Nori's Grand Adventures

So I Quit My Job

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:32:24 GMT

Fuck it. Just... fuck it.

I couldn't work there anymore. The new GM is an asshole and a bully, and threatened to have me fired over a smart-ass comment I made to an assistant manager, and call it insubordination. So I was told to either be fired or quit.

So I quit.

This man has been a terror ever since he came to the theater. People who have been working there almost as long as I had quit before I did. Drawings of mine got thrown in the trash by him. A newer employee got chewed out over having missed a point on the last Check Report, getting berated over getting us only a 99 out of 100. I've fucking had it and I can't work with it anymore.

So I sit here, newly unemployed. But fortunately, this has spurred my parents into helping get me back to art school. So, hopefully this should work out.

I may need to find another temporary job in the meantime. I'm not sure yet. We'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

A Weird Sort of Emptiness

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 08:32:13 GMT

One of my co-workers died over the weekend. I only found out about this quite recently, since I wasn't working for a couple of days.

Her name was Sharon. She had worked at the theater for a while, not as long as I had, but for a long time by the standards here. She was restricted to a wheelchair and diabetic, and yet she was energetic, friendly, and had a good sense of humor. She was pretty much restricted only to being able to work on door, but she pretty much almost always was in on time with a smile and a steamy romance novel to read during the slower periods. Saturday she was scheduled and hadn't shown up, claiming she was on her away and never called back. I had been put on the position in her absence, and ended up drawing all over the door schedule. It's kind of unsettling to think about in retrospect.

A co-worker of mine, Pat, whom I had gone to Obama's inauguration with, first told me, but it was over the phone and I thought he was telling me that some girl named Karen died, and I was wondering who the hell Karen was. And today (or yesterday, rather), I find out that it was Sharon. And my first thought was, well, shit.

Her funeral will be around 10 this morning. One of my co-workers, D'Andre, who is also restricted to a wheelchair, will be going there. I don't know how many other people I work with will be there. It just feels... odd. I suspect her death won't truly sink in for a while, since it seemed to have blindsided me. I was never really close to her, but she was always there for pleasant conversation or to patiently listen to my bitching. She and D'Andre once, on a very slow day, had a jousting contest, with their wheelchairs and brooms. D'Andre ended up chickening out while Sharon charged at him, full force. Good times.

I don't know the details of her death yet. Even D'Andre seemed fuzzy on the details. I'm sure they'll surface, in the next few days. No doubt Joy will drone endlessly about how it's such a shame that she's dead, and then change the subject about how much her life sucks or her sister's life sucks. She does turn these sorts of things into a competition, and she's always so detached from anything her remarks just ring hollow.

And while I've gone through the day fairly normal, as usual, the thought that one of my co-workers will never show up again, not because they quit or anything but because they are dead and never coming back, has been gnawing on my mind. It figures that this would happen to somebody who was pretty awesome, too. Feh.

Well, Sharon, I'll miss you. I'll miss our conversations and our jokes and your company. It's going to feel weird and empty without you around, as long as you had been here. The world could use more people like you, as cheerful and as friendly as you were. It sucks that you're gone.

Rest In Peace, Sharon. NEVAR 4GET.

KATSUCON, YOU GUYS

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 05:34:29 GMT

So, I have been kind of slacking off about this for a bit, but Izzy and I are kind of in need of a room for Katsucon. Usually he's the one who provides the hook-ups for a room, but he's had no luck, though I suspect he is purposely trying to make me get the room because I owe him money for my trip up to NYC in December (I wrote him a check, but I didn't sign it so he can't cash it, so I need to do that so he can actually have his money. DERP I NOT KNOW HOW TO WRITE CHECK). Out of all of you guys who are going, who might have room for two more? I can pay my share for sure, and I have no problem sleeping on floors or ottomans or chairs or whatever. I've already requested off for this, so, yeah, this is kind of important. Also, since Izzy was a no-show last year, I've been nagging for him to come too.

HELP, PLZ?

OH HERE, HAVE SOME HORRIBLE TF2 FAPFICTION

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 10:10:43 GMT

The positions for the defense of the capture points were set. Sniper had an ideal set-up, perching by a window where he had a clear view of any intruders that would stupidly wander into the way of his sights. All he had to do was be patient, and wait.

He took a sip of coffee from his favorite mug, the one that read "#1 Sniper" on the side. It had been a gag gift from Scout, who probably didn't even think that the Sniper would actually use it. Scout, God bless him, had been an unlikely source of support for Sniper, who, despite loving his job, never seemed to get over the fact that his parents disapproved so much of it. Not many of the others could really relate; they never really seemed to even mention their families, except Demoman, who would often bemoan the fact that he had accidentally killed his parents when he was trying to blow up the Loch Ness in an attempt to kill its legendary monster. Trying to explain to Demoman that the Loch Ness monster probably didn't even exist in the first place was a surefire way to get a glass bottle upside the head. Best not to dwell on such things.

No sign of any intruders, save for the Engineer dashing through the entrance near the capture point. He looked up towards Sniper and waved. Sniper waved back, a little confused. Wasn't Engineer setting up sentry guns closer towards Blue Team's base? Well, having sentry guns set up by the capture point certainly made enough sense. Sniper decided to pay no more mind and focused back on the entrance way.

A few minutes passed, and things seemed to be unusually quiet. All the action was probably up closer to Blue Team's base, meaning that Red Team was doing pretty good. Might not be a bad idea to move closer in, Sniper thought. He lowered his rifle, picked up his mug and turned to leave when he found himself face to face with the Scout. Sniper staggered back a bit in surprise. "Scout," he said, laughing a bit, "didn't see you come through, mate. Wot're you doin' all the way back here?"

"Soldier sent me to bring you up closer the fightin', man." Scout replied, although there was something in his voice that suggested that this was not entirely true.

"He sent you?" Sniper said incredulously. "Shouldn't you be up on the front lines? I mean, you're our bloody scout. That's your bloody job. Not good strategy."

Scout fidgeted a bit, tapping his bat against his calf. "Yeah, well... just followin' orders. You know."

Sniper looked at Scout suspiciously. He was lying. That was obvious enough. But why? He set his hands on the shoulders of the Scout, and looked him in the eye. "Is something wrong, mate?"

Scout looked dumbfounded, shaking his head nervously. "Wrong? Nothing's... nothing's wrong, man. I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Because you picked a really shitty time to come to me with your personal problems. I mean, for fuck's sake, we're in the middle of a mission-"

The Scout bit his lip, and shifted his weight from foot to foot. "I-I'm sorry man, I just... got something on my chest, I can't take it any more..."

Sniper sighed, and hung his head. This was eating up precious time, but he hated to leave a friend of his hanging. "Fine. Look, just say it quick, 'cause I need to get out there in the fray."

"I love you, man."

Snipers half-lidded eyes suddenly popped open and he slowly looked up, his brow knitted in confusion. "Eh... wot?"

"Like I... y'know, love you." Scout admitted bashfully.

"Uh... okay?" Sniper was not quite sure how to react to this. The whole situation was just awkward. He wanted to leave. Now. "I'm, uh, flattered and all, mate, but I'm no poofta..."

Quite suddenly, Sniper found himself shoved roughly against the wall, the Scout pinning him in place, looking deep into his eyes. Sniper tried to squirm out from under his grip, but Scout proved to be surprisingly strong. "Look, mate," he said, trying to hold onto what was left of his composure, "this isn't very funny. Gitoff."

"I'm not joking man." Scout breathed, his voice sounding husky with lust.

Sniper's mind raced while he tried to assess the situation. Scout, a man he considered his friend, had just confessed his love to him, and had him pinned. He briefly considered whipping out he Kukri, but dismissed it. There had to be some way to reason his way out of this, surely. He slid his hands up to Scouts chest and tried to push him away. "This is neither the time or the place. I mean, we-"

He was cut short by a sudden kiss on the mouth. Before his brain had time to catch up with what was happening to his body, he found the Scouts tongue had snaked its way into his mouth, and a taped hand was holding the back of his head, keeping it in place. Sniper squirmed and jerked around more, trying to break free, making muffled little groans of protest. Scouts other hand was now finding its way to the Sniper's buttocks, grabbing hold and squeezing, eliciting a yelp from the older man. The Scout started to grind his hips against Snipers, as if to highlight the steadily growing erection in the Scout's pants. After much writhing, Sniper managed to break away from the sloppy, wet kiss and shove his overly eager assailant away from him.

"Have you gone completely looney?" Sniper shouted at him. "Seriously. Piss off."

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as Scout just stood there, looking wounded. Sniper cleared his throat, and started to walk away. Turning his head away for a second, though, proved to be counter-productive, as soon Scout was on him again, this time from behind. "Dammit, mate, can't you just bugger off for one NNNNNGGHH..."

The Sniper could even finish his sentence due to the Scout's hand groping his crotch, rubbing and massaging it firmly, while at the same time breathing and kissing the back of the Sniper's neck and taking off his hat. Sniper found himself getting hard despite his own best efforts, and he could hear Scout let out a pleased little hum.

"No poofta, huh?" Scout asked mockingly. "I think this says otherwise..."

"Stop it," Sniper said, his heart starting to pound blood into his face and ears from embarrassment and shame, "please. Scout. For Christ's sake..."

"Mmmm, no." Scout said, licking the back of Sniper's neck alone the line of his spine. "I think you want this as much as I do."

Well, yes and no, Sniper thought. Living at the fortress didn't do much for one's sex life, really. Place was a total sausage fest, that is, assuming that Pyro was male. Nobody really seemed to be sure about that one, and even if he, she, it, was female, Sniper always assumed that Pyro would be as attractive as a water buffalo. On the off-times when they were not being busy being blown up, shot at, or set on fire, Sniper was sure that at least some of the other members of the team got desperate and, well, experimented. He was almost positive that there was something going on between Medic and Heavy, and he always suspected that the Spy might be a bit of a fruit. He was, after all, French. But Sniper preferred to keep to himself, preferring to relieve any tensions in the privacy of his own room with a skin mag and a box of tissues. Yes, he had wished that he could have sex with some other living, breathing human being, but he would have definitely preferred to be a woman. Scout would have never crossed his mind.

And yet, here he was, being molested by the Scout, while on a mission, no less. Scout's hand was already slipping down the front of his pants, still working over Sniper's quickly hardening cock. Scout playfully nipped Sniper on the side of his neck, delighting in the discomfort he was causing Sniper. Scout started to undo the button fly and zipper on Sniper's pants, humming all the while and bucking his hips into Sniper's ass. Sniper found himself overwhelmed and almost wanting it, despite himself. In the back of his mind, he found himself wondering if this was rape, even though he usually imagined rape to be far more painful and humiliating than this.

Fuck it, Sniper thought. Nobody has to know, and it seemed best to get this over with quickly. His penis was now, by this point, completely hard, and trying to snipe anything when sporting a flag at full mast was probably not going to work out very well. "Just... just get it over with..." he breathed.

The Scout turned Sniper around, letting him see the almost catlike satisfaction on his face. "Knew you'd things my way, Snipes." Scout purred, his hand wrapped around Sniper's now-exposed penis and jerking it steadily. "You won't regret this."

"Oh, shut it, you wanker." Sniper growled. "You fucking won already. Just do it."

"As you wish." Scout replied, tugging down Sniper's pants as he stooped down to a crouch, teasing Sniper's cock with a few licks right under the head and on the tip. Sniper groaned, leaning back against the wall as Scout started to take the length of Sniper's shaft into his mouth. It felt good to have something warm and wet wrapped around his cock, and Sniper started to thrust his hips into Scouts mouth to match the rhythm of the younger man's bobbing head. Sniper couldn't help but note that Scout was much better a this than even some of the women he had slept with, using his tongue to stroke the underside of the shaft, drawing out little shudders and gasps of pleasure. As the Scout started to pick up the pace, Sniper found himself holding the back of Scout's head, wishing he had longer hair to pull as he forced his penis further down the Scout's throat. Surprisingly, the Scout didn't gag at this, and simply sucked harder on Sniper's penis, his lips just centimeter's away from the root. The groans rumbling from the Sniper's throat were becoming louder and harsher, his eyelids fluttering as he leaned his head back, quickening the pace even more. Scout picked up on this, moving his head back a bit more in order to keep himself from retching on the payload.

Sniper then let out a loud, guttural cry as he came, almost violently, into the Scout's mouth, his body shaking and his cock twitching and pulsating and his brow breaking out in a cold sweat. Scout swallowed the load of it, and suckled on Sniper's cock as if to draw out as much of his semen as possible. The Sniper's breathing slowed down and became heavier, his body still quaking a bit, but quickly starting to settle down, while the Scout still suckled on his cock, which was quickly becoming flaccid. Still soaking in the afterglow, Sniper piped up again, breaking the silence.

"'The hell you pick that up, mate?" He asked breathlessly.

Scout took Sniper's cock out of his mouth for a second to answer, "I get around," and then went back, easing the Sniper back down from his climax and getting a few more satisfied sighs from the older man. "You pick up some stuff here and there, you know?"

"Yes..." Sniper hissed, eyes closed, turning his head so that the side of his face rested against the cold wall. "Yes, you certainly have..."

The younger man stood up, slowly, and started to kiss the side of Sniper's mouth, purring and nuzzling his rough, stubbly face. Sniper tried to jerk his head away from this, but he did so slowly, and grumbled. "None of that mate, no." Scout didn't really listen to this, however, and started to lick and tease the Sniper's ear with his hot breath, getting another shudder from his teammate.

"Don't think that I'm done with you yet." Scout whispered, nibbling the rim of Sniper's ear. "You need to return the favor."

"Wasted enough time as is." Sniper replied, starting to come back down to earth. "Mission's not over. We gotta split."

"We still have time." Scout insisted. "Not letting you leave until I have a turn."

Sniper's mood turned grim, and he glowered at his younger teammate. "No way. I am not slobbering all over your knob. It's bad enough that I even let you do that to me."

An impish grin spread across Scout's face, and he shrugged. "Fine. Have it your way, buddy." Scout then tightened his grip on the Sniper's shoulders, causing his teammate to tense up.

"Wot're you-"

"Just using the only other option you gave me, Snipes." Scout replied, licking his lips like a hungry cartoon wolf and harshly turning Sniper around so that he was facing the wall.

"You're not going to-"

"Comin' in through the back door."

"Oh, fuck no!" Sniper started to thrash about far more desperately than before, but Scout harshly shoved the Sniper's head against the wall, putting enough pressure on the Sniper to make sure he couldn't get away. Scout let out a uncharacteristic and sadistic snicker as he rubbed his throbbing erection, which almost seemed to be threatening to burst out of his pants, against the cleavage of Sniper's ass. Sniper tried to move his head from under the pressure of Scout's palm, but to no avail. His sunglasses were askew on his face, the rims digging into his skin painfully against the wall. "Jesus, mate, don't do this to me, for the love of Christ-"

Scout unzipped his pants and grabbed his throbbing cock, navigating it between Sniper's cheeks and simply rubbing it back and forth between them, not unlike a saw blade cutting through a log. He leaned in close to the Sniper and whispered in his ear. "Oh, don't worry, Sniper. I promise I won't make this too painful for you, mon cherie."

Sniper's eyes widened in horror as realization struck him like a gunshot to the chest. Suddenly he could smell cigarette smoke wafted into his nostrils, and Scout's voice was changing into a deeper, sultrier voice that filled him with absolute terror and dread. "No..." he gaped, his stomach plummeting and his knees starting to knock furiously. "Spuh-spuh..."

"What was that, Monsieur Sniper?" The voice asked teasingly, his grinding against Sniper's ass becoming rougher. "Say it. Say it for me, you filthy kangaroo-humping son of a bitch!"

"SPY!" Sniper screamed. "BLOODY SPY! FUCK!"

"Very good, Monsieur Sniper!" Spy chuckled, now out of his disguise and starting to push the tip of his penis against the Sniper's puckering hole. "I think that I am going to enjoy this quite a bit, my camping little friend." He flicked his knife open and held it against Sniper's jugular, taking a deep whiff of his captured prey. "I think I should, perhaps, do this sort of thing more often. An unorthodox strategy, yes, but effective, wouldn't you agree?"

"You fucking wanker." Sniper snarled. "You fucking tricked me, you bloody bastard."

Spy laughed again, putting more pressure against Sniper's anus, his hips still rocking back and forth steadily. "But of course, my good gentleman," he said, his voice dripping with venom, "that is my job. Why, I am in such a good mood, I might not kill you, if you behave for me. No doubt there will be plenty of humiliation from the other members of your team, anyway. Besides," he pushed the tip of his penis into Sniper's entrance, starting to finally penetrate and causing the Sniper to let out a girlish shriek, "this is going to be very, very painful." And he shoved himself in.

Sniper let out a agonized scream, the pain being incredible, as if his ass were being ripped apart by thousands of angry bees. The Spy let out an audible moan, and started swearing in French as he relentlessly pounded himself into his enemy, still holding the knife to his victim's throat. Hot, angry tears started to stream down the Sniper's face, and his knees were now feeling like the were made of Jell-O. But he couldn't collapse, as much as he wanted to. He bit his lip until it was streaming blood, trying desperately not to scream out in pain and give the Spy any more satisfaction. He felt something hot and wet starting to run down the back of his leg; at first, he thought he had pissed himself somehow, but when he finally realized what it actually was, he nearly vomited. It was blood. God help him, his anus was bleeding.

This hardly seemed to deter the Spy; quite the opposite. He leaned in close to the Sniper's ear and chuckled. "How much does this hurt, camper? A lot, yes? Do you wish you were dead yet?"

"Fuck you." Sniper wailed weakly, try to sniff back the burning tears from his eyes and the running snot from his nose. "Fuck you, you bastard."

Spy shook his head and tsked. "That is not what I wanted to hear, Monsieur Sniper." He said, sounding like a disappointed teacher scolding a naughty student. "No, I want to hear you scream. I want to hear you scream for your mother."

"Never." Sniper said, trying to sound resolute. But his voice wavered and faltered as he tried to choke back his cries of anguish.

Spy pulled back and slammed deeper into Sniper's ass, evoking a pained screech. "CRY FOR YOUR MOTHER, YOU DOG." Spy shouted. "CRY FOR HER LIKE YOU WERE ABOUT TO BE EATEN BY DINGOES, LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN!"

The pain was becoming too much for Sniper, who, at this point, felt as if he was going to pass out, throw up, and piss himself at the same time. Without even thinking, he did the only thing that he thought, in a almost animal desperation, would lessen the pain even a little bit. "MUMMY!" He screamed. "OH GOD, MUM, HELP! AAAUUUGGGHHH!"

"YES!" Screamed the Spy, pounding faster and even more relentlessly. "YES! AGAIN!"

"MUM! MUM, HELP! OH GOD, JUST STOP IT, PLEASE!"

The Spy threw back his head and moaned, going at a furious pace until he finally came, hard. Hot, sticky semen filled Sniper's colon, mixing with the blood that was already dribbling out. The pain became too much for Sniper as his vision became blotted with large yellow and blue spots, and he slowly starting to sink to the ground, sweating and shaking. The Spy removed himself reluctantly to watch the Sniper fall onto his hands and knees, his anus raw, red and bloody, his face pale and colorless. Sniper finally vomited between his wobbling hands, retching and wheezing and forcing out the soupy, milky white liquid from the pit of his stomach. He attempted to crawl away from the mess, pants pooled almost comically around his ankles, his elbows knocking and snapping from rigid to limp until he finally fell face first onto the floor. As his vision started to get fuzzy and darken, Sniper could make out the Spy pulling up his pants and then taking out a long drag on his cigarette, and finally turning to him with a smirk. And then, darkness.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When he came to again, the first thing Sniper was was a bright, white light. Oh, well that's fucking great, he thought. I'm dead. As his eyes adjusted, he saw that it was not a divine light but a bright florescent light from the ceiling of the sick bay. A blurred, human-shaped blob came into his sight, and sounds that vaguely resembled human speech. A few seconds later the blob became Medic, and the sounds started to take the form of words.

"-wake, Herr Sniper. Good, good. I vas vorried you might have died and ve'd have to get a new Sniper. Such a hassle."

"Doc?" Sniper said, his head still reeling. "I'm alive?"

"Vell, of course you are, dummkopf. Did I not just say zat, mein Vegemite-eating friend? I found you after ve had captured all of Blue team's control points. Apparently zeir Spy had managed to get to you and... vell..." The Medic let out a sadistic chuckle. "vell, he certainly left quite ze impression on you, Herr Sniper."

"it's not bloody funny, Kraut." Sniper snarled. "You get a hold of that wanker, or what?"

"Nein." Medic answered with a shake of his head. "He vas gone before I got to you. But I'm sure zat vill motivate you sufficiently to riddle him vith all sorts of lovely new orifices, jah?"

Sniper started to pull himself up, his mind foggy from however many painkillers the good doctor had given him. "Do... do the others know?" He asked apprehensively.

"Zey know, unfortunately." Medic said. "Our spy apparently had been following me vhen I found you and, vell, he was cloaked, and..."

"Never want to see another bloody fucking spy as long as I bloody fucking live..." Sniper growled, cutting Medic off. "Why, what'd he do?"

Medic started to fidget nervously. "I zink zat maybe you should get some rest before you find out about zat just yet. You'll be finding out soon enough anyvay."

Meanwhile, in the Red Team's Rec Room, the other members of Red team were found gathered in front of a wall, staring at a large black and white photograph that had been taped there.

"Holy feckin' hell." Demoman said, shaking his head. "I dun't know whether t' laugh at this or cry me feckin' good eye out." He took a long swig from his bottle of moonshine.

"Spah's can't be trusted. And that... Good Lord, is that ever some proof." Engineer cast a sideways glance at the Red Team's spy. "You're a sick, sick man, you know that? Couldn't leave the poor man alone."

"If you have enough of a dark sense of humor, Gentlemen," Spy scoffed, "I think, perhaps, you can appreciate it. At least, I think it serves as a good warning of what we are up against."

"Mmmrrpphh mmmrrphh mmmpprhrhrph." Pyro added. "Mmmpprrpphh."

"I think sandvich is coming back up to veesit me. again." Heavy said, still staring at the photo in shock.

"You're all a bunch of fuckin' pansies." Soldier asserted. "Why, when I was back fighting in Poland, I saw far worse than this every single goddamned day. The way I see it, that cry baby hanger-backer got off pretty easy. Trust me, men, I've seen far worse done to a man's ass that this. And it's not goddamned pretty."

"Thanks for the mental imagery there, Soldier." Scout piped in. "But goddamn, what I wanna know is why the crazy son of a bitch decided to give a shout out to me on there."

The photograph in question was taken of the Sniper as he was found, lying on his stomach on the floor, his sunglasses crushed and twisted, and the puddle of vomit visible on the edge of the frame. His vest and shirt had been pulled up his back so that the small of his back was exposed, and his ass was bare and visible, covered in drying blood and semen. But most striking, however, was on his buttocks. There was a message scrawled out in black permanent marker, fully visible to the viewer. It read:

BLU SPY WAS HERE
RED SCOUT IS A LOSER.

Pictaps Thingies I Made

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 06:48:22 GMT

So, apparently this website has been active for a couple of years now, and I only just found out about it a couple of days ago. From what I can gather, it was made by a Japanese "interactive director," who created a digital toy that pretty much allows you do draw something dancing. Bipedal things with short hair usually end up working best, but I've been playing around with it and looking at what other people have made.

The things I've made dance include
Meowthkip
Awesome Hitler
Bob
Longcat
Tacgnol
Jissouseki
Epic Fail Guy
Konota Izumi (this one doesn't work very well dancing)
A Resident
Rorschach
Monster from The Enigma of Amigara Fault
Spy Crab

More to come, should I feel like it. Mostly posting this so that I can have a place where I can have all these stupid little things all in the same place.

There are a lot of people who drew penises, stickmen and Supermans. Penises I can understand, since that's pretty much what any 13 year old boy would draw on there, as well as the stick figures (seriously, why even bother, though?) but Superman? I swear to God, I have seen like, six of them. And none of them are very good.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM INSANE REYNARD!

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:27:33 GMT

So today I got this lovely little gem in my inbox:

(no subject)

Stephan Walls to you - yesterday

If I were you... I would remove my name INSANE reynard from your list... its
just offensive or you are fucking moron...

Hope you have a suck Christmas, Merry Christmas! Bitch.

Apparently, somebody is still mad that I'm advertising my art on his ED page.

So, with that in mind, I wish a Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all of my friends on the tubes, as well as a good Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, Fish Day, Drink-Your-Neighbor's-Urine Day, and whatever the hell you guys celebrate.

P.S. I was up in NYC visiting Izzy about a week ago. Shit was SO cash.

Straitfox Ain't Fuckin' Around

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 00:46:20 GMT

So, Straitfox from FurfagAffinity apparently seems to be in Hyper-Defensive mode, as a conversation between me and Jock-Nerd_Hybrid on our own shout boxes prompted him to send me angry emails, saying how he TOTALLY HAS NOT BEEN BANNED, YOU GAIS.

Immediately after responding to him, I got this IM:

swalls714: hai there
Norichan822: OH NOES!
Norichan822: Jesus, you can't let anything go, can you?
swalls714: Huh?>
swalls714: I think you people can't let it go.
swalls714: Can you?
Norichan822: So I make a few snarky comments about you, and it's all OMG RAAAAAAAGE from you.
Norichan822: Lighhten up, duder.
swalls714: yeah because you think its fun making fun of me!
Norichan822: You make it so easy.
swalls714: Oh yeah lighten up yeah that's the word i always hear from bullies...
swalls714: No.
swalls714: I don't but you do.
Norichan822: Uh, dude.
swalls714: You are jsut a bully, nothing more.
Norichan822: Internet is not always serious business.
Norichan822: Maybe you should go for a walk outside or something.
swalls714: No but you take it way too seriously
Norichan822: Because you're getting worked up over nothing.
Norichan822: Me? No.
Norichan822: This doesn't involve any real effort.
swalls714: Oh wow very fucking original!
Norichan822: It's true, though.
swalls714: yeah I am in reality and you trolls are well... not.
swalls714: yeah i'm going to give you a heads up...
Norichan822: You're in reality?
Norichan822: Tha's a laugh.
swalls714: You and your trollbuddies think you can get rid me of well you are in for a RUDE awakening..
Norichan822: You're the one flipping your lid over comments from the peanut gallery on a screen.
swalls714: yes I am hun
swalls714: I am but I find it that you trolls are not.
Norichan822: Ever thought of just ignoring us?
Norichan822: You know, not caring?
Norichan822: That'd make us go away.
Norichan822: Your attention towards us gives us power.
swalls714: Oh i do but hey i'm the kind of guy that has to care!
Norichan822: And makes our penises harder.
swalls714: No I have power over you
Norichan822: Oh?
swalls714: I am not weak like you.
Norichan822: How so?
swalls714: You are weak
swalls714: I am strong
Norichan822: Prove it.
Norichan822: Be the bigger man.
swalls714: I'm better than you!
swalls714: Oh I am/
Norichan822: Walk away.
swalls714: Oh that is what you want me to do...
swalls714: But I will make sure you trolls pay for your crimes against me...
swalls714: You think its funny?
swalls714: Making fun of someone?
swalls714: Seriously you people are just cowards.
Norichan822: I would try to keep track of how many times you've been contradicting yourself in just this conversation alone, but I think I lost count.
Previous message was not received by swalls714 because of error: User swalls714 is not available.

swalls714: Try IGNORING ME for a change? Seriously you are abusing the ToS on FA means that if I were to leave a comment on your page it would be spam... yeah real mature hun. try growing up you coward, you act just like the bullies from my childhood and hey i all smoked them and you are no different...
Norichan822: I'm sure you did.
Previous message was not received by swalls714 because of error: User swalls714 is not available.

For those of you out of the loop, you can read up on TotallyStraightFox here.

My First Car Accident

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 04:59:10 GMT

I got into my first car accident on my way home from work tonight. I've damaged my car before, but I had taken some pride in that in the two years since I had gotten my license, I had no collided with another moving vehicle. Some inanimate objects, yeah, but no cars.

After work, I went to go my usual route home, going up York Road north, but it was blocked off by a police car. I turned around and went up to go onto 83, but there's an intersection I had to drive through. I had lost focus, and it was dark and the road was slick, and suddenly I found myself driving through a red light and slamming on the brakes while my right side clipped the back end of a black pick-up truck.

I panicked, and pulled over, putting my hazards on. The first car I ran up to turned out to be one I didn't hit, and I was nervous and jittery and I could here cars honking all over the place. There were four people in the truck, the driver was a young woman who also apparently never had an accident before. She suggested I drive up to where she was, but this would involve me driving around in a circle to get to her. We ended up pulling up by an Outback Steakhouse within the shopping center where the movie theater I work at is. Information was exchanged, and everyone there was very polite to me and tried to reassure me that it was okay. They seemed more worried about me, since my car had taken the brunt of the damage.

The truck back bumper was curled up, and the frame was scratched, but other than that, it was fine. My car, however, has it's right headlight smashed in, and the hood is scrunched up. I tried calling my parents house, my mom's cell, my step-father's cell, then my dad's house and his cell and finally my Nana. Nobody picked up. This wasn't helping my mood much. A man in the backseat of the truck asked if I was okay to drive, and I said I was fine. As for my car, it seems to run fine, I obviously got home safely, but I was still quite spooked and driving slowly. My dad ended up calling me back on my way home, and was glad that I was all right. He was actually in the middle of a gig and managed to calm me down a bit.

And now here I am, I just got home, there's a lump in my throat and I'm apparently alone here. I can't even find the dog, and it's creeping me out a little.

And goddammit, I have a doctor's appointment and work tomorrow. It's been a rough day.

Jesus.

Paheal's Most Epic Thread Ever 2

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 07:28:13 GMT

Because you know you want more.

Ciorba:

"Farting is fun and amusing."

"It should also be noted that I "preach the word of Alex" only because he's a good writer in my own opinion. To be honest, I myself couldn't figure out how anyone (besides the furry haters) could hate his works..."

Connect the dots, people.

Toon Coon: Ciorba: likely. >.>

Spawns of the devil? Most certainly. We are here as a test to seduce you into doing bad things, like accpet others for being who they are and learning to look past trivial things. Also, virgins is actually correct... well, except for the lucky few who find each other, or the unlucky majority who end up ass raped in a furpile. :/

Jonny5NeedInput: Well your analysis of furries is correct... Because I am more proof. Except I don't dress up. Instead, I spend my money on food, drugs, and video games.

Desumilk: The dots say 'I'M A FURFAG'

Toon Coon: Ciorba: Ah, your skill in taking things out of context is brilliant. you completely missed the bit where i said, and I quote: "but yeah, I'll admit that's a tupid way of thinking. :/"

Ciorba: ITT: Furries who think they're Jesus.

Toon Coon: Ciorba: only when it would be funny. >.>

Ciorba: Toon: you failed at connecting the dots?
I really didn't expect that!

I was pointing out that it's really no surprise someone with such sophisticated tastes and sharp humor would enjoy "Summer Vacation of the Living Dead" and other masterpieces.
Or the other way around, maybe.

Jonny5NeedInput: Gentlemen, ladies, none of the above! This is a place for fapping! There is no need for such violence! Find a random picture and beat your meat like an intruder in your home!

Toon Coon: Oh, so it's impossible to find farts and what not hilarious and also appreciate the biting satire of The Onion? You'll have to agree (as long as you know what The Onion is) that their humour is far from low brow. >.>

If it makes you feel any better, I hate Larry the Cable Guy. o.o

Toon Coon: Also, i just realized how awesome Jonny's name is. i fucking LOVED Short Circuit. XD

Jonny5NeedInput: Yes, Onion for the win, especially skull fucking.

Ciorba: Oh, I also take offense at the implication that I don't accept people for who they are.
I fully realize wankers are necessary to the natural order, since they keep their betters entertained and confident.

Jonny5NeedInput: Thank you, Toon. However, Input has two meanings: Delicious knowledge and delicious green smoke.

Toon Coon: Ah good, you see my point then. I apologize for doubting you in that area of context, Ciorba. :)

Toon Coon: Oh wow... seeing Jonny5 smoke it up would be hilarious. XD

Cat Bountry: Wow, I think we should start placing bets on when Toon Coon is either going to run out of steam or lose interest.

My bet for March 14th, 2026.

nebula: Johnny, we've already fapped ourselves dry, and now we need to let out some steam by arguing with a 19 year-old 4-eyed gay virgin dramafag who thinks he's part racoon part rabbit and worships AlexReynard like a god of some kind.

Ciorba: Toon, you seem to overlook a simple fact:
People with standards fap to, say, PB's art.
People with no standards fap to both Drawn-Sex and PB's art.
People with standards enjoy (or at least tolerate) LotR
People with no standards enjoy both Eragon and LotR

See where I'm going with this?

Teliko: SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS!

Ciorba: I'm afraid I will grow tired of toying around before that, Cat.

Jonny5NeedInput: I have extremely high standards myself. I've been collecting for 8 years now, and I've yet to fill my 750GB drive.

Anonymous52: YOUR DRAMA ONLY MAKES MY PENIS HARDER!

nebula: The smartest thing, of course, would be to leave this thread alone, and not feed the troll -- seeing how Coon here is loving the attention he's getting for the first time in his life.

Toon Coon: So, people with no standards complain a lot and have more fun putting things up on pedestals above other things rather than just shut up and enjoy them? Because really, that's a bad arguement for why standards are a good thing. >.>

Why is it so bad to just sit back and enjoy everything rather than seem pretentious and only enjoy "the cream of the crop"? <.<

pomponio: inb4 Whole Thread Copypasta

Ciorba: If you're filling it with pictures, you shouldn't be able to fill a 10 gb drive, let alone 3/4 of a terabyte.

Ciorba: If you're filling it with pictures, you shouldn't be able to fill a 10 gb drive, let alone 3/4 of a terabyte.

Toon Coon: Cat Bountry: What? you're dating my death already? >.>

nebula: nailed me like a cheap hooker. ;)

hey, you're pretty good at that. >.>

Snipers Promise: What the shit?
Also: Tl;Dr

Jonny5NeedInput: I love this threads. So deep, so intellectual, yet so stupid at the same time (in a good way). And no, I don't enjoy JUST the cream of the crop, I closely examine every image, and sometimes edit them myself. Also, lol at anon52

Ciorba: After Toon's amazing insight ("people refuse to fap to Drawn-Sex because they're pretentious!"), I'm really inclined to give Alex's art another shot.
Clearly, I've been misled all along.

Jonny5NeedInput: This "shit" is all about the eternal struggle of the universe. But it's all pointless in the end because one of these days we'll all be sucked into a raging black hole.

Toon Coon: Jonny: being stupid and intelligent at the same time is a skill I've worked years on. Not an easy thing to pull off. >.>

Cat Bountry: Ciorba, your last comment just made my day.

Toon Coon: Ciorba: And really, wouldn't we all be happier that way? Rather than concentrating on the things that piss us off, we'd concentrate on the things that make us feel good; like chocolate, stand up comedy, masturbation, and strange combinations of the three.

Seriously, who's the one having more fun here? You, or me? I bet the answer would surprise you. ;)

Ciorba: Toon: here's some advice: focus on the second half.

Toon Coon: What? the stuff that makes me happy? I already do that. o.o

Ciorba: I don't know who first said that "ignorance is bliss", but I can assure you that you're a bit late to coin the concept.

nebula: stop smiling, you lousy troll you.

Rule34d: I was watching the whole time and I must say
Fail: Toon Coon, Desumilk, some other faggots who no one cares about
Win: Everyone else

Rule34d: In short, PROMOTIONS!

Jonny5NeedInput: Rule34d, your masterful skill of lurk has paid off! No one gives a shit.

Toon Coon: Hey, i'd rather be blissfully ignorant than intelligent and paranoid. >.>

Toon Coon: yes... but so few people realize the joys of living the life of the eternal optimist, always looking up at the pretty sky when everyone else is too busy staring at the gritty, gum-laden sidewalk. Seriously, if I weren't opposed to the whole "mightier than thou" thought stream, I'd seriously pity pessimists. :/

Jonny5NeedInput: You should be paranoid. The shadows will devour your flesh. Stay in the light!!

Jonny5NeedInput: I think I'm an optimist then... though usually all I do is observe the world around me... and it pleases me. Even this thread pleases me.

Ciorba: TL;DR: RATIONAL PEOPLE ARE BAD, DROOLING MORONS ARE GOOD

Cerebrate_Fate: Holy SHIT thats a lot of comments.

Toon Coon: true Cat, true... a little paranoia goes a long way... but again, I plan on dieing happy, and since death can literally come at any second, there's no point in being sad. >.>

Toon Coon: Jonny's got the idea. Good work, Jonny. ;)

Ciorba: you sound like one of the types who would, in the olden days, claim that "street rats should be locked up so decent folk need not see them". >.>

Skrat501: thats not alot of comments

Ciorba: Toon: you should try nazis, they're a much better analogy.

Cat Bountry: LOL, GODWIN'S LAW.

Excitebike: Delete the whole thread.
Ban the retard.

Toon Coon: Iwas getting at the irony of that kind of person calling themselves decent when they definitely aren't, pertaining to your comment assuming my point was "RATIONAL PEOPLE ARE BAD", which just stuck me as being ironic in a way. >.>

Sp using nazis wouldn't have conveyed my point. Nazis weren't ironic, they were just cruel. :/

nebula: can this thread die now plz?

Ciorba: I wonder if I get points for compairing myself to nazis. Of course it probably happens a lot on the Stormfront forums.

Rule34d: Is this thread still lulzy?

Rule34d: Death to America!!!

Toon Coon: I'll give you points for being ballsy about it. it takes a serious set to compare yourself to nazis in general, though you likely could've gotten more for comparing yourself to the big one himself. >.>

Ciorba: oh, you can go ahead and delete the thread by the way, I saved it.

nebula: it's about as lulzy as a jar of crusty smegma.

Toon Coon is getting a boner from all this attention, and keeps trolling us with his retarded ">.>" smilies. Let it die!

Jonny5NeedInput: Why save it? It's just going to change in a couple seconds.

Toon Coon: Good idea. I'll make this my last post unless someone decides to post something worth responding to (namely: anything)

... And that's all of it.

Paheal's Most Epic Thread Ever

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 07:24:05 GMT

Some background to this before I post this. I've had this copy-pasta sitting on my harddrive for a while, and several months after this happened, I've decided to post it here. It's long as fuck, and it requires some background information, so here goes.

Paheal.net is a Rule 34 archive site. Rule 34 of the internet states that there's porn of it, no exceptions. I've drawn quite a bit of art for this site, and though lately I haven't been on as much as I used to, it's probably still the best Rule 34 site that I know of.

Now, a while ago on FurAffinity, I had a bit of a feud with AlexReynard and you may recall I even MiSted one of his original short shories.
As you may know, AlexReynard has an EncyclopediaDramatica article, so most relevant information on him is up there.

Now, despite the vast amount of porn of Rescue Rangers and Tiny Toons characters that Alex has drawn, only a small fraction of it is on Paheal. Apparently, a certain namefag found his way to rule34.paheal.net/post/view/173475, and a few disparging comments on it. I noticed beforehand that this namefag, toon Coon, seemed to share Alex's bizarre fetishes, and I thought perhaps he was Reynard. I accused this several times, only to learn the truth was worse.

He was a fanboy of AlexReynard. Even Ray Jones fanboys can have their fanboys.

What follows is as much of the thread as I could rescue, uncut and as it originally appeared before being deleted by the admins. It will be posted here for all to see. Even Reynard himself makes an appearence.

I'm Cat Bountry, by the way.

Comments

Anonymous1: Look at those creepy hands. Fucking creep.

Cat Bountry: AlexReynard is made of creepy and bizarre fetish.

Also unwarranted self-importance.

queernigbilly: oh god

Anonymous2: and now to wait and see if Gadget turns into a Jissouseki after being injected with that mysterious green slime.

Krawczyk: ^THE MOST PERFECT BIRTHDAY GIFT IDEA FOR RAY JONES EVER

Cat Bountry: GADGETSEKI.

Rule34d: I LAWL!

Anonymous3: This shit is what happens when that sick fuck quits taking HIS medicine. Porn is dead to me now.

LadyStardust: Is that jesu cum she's bein' injected with?

evilpika: NIMH!

Anonymous4: ahhhh morphine!

Anonymous5: wait why is her pubic hair going under her vagina

Anonymous6: you seem to assume this furfag has SEEN a real vagina.

NukeDukem: Real vagina my ass. Take a look at some real naturals:
http://www.hotsexymaturepics.com/media/sets/5b1s62m53/10.jpg
http://www.megawank.com/pics/picturepost/hairy-vagina+-1102.jpg

Oh wow.

Anonymous7: Uh... no. Needles are not sexy.

Anonymous8: date rape drug injection

Anonymous9: wut

Sweetheart: He still isn't as bad as Ray Jones.

Anonymous10: Ray Jones would marry Gadget if only he could get rid of his annoying HUMAN wife & offspring...

Anonymous11: "Anonymous5: wait why is her pubic hair going under her vagina"

It's not hair, her vagina it's on fire.

Anonymous12: that or someone's been seeing a certain sailormoon pic... *shudders* AIDS...

Toon Coon: You know, with all the people who are mortally afraid of needles, it's almost a statistical requirement to have people who are seriously attracted to them. And of all the people out there, it definitely makes sense for it to be good ol' AlexReynard. >.>

DerFaggot: Why is he injecting her right in the gut? If there's blood coming out around the needle, tis not good.

lol at plastic sex doll-esque vagina.

Anonymous13: So, wait, Alex is a dude? Then what's with the painted pink fingernails on the person holding Gadget? *shudder*

Anonymous14: maybe Alex and Ray Jones could get together for a mutual jerk off about tehir Gadget fetish. That way they'd be in one room at the same time and the room could be lit on fire.

Toon Coon: I suspect an inability to find a proper colour for the fingernails. Also, I doubt that's supposed to be him holding her. >.>

Peple assume way too much. :/

Cat Bountry: AlexReynard has some creepy goddamned fingernails.

I would hardly be surprised if it was him, even if it's not his fursona.

Tintin: Both he and Ray Jones like to draw themselves with fucked-up lady fingernails. It's just another layer of creepy for our favorite artists!

nebula: actually, Ray Jones HAS met Alex Reynard IRL, I remember reading that on one of RJ's sites somewhere.

I can only speculate that the ensuing furpile was a sight so vile, it gave Jesus explosive diarrhea.

Tintin: Also, why hasn't all his fetish fanart been posted here? I'd do it myself, but my brain has been scarred enough, thank you very much.

Tintin: nebula: I bet AR tried to pork him, but Ray couldn't get it up so they just cuddled.

Toon Coon: You know, it's funny... 'cause I so totally wouldn't doubt that... the cuddling bit, I mean... >.>

... and why would Ray have to get it up if Alex was gonna "pork" him? the receiver doesn't need to be hard, right? Unless of course you're going for a reach around, but not even that's necessary. >.>

Cat Bountry: Well, AlexReynard IS gay.

And by "gay" I mean he gave up on women because they know better than to fuck him and now he'll take whatever he can get, all while being totally bitter towards any woman that's not a cartoon.

Toon Coon: Either that or every woman he's ever had a relationship with (including his manipulative bitch of a mother, and that relationship was of the "regular mother/son" tpye, not whatever you were likely thinking) turned out absolutely shitty for one reason or another. >.>

And that's why I said i wouldn't doubt it. Mind you, if this Ray fella really IS as old as they say he is, then I'm not sure if he'd go for it... I don't know if geriatrics (with or without similar interests) are his strangely warped cup o' tea. <.<

Toon Coon: And I love how you assume the women wouldn't have sex with him for whatever reason. No matter WHO you are, someone'll do you, or at least let you do things to them. I'm a testament to that very thing, and also a testament to the fact that they tend to be few and far between. >.>

Cat Bountry: ^ Alex has not found his dream girl.

WOMEN ARE SO IRRATIONAL. NOT LIKE GADGET. SHE UNDERSTANDS ME.

Toon Coon: I'm pretty sure he didn't actually say that. >.>

Again, more entertainment due to assumptions. :D

And he's smartened up to his own physical interests. He's realized that he doesn't like women (partially the whole genetic thing of being gay, and partially due to the horrible women he's known), and is now looking where he should've been looking in the first place. <.<

Also, it's interesting how our views on him differ so much. I wonder what gives you such a different view point? Meh, I'd blame the parents, but I have no idea how old you are. You could be thirty for all I know, which would make the "parents today suck balls" arguement completely moot. >.>

Cat Bountry: ^ ... Are you secret friends with AlexReynard?

nebula: Protip: Toon Coon is Alex Reynard.

Cat Bountry: ^ It makes sense.

Who else would bother defending him?

Anonymous15: Is she going to be a herm now?

Because I totally want to see herm Gadget ASAP

Anonymous16: Protip: AlexReynard has cloned himself. He could be anywhere. He is everyone. And he is noone.

Krawczyk: No matter WHO you are
brian peppers.

Cat Bountry: Fucking AlexReynard.

BY THE WAY, HAVE ANY OF YOU READ HIS STIRRING FICTION?

Anonymous17: I have managed to keep my mind clear of such faggot trees.

Cat Bountry: ^ You're better off.

It's pretty goddamned awful.

nebula: idk, CB, according to Toon Coon it's pretty damn good fiction! And I quote from >>120137 :

"You know, he may not have the greastest skills for artistry, but this guy's a god as far as writing stories go. And I don't even mean the porn ones. I'm talking the straight up "safe for all ages" stuff, and it's all worth reading. Seriously! o.o

Cat Bountry: ^ Of course Toon Coon would say that.

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION, MUCH?

I MiSTed one of his stories. Needless to say, it was pretty awful.

Anonymous18: This is creepy.

It is made of weird and disturbing.

Toon Coon: I was WONDERING when someone would ask me that. XD

No no, just friends with him. We talk. And it almost surprises me how someone can look at his ED page, believe it, and condemn him immediately for what's on it. Then I remember that it completely ignores any skill he has and that people will believe anything they read on a wikipedia-esque website as if it were complete and unbiased truth. yes he's fucking weird, but he ain't the only one.

And of course you think his stories suck; they're HUGE. Few people these days have the attention span to read through an actual story on the internet. Hell, the internet was BUILT around "instant gratification", and a story is definitely less "instant" than a pic. Which explains why people like Alex and I don't get any attention unless we draw shit. >.>

But seriously, if you actually READ some of his stories (like, all the way through. Summer Vacation of the Living Dead and Dangerous Lunatics are my recommendations, and neither are porn) you'll find that they're quite good. I have no clue what "MiSTing" is, but I'm guessing you were either reading one of his shorter ones, or this "MiSTing" thing caused you to miss important plot points and character development. >.>

Oh, and don't you think if I were Alex, I'd have used a fox-based username? He's not exactly known for having a raccoon "fursona". >.>

Anonymous19: your little eye emoticon things are as annoying as you pretending that Alex has any friends. Fuck off.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Toon Coon: My stories are better. Fag.

Cat Bountry: Toon Coon: I have interacted with him online enough to confirm that EVERYTHING THAT HIS ED ARTICLE SAYS ABOUT HIM IS 100% CORRECT. I think there are enough people on FA and CYD that can confirm this.

And long =/= good. It's the same recycling of the same lame furry fan fiction tropes about how furries are so much better than HYOOMANS and life would be so much better without the STINKY HYOOMANS RUINING EVERYTHING. It's not quite as bad as say, "Sailor Moon: American Kitsune" but it's still pretty bad.

Also, using a fox-based username on a site full of people who would hate him by default would only make it more obvious. He's a misogynist, no-talent pile of creepy fetishes and fatness who misses the point of Anonymous and fags up the interbutts with creepy porn and shitty stories. He is the Furry Epic Fail Guy. Everything he says and does is so saturated with fail and awful it makes my face hurt just looking at it.

In conclusion, you're bad and you should feel bad.

PS: What kind of gay man draws hundreds of pictures of Gadget Hackwrench and Fifi LeFume porn? ONE THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY GAY.

queernigbilly: tldr

Cat Bountry: ^ Reader's Digest version: Toon Coon is AlexReynard, AlexReynard is a sick fuck who needs some .20 caliber aspirin.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: ^And he's not as talented as me.

Cat Bountry: Yes, Octavius.

You can at least make me laugh.

nebula: Also, why does he call himself Alex Reynard, but signs his pics with his RL initials (M.K. for Morgan Kohl). Make up yo mind, babe!

Cat Bountry: ^ His name is Morgan Kohl?

I was kind of expecting his name to be Alex. I mean, if you're going to make up a name for yourself on the internet, would you really choose "Alex"?

Anonymous20: /r/ the end result of gadget's "treatment" (did somebody say gesu?)

time to get cranking, som

som: Oh god, don't make me do this......

Cat Bountry: I'll do it if Som won't.

nebula: som, you've come so far, why stop now? Push it to the limit! Don't Look down,just keep your head or you'll be finished.

Toon Coon: ---
I've communicated enough with him to realize that whatever the ED article has stated is trivial. He's one of the few people left with a truly impressive imagination, and a nearly unbound sense of humour. he's a likable person, once you learn how to pull your head out of your bum. >.>
---
Obviously you've read much less than I have, and obviously only "How It All Began", which is the story you "MiSTed". By the way, as I've recently found out, it's MyST, as in Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Don't try and grammar nazi someone in MySTing when you don't know how to spell the term correctly. >.>
---
That happens to be the ONLY story of his on the subject. His others tend to hint at it briefly, but their general subjects aren't as, uh... cliched. >.>
---
I agree, a username with either fox or kitsune in it would warrant a lot of hate. best not to use it. But I'm sure he'd have come up with some more clever then Toon Coon. I'm using it because i like cartoons and raccoons. Though, unlike most furs who are as equally strange and "creppy" as Alex and I, I don't "obsess" over cartoon characters. I'd warrant going so far as saying "I'd love it if it were possible to become one" but then you'd take that and twist it out of context somehow. >.>

So what if his fetishes are creepy? they're just fetishes; they're not hurting anyone. And so what if he's overweight? Now you're just being mean for the sake of being mean. >:/

Misses the point of anonymous... you mean, how they like to piss people off for "lulz", the lowest form of humour possible? in other words, laughter at the expense of others? Anonymous is the collective "bully" of the internet. it will do anything and everything to get a "lulz". I'm just sorry i didn't find him in time to stop him from playing into yours and anonymous' games. :/

Again with the "shitty" stories. I'm happy to see you have an opinion, but i wish you'd have something to base it on. One story (and his shortest one to boot) is nothing to base an opinion on. Also, I know length does not equal quality. it's just that he tends to put more time and effort into his longer stories, meaning the statistics tend to play towards such things as "long=better". Dangerous Lunatics took a year to write. Why not MyST that one, or is it too damn long to finger through, picking at each sentence individually and taking each out of context for the sake of making him look stupid? >.>
---
Why should I feel bad? Seriously, I'm confused. I don't get off to torture. I get off to consensual stuff, pretty much exclusively. The characters in my porn are ALL enjoying what's going on at all times. How is that supposed to be shameful? o.o
---
look, I'll admit to fapping to gay porn, BUT only when a fetish of my liking is involved (a few forms of vore are hard to come by without at least one male taking part in it). But i can't for the life of me look at a man IRL and find him attractive. Am I gay? No. Am I bi? No. My libido is just less selective when it comes to porn. >.>

This is relevent to him in that he draws them partaking in his own fetishes (snuffie is a particularly intriguing one... what's not to like about consensual, painless mutilation? No one's being hurt, and it's just pictures? Why blow a gasket over that?), and therefore that makes them interesting. I can list male cartoon characters I have an attraction for if you want. It doesn't make me gay, though. (which also doesn't mean you won't take this, contort it, and say it DOES make me gay because even though I have no attraction to human males, being attracted to ANYTHING male OBVIOUSLY makes me gay, right?)

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Kill yourself, nigger.

Desumilk: Is there a tl;dr version of that shitload of words you just said, Toon?

Toon Coon: You have proof, Octovarious? Like... astory, perhaps? Actually, never mind. it'll likely end up being some "lulzy" thing you write on the spot to ridicule me or Alex, and expect me to respond to in a fit of fury. So yeah, I think I'll pass. >.>

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Sounds like you've had some previous encounters with Anonymous.

Desumilk: Toon Coon sounds like a butthurt chocobo.

Toon Coon: O.o

Someone's angry. >.>

And no, Desumilk, there isn't sorry. if you want drama, you're gonna have to work for it. <.<

And to the guy who hates my emoticons: suck my digital eyeballs. D:<

Toon Coon: The term "butthurt chocobo" made me XD.

And no, not really. that's just the internet being unable to translate emotion well. I know you doubt me, but I'm very calm and collected right now, treating this as a discussion rather than an arguement. I find it almost relaxing, really.

Desumilk: Drama? There is drama right here in this thread.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Fucking jungle bunny nigger-shit furfag. Take your emoticons and shove 'em. Or I'll find you... yes... I'LL FIND YOU. AND I'LL BURN YOUR LOVELY PET ANIMALS.

Anonymous21: *I'm* Alex Reynard, not Toon Coon.

Cat (or Seaweed), why do you fucking care so much? Okay, you hate me. Whoop-de-doo. I hate Bill O'Reilly but I don't spend all my time talking ENDLESSLY about how much I hate him! You created a troll account on FA after I had you blocked, just so you could start more shit with me! Why do I _matter_ to you so goddamned much? I cannot fucking understand it. If you disappeared off the internet tomorrow, I wouldn't seek you out so I could hate you some more. I'd just forget about you and be happy with that. I'm not denying I've never written anything about you, but I don't post it in public for everyone to see. I don't try to get other people to hate you. What the hell kind of life do you have that this is how you spend it!?

Cat Bountry: Desumilk: Short version of Toon Coon's rant is "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Desumilk: LOLOLOL

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: What the hell kind of life do you have that this is how you spend it!?
What the hell kind of life do you have that this is how you spend it!?
spend it!?
BAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!11

Cat Bountry: Also, Alex:

WELCOME TO THE PARTY.

I never created a troll account on FA to bug you more. BELIEVE IT OR, IT'S NOT JUST ME AND SOUNDHOUND THAT HATE YOU. SRSLY.

Also, it doesn't take much effort to get other people to hate you. All they gotta do is look at your artwork.

nebula: yay, furfag drama! X3 *gets popcorn*

Desumilk: ITT: RAGE, BAW AND DESUDESUDESU

Cat Bountry: you know, I think I'll just let Alex's art speak for itself.

ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO UPLOAD HIS ENTIRE GALLERY?

Toon Coon: Oh Octavious you card. You are so cute. :3

Jim Morrisons Zombie: SUP GUYS, WHAT'S GOIN ON HERE

Cat Bountry: AlexReynard is discovering Paheal.

Toon Coon: And now, for some unknown reason, I feel myself tilting in the centre of a balance board with Cat yelling one end and Alex defending on the other. Jesus, why do i have to get myself into these things? D:

Because I;m a good friend, and it tends to cloud my judgement at times. >.<

Oh well, at least I've got decent balance. <.<

Jim Morrisons Zombie: Oooh.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Toon Coon: WRONG!!!

Desumilk: There is no balence

Toon Coon: I just realized, does this mean I get an ED page? or does this... thing, that apparently looks like "furfag drama" not warrant me such a thing? >.>

'Cause I've been wanting one for a while now, just to see what it'd say about me, and all the rumours it would start. :3

Toon Coon: Octavious plays the Lex Luthor card! respond with logic and Superman! :D

... and it was a metaphor, dude. Not a great one, but you get the idea. >.>

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Toon Coon: WROONG!!!

Toon Coon: Two Os? Oh no! How can I combat it? D:

MORE logic, and we'll add Spider-man to the group! >:D

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Toon Coon: WOONG!!!

Anonymous22: WONG!!!!

Toon Coon: You leave Sum Ting out of this, jerk! D:<

Desumilk: SHITTY WOK

Cat Bountry: At this point, I think I'm just going to lean back and watch.

Toon Coon is doing all my work for me.

nebula: For the uninitiated, a brief glimpse into the genius that is Mr. Reynard's can be found at http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Alexreynard

featuring such piquant classics as Gadget On The Crapper, Chip Lays an Egg, and Jesus Christ, WTF is This Shit?

Desumilk: LOL@NEBULA

I think I better sit this shit out.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: :o

Jim Morrisons Zombie: Man, I keep thinking how much it would suck to have such retarded fetishes.

Desumilk: Wait wait, I found a quote on the ED article

Please go shove razor-sharp pieces of rusted metal into your crotch until you no longer have a penis. You're a stupid motherfucker who deserves to be retroactively aborted. You smell like two camels taking a shit in a garbage bag made out of fatty chicken skin.

HURRRRRRRRRRRDURRRRRRRRRRR

Anonymous23: /r/ ip check on toon cunt and anon 21 pls

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Anon 23: Samrt idear!

Anonymous24: /r/ing that Titanium delete all of the dramafaggotry here.

Toon Coon: Hey, I said before that it's Alex's stories that are the awesome things. His pics aren't exactly high quality for sure, which is why the ED page is riddled with them. >.>

And it doesn't suck having "retarded" fetishes, they're just hard to find is all. We're basically forced to make our own stuff this way. :/

And I love how half of those quotes from him are some of his best, and not just his "absolute pwnage of idiots" stuff. there are three quotes near the bottom of the last (the ones above the chan-tards one) that are absolutely hilarious and have nothing to do with being butthurt. Why they're there, I have no idea. >.>

And I lol'd at Toon Cunt. Nice. XD

Desumilk: /r/ing this picture just be deleted.

Toon Coon: Yeah, that's likely for the best. i was having fun and all, but I too hate pics with humungous comment lists. So yes, Titanium, if you wouldn't mind, purging this would likely be a betterment to the comments section of your website. :)

Anonymous25: I don't care how much talent you have ernest hemingway,albert einstein, winston churchill etc. If you want to fuck a rat. You're sick.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Something tells me that someone is bothered by all these comments...

nebula: RAY JONES I KNOW YOU'RE LURKING PAHEAL TOO

SHOW YOURSELF, MOUSE-HUGGER!

Ciorba: Oh no, for the love of God, keep the drama. Everytime I see a post by Toon Coon it makes me smile, much like seeing my old cat (PBUH) trying to open doors by running headfirst into them repeatedly made me smile.

Desumilk: ... Cain?

Toon Coon: ... i doubt there's anyway I can change that opinion, Anon25, so I'm not gonna bother. it's your opinion anyway,; you're entitled to it. >.>

And again Octavious, the internet is balls for portraying mood properly. I actually WAS having fun with this, but like I said, long commented pics are annoying. I don't know, maybe my head isn't hardwired correctly to realize when someone's trying to insult me or something, but seriously, it doesn't affect me. I'd give a link to my own FA accounts, but that would be stupid, and basically inciting flames. So good luck finding them on your own. I look foreward to seeing you folks there. :D

Toon Coon: Ciorba, your cat sounds hilarious. XD

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: "Octavious"

whut

Ciorba: Toon Coon: I wouldn't know. I haven't heard a sound from him since he got buried in the backyard.

O Rly: HAY GUISE WHUT'S GOIN ON IN THIS THRED????

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Fursecution.

Toon Coon: oops, i went from Octavarious to thinking your name was based on Doc Ock, somehow. My bad. >.o

And uh... woopsy on the cat thing... >.> (nervous laugh)

nebula: looqdrake, is dat you mah boi?

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: "Octavarious"

You're on a roll, tit-zippers.

Toon Coon: No, but I know him too, oddly. o.o

And FUCK the "-ous" suffix!!! D:<

Fine, it's Octavarius, NOT Octavious, NOT Octavarious... it's Octavarius... there... got it now. :D

Also, tit-zippers gets yet another XD from me. How could anyone think I'm NOT having fun with this? You people keep making me laugh. :D

Toon Coon: Also, I hate the term fursecution. it's a term of serious ignorance on the part of any fur that uses it, thinking that some stupid internet hating is equivelent of years of segregation and what not... >.<

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: BAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Ciorba: Okay, now Toon's just being a wanker.

PROTIP: we only tolerate you as long as you provide the lulz.

nebula: EtherRealty

nebula: go get 'im, boys! http://www.furaffinity.net/user/etherrealty

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: AW YEAH! SPAMMIN' TIME!

Toon Coon: XD

You guys ACTUALLY found me! NICE! I've NEVER had that many comments before. I think I'm gonna sit and enjoy watching the numbers go up-up-UP! :D

Gotta ask how you did it, though. Really, I'm curious. If you tell me, I might even retaliate, or do some more BAWing so you guys can keep laughing and what not. :D

Desumilk: Toon, for the sake of yourself and for this site.

Yiff in hell.

Excitebike: Oh shit, I missed delicious furry drama.

I hate being left out.

Oh well... at least not too late to catch up on Toon Coon's epic fail.

CommonTater: This scares me.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Toon Coon's fucking crying inside. His soul is tearing itself apart!

nebula: @TC,
1) View comments on reynard's recent FA submissions.
2) Find idiot who uses ">.>" in every paragraph.
3) ???
4) Profit!

Also, that's some nice spamming, boys. For some god-damn reason, sausage-boy here keeps an almost duplicate account:
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/drrourke/

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Fuck, I'm drained after all that motherfucking spamming, yo. Feels like the aftermath of sex.

Desumilk: Nebula, you arouse me.

Toon Coon: Yes, I do. That was my original which I'd made back when I gave a damn what the internet thought about me. Then I made the EtherRealty one and soon after realized that the internet's thoughts on me don't mean shit. >.>

Also, i thank each of you for contributing in my experiment. it was not my original intention for this to be the outcome, but then I became intrigued and found myself wanting to find something out... and now, here I am, and my comments are already at 165+! Feels good seeing that number beside that letter. :)

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: I'll hit the alt. account and Reynard himself tommorow. Could use a little more /b/ack-up, of course...

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Ether: Quit bullshitting.

Toon Coon: Aww, well you tried, Octavarius. 165 is very commendable for a first day pull. I'll likely delete them when I get up tomorrow to see how well things go for tomorrow. Want to keep my daily numbers accurate, you know? :)

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Heheheheh. If I hadn't seen this 'internet-facade' countless times before, it would've been humorous.

Let's face it; no furfag likes to see 165 spam-messages. Oh no, they want to see fellatio. Raises their low self-esteem, no?

Do alert Reynard for me, by the by.

Cat Bountry: Better smoke a cigarette.

Also, I'm going to shamelessly self-plug myself here, and give you an improved version of one of Alex's bestest stories. And by "bestest" I mean, "shortest," since who the fuck would be bothered to read over 9000 pages of this drivel?

http://seaweedprincess.livejournal.com/40964.html#cutid1

RocketLawnchair: tl;dr: LOL DRAMA AND TROLLS TROLLING TROLLS.

Desumilk: Oh, there is the tl;dr version.

Thanks Rocket.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Ew.

At least something good came out of that link -- I got your AIM SN, Cat Bountry! Now I'm going to sit and stare at it!

Anonymous26: Be sure to tell them about the part where you don't know that 4/5ths of six is more than 1.3, Cat.

nebula: That's some fine fursecutin', Emperor. Mighty fine fursecutin'.

Anonymous27: How much for a 'Collapse Comments' option, again?

nebula: "David unceremoniously spat onto Tom Cruise's anus, and then stuck his fully erect, four inch penis past his sphincter."

Now that is some good writin'. Read and learn, Reynard. Read and learn!

Cat Bountry: ^ Alex just wishes he could write Scientology slash fan fiction as good as I can. B3

Toon Coon: Who's David? better yet, where the hell did that line come from? that's hilarious. XD

Cat Bountry: David Miscaviage, Toon Coon.

Ciorba: Anon27: 5 blowjobs and a rimming should stir the admins from their slumber. Maybe.

Ciorba: Miscavige, Cat. Although his email is apparently miscaviage@whatever for some reason.

I read that as David Miscariage at first, which is almost as badass as Captain Falcon.

Toon Coon: ... and who exactly is that? I'd do a google search, but I can't be arsed to at the moment. :/

Cat Bountry: Shit, I can never spell his dumb name right.

I'll call him Miscarriage, then.

Ciorba: With the time and effort it took you to reply, you could have googled it already.

Dumbass furries.

Toon Coon: Hmmm, my Dr, Rourke one only has 17 comments... oh well. Tomorrow will be better. I expect so from the "awesomeness" that is Anonymous. >.>

Ciorba: I only see namefags here.

Dumbass furries, lrn 2 internet

nebula: TC, stop stroking your ego. Anonymous doesn't give a damn about your FA page.

Toon Coon: Yeah, but I just didn't want to. Google it, I mean. >.>

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Hey Cat Bountry, wanna instant message the ultra-sexual entity that is me? *wink wink*

Cat Bountry: Nothing of value seems to be on there, anyway, aside from MS Paint doodle comics.

Toon Coon: So? it's fun stroking my ego. If I found any of this hot I'd be fapping to it right now. :D

Toon Coon: yay! Cat thinks my MS Paint doodle comics of "of value"! :D

nebula: cyber orgy!

Cat Bountry: Valuable as say, pocket lint with chewed gum stuck to it.

And a paper clip.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Ouch. Ignored.

Cat Bountry: ^ Oh, was that you?

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: *sniff*

Toon Coon: FUCK YEAH! PAPER CLIP! XD

Cat Bountry: ^ I didn't know, I just that weird message and i figured it was one of those virus programs that infects your AIM account and spreads its AIDS through randomly IMing everyone on your friends list.

That happened to me before.

Cat Bountry: Rusty, bent out of shape paper clip.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Uh... okay...

My SN is ObsidianThalamus.

Toon Coon: And dammit, Alex noticed something sensible: even if i don't care about the spam, one or two of my watchers might (which is about... 10% of them, so it's substantial) so I'm gonna have to get a mod on it. :/

Sorry about that guys. You can keep trying, though. I've never known mods to be much of a hurdle for the internet hate machine. ;)

nebula: are you in love with Reynard, TC? I listened to your most recent audio rant (puke), and you bring up Reynard every five seconds. You put his icon prominently on your homepage, too.

Homosexual love affair? In my FA?

Toon Coon: FUCK YEAH! RUSTY, BENT OUT OF SHAPE PAPER CLIP! XD

Cat Bountry: Oh, I didn't even get your IM.

Toon Coon: It's more likely than you'd think. :O

But no, we're just friends. it doesn't help your arguement that I'm straight, either. And I'm glad you spent your time listening to my audio stuff. I hope the food you threw up still tasted good going the other way. ;)

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: That's why I didn't IM you. Should I? Or should you? It's your call, muffins.

Anonymous28: Jonas brothers: "we ALWAYS sleep with each other"
14 year old girl: "NOOOOO, I wanted to date all of you (at different times)"

Toon Coon: I think you're in the wrong place, anon28. >.>

Cat Bountry: Toon Coon, I am immensely curious: if you think AlexReynard is a good writer, what other writers do you like?

I'm having trouble believing anybody could like AlexReynard's writing.

Toon Coon: You mean like, writers that get paid for it? Uh... Steven King (of course), Terry Pratchett, Kenneth Oppel, Phillip Pullman (His Dark Materials is godly), and Piers Anthony all come to mind. Alex has the distinction of owning the most incredibly evil villain I've ever seen; a chick by the name of Beatrix Beverley, head nurse in an insane asylum for kids. She manipulates them until they get so utterly destroyed emotionally that they either break down or blow up at her. Then, when they leave the room, she masturbates over it. i found that so immensely disgusting, I knew I had to finish the story to find out how she died.

Toon Coon: Also, I was a huge fan of Goosebumps as a kid, and of course Animorphs (basically a requirement for my generation of furries to have grown up reading this series). >.>

Anonymous29: Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

Ciorba: I tried to read one of his non-porn stories and my eyes actually glazed over.
Seriously, all I remember was that he wanted to buy a "sea blue, the same color as watermelon-flavored bubblegum [...] but it wasn't like any color [he] had ever seen before" rodent plushie or whatever from ebay. Then a bit later people were talking about high school or some shit. The rest is a black hole in my memory, like my brain tried to erase this awfully dull piece of shit, or most likely did not bother to record it in the first place.

Given that I'm a fairly seasoned GAFF reader, that's saying a whole fucking lot.

pomponio: Who's Steven King?

nebula: masturbating over emotional distress? I do that too! :3

Toon Coon: Well you're obviously biased AGAINST furries, so no wonder you hated it. 9_9

And yeah, I admit that that means I'm also biased FOR his stories, sharing a number of his oddities and quirks, but hey, that made them better for me. :D

... though i guess that only matters for his porn stories and not his not porn ones... o.o

Ciorba: nebula: you, me, and every cliché villain (or even protagonist) written by shitty professional writers, sick fucks, and 12 year old goths all over the world.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: "She manipulates them until they get so utterly destroyed emotionally that they either break down or blow up at her. Then, when they leave the room, she masturbates over it. i found that so immensely disgusting, I knew I had to finish the story to find out how she died."

That's not evil.

Toon Coon: Well hey, everyone's gotta have a fetish. As long as you're not actually CAUSING IT initally, then all's well, Nebs. :)

(comment about nebula causing the emotional distress he faps to in 3, 2, 1...)

Toon Coon: Well to be honest, evil is based on one's stance and opinion. I see it as evil because it goes against every moral fibre in my body. but it's likely not quite the same for you due to your up bringing and what not.

It should also be noted that I "preach the word of Alex" only because he's a good writer in my own opinion. To be honest, I myself couldn't figure out how anyone (besides the furry haters) could hate his works... but yeah, I'll admit that's a tupid way of thinking. :/

Ciorba:

Well you're obviously biased AGAINST furries, so no wonder you hated it. 9_9

Yes, that must be why I hated it. It had nothing to do with passages such as the one I quoted, I bet. Nevermind that I frequently read fiction that would be described as furry by you retards, and that I have a deep love for non-human characters.

(Hate is a serious overstatement, by the way. I generally remember things that rouse me.)

Ciorba: "Also, her fur
was a pretty sea green: the color of watermelon bubblegum, although even that
isn't a good comparison. I'd never seen that particular shade of green before."
^The exact passage, just to show I couldn't make this shit up.

Cat Bountry: Toon Coon, that nurse villain doesn't really impress me.

Disgusting, yes. But grounds for a good story? No. At least not in Alex's hands.

Toon Coon: ... well sorry about that, I was taking those "dumbass furries" comments as if they meant something. i periodically forget to not do that sometimes. :/

Also, as it turns out, you got stuck reading the intro to Down in the Dumps, which is all Alex talking about how he loves flea markets. You didn't even GET TO THE ACTUAL STORY. Seriously, skip by that bit (I would, 'cause i agree with you there; that bit is a yawnfest).

But in all seriousness, I'd start with Summer Vacation of the Living Dead. it's an awesome one, if a bit long. :)

Ciorba: The point is, I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to skip ANYTHING in a good story. If I have to skip something, it means your story blows.

Note that I actually bothered to read about a quarter of the stuff, but as I said my brain stopped recording/started erasing when the horribly overdone bullying and highschool talk began.
Needless to say, what followed was seriously unimpressive and dragged on and on and on and on.

Fuck, since the comment section is already overly long, let me paste another beautifully-written wall of text:

"My brothers suck. They did that toilet thing again. Mom didn't get off the
couch to help me out, of course. But I didn't get in any more trouble at school
today, at least. There was a quiz on the solar system. I aced it. That stuff's
easy. Oh, and yesterday Jeri found that necklace she lost, the one she 'knew' I
stole from her. Dumb girl! Like I want some little plastic necklace that probably
came out of a gumball machine! She spent the whole day Monday crying to the
teacher, telling her I stole it! Mrs. Robertson probably would have spanked me if
she could've gotten away with it without losing her job. She sent me to the
principal anyway. Then they tried to make me confess. Ha! I never broke! They
threatened me with all sortsa stuff! Said they'd give me detention for a week. I
told 'em I didn't do it and there was no way they could prove I did. And
yesterday Jeri looks in her desk and there it is! She never even lost it, it was
just under some books! Man, did she get red! She told the teacher she found it.
And Mrs. Robertson said I didn't have to do detention anymore. She didn't
apologize to me though."
He paused, and he sighed.
"That would've been nice. If she'd said she was sorry."
He felt his eyes start to water. He hunched over and pulled all his stuffed
animals closer. He buried his muzzle in their soft fur. They were always there
for him.

TL;DR: shitsux

Toon Coon: Read further and shit gets better. >.>

Also, one has to realize that every other has his bombs, like any director has HIS bombs. M. night Shyamalan did the Sixth Sense. He also did the Happening. Go figure. >.>

Ciorba: Toon Coon: Do you get PAID or something?

nebula: He did Lady In the Water, and now I want to kill him ^.^

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: This 'man' is like a Scientologist.

Toon Coon: Nebula gets my point. :D

Paid? Oh yeah, $50 for everytime I name drop one of his stories. 9_9

Seriously, if you actually read it, you'd find it's actually pretty good. but instead, you'd rather beat around the fact that if you DID read it, you know I'd be right. >.>

Anonymous30: gheynard pays him in buttsex, no doubt

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Uh, no. I know good fanfiction because I write good fanfiction. Reynard does NOT write good fanfiction.

Toon Coon: ... I'm forgetting which one of Alex's posted works is actual fan fiction. Could you help me remember which one it is by giving me the title of it? I'd like that, thanks. :)

Cat Bountry: General consensus seems to be that Reynard is a shitty writer.

Shall we vote on it?

Toon Coon: Okay, but I don't know what that's gonna prove. >.>

*votes in favour of Alex being a good writer*

Anonymous31: FURFAGS SHOULD ALL DIE IN A FIRE, shall we vote on it?

Ciorba: Toon Coon: You're seriously starting to remind me of the christians/muslims who always tell me "Well if you did read the Bible/Koran, you know I'd be right!"
Newsflash, dumbfuck: I already read the Bible, the Koran, and this piece of shit (in case I hadn't mentioned that, oh, TWICE before).

And look, I didn't like it! How could this be? Surely I must be a biased fursecuter!

nebula: 'mfraid it's you vs the entire Internets, Coon.

you just lost the game

Toon Coon: Which piece of shit? You only mention Down in the Dumps, so I'm assuming you mean that when I'm clearly recommending you read one of his better works so you can see both sides of the scale. :/

Anonymous32: lol que

Toon Coon: I don't play "the game". "The game" is for people who like losing for some reason. :/

And i don't understand how a group of people who've collectively read one or two of his lesser works could come up with a more conclusive opinion on him than someone who's read ALL off them. >.>

Seriously, if any of you could prove you'd read Summer Vacation of the Living Dead or Dangerous Lunatics ALL THE WAY THROUGH and still didn't like them, then I would honestly concede defeat to the lot of you. I would openly admit that he's not as good as I'd "preached" him to be, if only because my own views are skewed in his favour as much as a furry hater's would be skewed against him. You have my word on that.

Now, who's willing to read through one of those stories in an attempt to get me to say "you win"?

Ciorba: I skimmed through the first part of the undead summer vacation bullshit, due to your whining.

Now how exactly are you going to give me back the time I just wasted?

Cat Bountry: face it, Toon Coon, you're defending a shitty writer who you seem to have an inexplicable loyalty to.

Give it up already. It's kind of sad now.

Excitebike: It's EXTREMELY sad.

Ciorba: It's even more pathetic if you actually read what he's defending.

Anonymous33: Gadget's extremely size-challanged state needs to be addressed. The only hero'd kiss her would be Ray Palmer the Atom ! By the way, Anonymous2, thank you for the ref. to "jissoureki" I was LOOKING for that. Red eye -green eye ... Negative Man

Desumilk: EVERYONE. EVERYONE.

SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.

BE CALM. THIS FIGHT IS OLD NOW.

Anonymous34: uh . . . OW. why would anyone like having a huge needle rammed into their stomach?

Desumilk: Just ask Alex, Anon34

Toon Coon: Yes , because "skimming through" also means "reading through", and you totally wouldn't miss anything from doing so. Totally. >.>

And you still haven't read any of his good stories, Cat. You're now forced to pull the "face it" card in an attempt to back me into a wall and admit to something that has no actual base, other than your own opinion. Like I said, you want me to "face it", then read the story. And actually READ it; none of this lazy skimming business. Do that, and as i said, I'll concede defeat and admit to Alex's apparent "shittyness" as long as you can both prove you actually read through the story and did not enjoy it.

And no, that doesn't mean MySTing it either. That's just picking at it and ONLY acknowledging the failures rather than than the goods and the bads... it'd be like taking apart a Rubik's Cube and putting it back together solved (or rearranging the stickers) and calling it stupid for being too easy to solve. >.>

Anonymous35: THE INTERNET IS NOT SERIOUS BUSINESS. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Desumilk: THE INTERNET IS VERY SERIOUS.

NOW BE CALM. THIS WILL NOT REFLECT YOUR ACTIONS IN REALITY.

Ciorba: Here's a question for Toon Coon: why would we want to do that?

Toon Coon: Very serious indeed. it's as if my whole life depends on this, and not just my current span of attention. >.>

Anonymous36: Harry Potter and the Curse of the Black Bastard.

Cat Bountry: MY GOD, TOON COON.

JUST KILL YOURSELF NOW AND DO US ALL A FAVOR.

SHUT UP.

Toon Coon: Because that at least seems to be what you're trying to do; make me admit to it. or maybe just seeing how far I'll go until i explode in a fit of frustrated rage. >.>

But the fact that no one seems to be volunteering for this job, I'm guessing either 1) you're already busy doing it, 2) you actually ARE just using half assed logic and what not to piss me off "for the lulz", or 3) you've realized ecactly what I said before: that if you did, I'd be right. o.o

Ciorba: Sorry, it was 4) We know that it's a pile of shit without having to write an academic essay about it, and we actually don't give a flying fuck about you (except for your wankery, which is downright fascinating.)

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: ............................................._,,,,-------,,,__
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Toon Coon: Cat Bountry now employing the "I can type louder than you can, so shut the fuck up" arguement, generally employed when one can no longer grasp at their usual strings and are forced to go for broke in a last ditch ploy of internet intimidation.

Nice try SeaweedPrincess, but I'm not as dumb as I look.

Cat Bountry: ............................................________
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Anonymous37: i'd rather not explain it...

Anonymous38: 4) NOBODY CARES ABOUT THAT SHIT

STFU ALREADY

Ciorba: THE WANKERY

IT'S OVERWHELMING

Toon Coon: Desumilk: incestuous RP in which a father (suffering from a serious bout of blue balls) spews cum at such a magnitude that his daughter (whom was sucking him off) is forced to pull his cock out of her cakehole and suffer a facial before asking him the fellation was to his liking. >.>

Deadpool: arguments on teh internetz is SERIOUS FUKING BUSINESS

Ciorba: Such a carefully chiseled plot. So much pathos. A literary genius.

Jonny5NeedInput: Let me show you how it's done. Make a line of text, or a simple period, then paste.
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Toon Coon: So, we're in agreement then? A stalemate where niether side can force the other to do their bidding? You can not get me to admit to Alex being a bad writer, and I can not get you to read his stories before jumping to conclusions. is this how it shall end, hmmm? Darn... I was hoping for something more challenging from my first forray into internet drama... pity, really. :/

Anonymous39: dont forget such broadly draw characters. Such DEPTH!!!

Anonymous40: be quiet

Toon Coon: Ciorba: not quite, but you get points for making laugh. You are gifted with the sarcasm. :)

Ciorba: Oh man, another genius in the house.

Toon Coon: making me laugh*

Anonymous41: Furfags STILL ruining everything, a36 made me lol ANON OUT (static)

Anonymous42: ^Emperoctavarius wins, and so, I will post all of his posted pics
>>153174
>>159760
>>162848
>>163526
>>163595
>>164362
>>173378
>>173580
>>173584
>>173587
>>173879
>>173927
please note, no matter how hard you try, you cannot unsee something, none of these are japanese, you have been warned...BY ANONYMOUS

Ciorba: Toon: I thought we had already made clear that you're not significant enough for us to bother with that.

We've already gotten everything we wanted from you, and then some.

Toon Coon: Come on, one more anon and we hit 42! the least we can do is celebrate the greatness that is Douglas Adams, whom I'm guessing you've all at least heard of. >.>

Which reminds me, he's another writer I like. Too bad he's dead and all. :/

Anonymous43: SO MANY POSTS *commits mass-murder/suicode*

Toon Coon: Nevermind, we already hit 42. :D

Ciorba: Please stop pissing on his grave.

Anonymous44: Harry Potter and the Golden Chink.

Anonymous45: toon coon fails it for anon is ALWAYS one step ahead

Anonymous46: AZN PORN MAKES COCKS ALL WARM A44!

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Anon 42: Wao.

Toon Coon: Ciroba, well i was certainly significant enough to bother with at the beginning of all this, so I wonder what happened... did getting to the point where you'd have to do work to win cause you to lose interest? If so, then you've all dissappointed me... which of course you con't care about. >.>

But, I am happy that I was at least able to amuse for some time. My purpose is to make others laugh, and i make no distinction between laughing with or at me. As long as I can spread the joy of laughter, then I have done my job. :D

... and wow, I really DO sound like a fucking priest. Yuch. :P

Anonymous47: Gadget fakes her Medicine

is 'Medicine' a proper noun in that caption?

Anonymous48: Lord of the Rings IV - Wrath of the NiggerKing.

Cat Bountry: I'm copying this thread for posterity.

If the admins want to delete it, they can.

EMPEROROCTAVARIUS: Lord of the Rings V: Ultra Tolkien vs. Mechagay Paolini

nebula: .
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Toon Coon: Good idea; as I said before, this thing's huge. best to archive it somewhere and let the "good citizens" of 34 get on with their lives. now if only we could do that with some of those aother hulking behemoths here. >.>

Desumilk: ............................................________
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Jonny5NeedInput: Good job nebula, you get a gold star.

Cat Bountry: ^ I want this thread copied so, in the off chance that you ever have children, i can email them and tell them how their daddy was so adamant on defending a shitty writer who wrote incestuous cub porn.

:D

Ciorba: I think you've mistaken our love for milking drama out of furries with interest in your person. It's like assuming that we considere Alex significant, when all we care about is the awful art and a weak personality prone to lashing out in anger.

You've gained the contempt of practically everyone with a fair number of braincells during the course of this thread and you've proven that you're pretty much a complete failure.
Stand proud, Toon Coon, and yiff in hell.

nebula: for the record, I have nothing against incestuous cub porn.

however, this thread is made of 50% drama, 50% furfaggotry, and 50% fail. That's 150% motherfucker!

Ciorba: I think Jonny5 didn't realize that this comment was adressed to him:
Ciorba: Oh man, another genius in the house.

Toon Coon: What would be the point? I'd likely read Summer Vacation of the Living Dead to them as a bed time story. They'd already be aware of Alex, so it'd likely render your usage of this thread moot. >.>

but hey, whatever toots your flute, scat cat. ;)

Ciorba: And this is how shitty writers breed, people.

Anonymous49: get the nigger out!

Anonymous50: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Faggots.

Jonny5NeedInput: tl;dr Why is everyone so on edge?

Deadpool: i didnt kno Don Imus posts here o_0

Ciorba: Because abnormally high levels of wankery have an adverse effect on the human body, Jonny.

nebula: Alex Reynard and Toon Coon are real nappy headed ho's

Ciorba: OH SNAP

Toon Coon: No, Ciorba, I'm already quite aware of the ways of the internet hate machine and its search for lulz. I'm also more than happy to contribute, knowing that somewhere, someone is laughing their ass off at all this dramallama shit. ;)

And yes, I AM making that mistake, and willfully, too. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to get as much fun out of it as you do, which just wouldn't be fair now would it. >:D

Amd the contempt of the internet masses means shit to me, my friend. unconstructive criticism bounces off me like bullets to Superman (though i hate comparing myself to a super hero). >.>

Oh, and on that last bit: I already stand proud, and I can't wait to go to hell so I can actually get laid. Seriously, it'll be fun, "yiffing" while the rest of you stare at us, wondering how the hell we ended up getting a better afterlife than you did... actually no, that's cruel... I think I'll just stick with being happy that though I may die a virgin, hell can only hold gratuitous sex for me. Why? Because I'm a furry! :D

Jonny5NeedInput: Ah, lack of protein... and some people asphyxiate to get off... Your brains need oxygen people!!

Desumilk: God must have farted when he created Toon and Alex.

Cat Bountry: Toon Coon is preparing to abuse his unborn children.

Oh, lawdy.

Jonny5NeedInput: How about we change topic? Anyone know the true legend of Pedobear?

Anonymous51: Batman III - The Furfag Returns.

Ciorba: Are you still under the delusion that you're being targeted by anonymous, or that we're trying to piss you off? I don't get it.

Also thank you for proving that furries are definitely spawns of the devil. Oh, and virgins.

Toon Coon: Desumilk: ... I have no idea what that even means, or if it's even an insult. Farting is fun and amusing. So, he had fun when he made us? O.o

nebula: Toon Coon won't have children, because gay secks doesn't work like that. All you get is dookie bits sticking to your kawk.

Ciorba: Cat: Assaulting your children with horrible fanfiction would probably be considered a heinous crime in court.

EDIT: This thing is so huge, I need to split it into two parts. Jesus.

MiST Part Three: OH GOD IT'S FINALLY OVER.

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 03:46:52 GMT

>>"Unicron..." he twitched, trying to force down the nervousness threatening his self-control. "Nice--" Then he remembered his military training and straightened himself out, "Requesting permission to board your vessel."

Tom: if I remember correctly, he IS the vessel.

>>Unicron chuckled, the sound humorless. No, wait there. I'll come out.

Joel: (as Unicron) Let me slip into something more comfortable.

>>With that, the force holding Starscream pushed him back at least half a mile. Horror choked his intakes when he realized the scale of this thing. It had to be Jupiter-sized!

Crow: That's like, the size of a kajillion elephants, at least!

>>You may want to back up some more.

Tom: Back up, back up, tell me, what you gonna do now?

>>What? Starscream turned just as the silver ring system he failed to notice before snapped free of its bindings. The loose ends whipped up without warning. He dove upwards, barely avoiding a collision.

>>Dread tangled his fuel tanks. He had to be hallucinating...

Joel: He probably is. What was in those rust cookies?

>>The gigantic maw closed and the entire front of the sphere split apart like wings, revealing black and gold machinery. Everything happened in slow motion. Starscream saw arms and legs unfold--his perspective of them was skewed by his close proximity. He saw hands bigger than ships spread open. He saw the edge of one shoulder sliding into position, the other lost far in the distance. He saw a head as large as a moon flip up into view, red optics flickering online to stare back at him. Lastly, the horns decorating the helm rotated upwards and locked into place.

>>It was a Transformer so large that his optics were crimson oceans in the darkness.

Crow: Hopefully, he's large enough that having sex with Starscream will be impossible.

>>Starscream just stared open mouthed at this tremendous being before him. He clearly saw his reflection in Unicron's left eye.

Joel: (as Starscream) Hey, I'm looking good...

>>Unicron, with his golden armor, his metal beard and the black marks over his eyes and cheeks--his broad chest, his massive wing array, the way his abs glowed red and his...hands...he looked like a savage god!

Tom: Oh great, this is going to degenerate into another sex scene.

>>"Oh...my...y-you're big," Starscream gulped. He would've sank to his knees if he had a floor under him. The scale of Unicron's size defied logic. He didn't know whether to be terrified or enamored.

Crow: He's found true love at last, though.

>>Unicron smirked--his lips full and pointed, a broad canyon etched into his visage slowly rearranging itself--and it caused one optic to squint. A flash of hunger flickered behind the red glass. The same darkness existed within Megatron, yet in Unicron it was different--a controlled storm ready to strike when he willed it. His hand came up under Starscream, giving him a surface to stand on. It was a continent upon itself, the lazily curled fingers like silver mountains marking a metal horizon.

Joel: ALL RIGHT, WE GET IT, HE'S HUGE!
Crow: My X-Box is bigger.

>>Starscream had become the dust mote he envied.

Tom: If only.

>>The hand moved up until he found himself leveled between Unicron's optics. He bit his bottom lip, wary of the fingers looming behind him. Just one tap from them would crush him like an ant.

Crow: DO IT, UNICRON, DO IT!

>>Finally, Starscream couldn't take the silence anymore. He spat out the first words that came to mind. "So, um...I don't see how this lesson plan is going to work. It's a bit of a size difference."

Joel: (as Unicron) It's always about sex with you, isn't it?

>>Massive optics squinted into red slits. Hmph!

>>Starscream winced inwardly. ...I'm slagged.

Tom: We're all slagged.

>>Unicron's optics flared, blinding him.

>>...I'm going to die!

All three: HOORAY!

>>He waited for the fingers to come down. He waited for lasers to rip him apart. He waited to be swallowed whole and melted in acid. He waited...

(All three lean forward in anticipation)

>>The light dimmed until it no longer dazzled Starscream's optics. His logic circuits did a double take.

Crow: My logic circuits just blew.

>>Unicron stood a head taller than him--the same height as Megatron.

Tom: Well, so much for hoping that sex would be impossible.
Joel: Hey, he's a Shrinky-Dinx robot.

>>The silver hemispheres that split apart when he transformed were missing, leaving just the whip-like wing array glistening behind his shoulders. His optics shone like human blood splattered on ice. He crossed his thick arms, shifted his weight to one leg and tipped his head slightly in a way that exposed the side of his black throat. Not once did he take his gaze off Starscream. "Is it an issue now?"

Crow: unfortunately, since he shrunk like that, he's now dense and will surely crush Starscream if he so much as touches him. Right? RIGHT?
Joel: I don't think so, Crow.

>>Starscream gasped, "What the!"

Tom: HOW YOU GET SMALL?!

>>"I'm a god. The dark god, the Chaos-bringer, galactic grim reaper...the list goes on."

Joel: I am Galactus, eater of- oh, wait.

>>Unicron made a sweeping gesture. "I was created by Primus' antithesis. I can do anything I want. You're still standing in my hand, Starscream, I've just altered your perception of me so I appear smaller. I can manipulate my environment as I see fit." He looked up and their surroundings morphed into a silver room. No windows, a closed door, and only dimly lit by white neon lights running along the walls. Lingering in the corners was same cold numbness Starscream always felt around the moon base. It was like a prison cell. "Understand?"

Crow: Welcome to the real word, Neo.

>>I'm messing around with a god! What am I getting into? I...oh... he looked again at Unicron's face. Most of his paneling had smoothed away, turning his face into flawless reflective mercury. He looked so perfect. Too perfect.

Tom: He must be destroyed.

>>Unicron turned his head side to side a bit, arching a black eyebrow. Light moved across his seemingly fluid skin like a caress. He rubbed a finger over his own cheek, showing that his face was solid. Starscream's eyes followed that finger, watching it move down and away. He suddenly wanted that hand to touch him. He longed to wrap it around himself and disappear into the joints.

Crow: Gaaaayyyyyy...
Joel: Why can't you support Starscream's lifestyle choice, huh Crow?

>>"Does this size appeal more to you?" asked Unicron.

>>"Um..."

Tom: It's tilting to the left, really.

>>You wanted out, Unicron's voice said into Starscream's mind. He reached out and touched Starscream's bottom lip with his thumb in a manner that held many promises.

Joel: Quiet, honey, you talk to much.

>>Even his hands were flawless--not a single scratch, dent or imperfection anywhere. I am your way out. Listen to me and I will teach you everything you need to know.

Tom: ever wanted to learn how to knit? i can teach you that.

>>Unicron's thumb slid to the side. He applied just enough pressure to flatten the lip without damaging it. Then he shifted his attention upwards, repeating the gesture across the top lip. It didn't hurt, but Starscream cringed instinctively and fought the urge to step back. He let his eyes wander to the magnificent silver wing array extending from Unicron's back. The digits moved like hair blowing in a gentle breeze and shimmered in the eerie lighting.

Crow: Joel, this prose is so flowery, I think I'm turning into a daisy.
Joel: Yeah, I know, mushy stuff, right?

>>Unicron seemed to take the universe and wrap it around himself.

Tom: I think Stephen Hawking just shed a tear right now.

>>Starscream, being part of the universe, felt himself being pulled in.

Crow: SCIENCE!

>>"How do you like to be touched?"

Joel: Punch him in the gut and pee on him, he'll love that.

>>"Um..." Starscream's mind struggled to glom

Crow: "Glom"?

>>onto a coherent thought. The thumb on his lips drove him mad. Had he fallen into someone else's fantasy? "I-I don't know..."

Crow: What the hell does "glom" mean?!

>>Actually, he found it disconcerting to have a mech he barely knew asking such a personal question.

Tom: THANK YOU, THAT MEANS YOU HAVE HALF A BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD.

>>Megatron did the same thing...and that led down an ugly path. But if he was honest with himself, he really didn't know how he liked to be touched. He had never been touched by anyone besides Megatron--and Megatron only engaged in foreplay for his own enjoyment.

Joel: I wonder if there's some kind of robot rape support group, you know?
Crow: I'm going to need to go to a support group for being subjected to this fanfiction.

>>Ashamed, Starscream turned his head. Through the corner of his eye he saw Unicron's lips. Their stillness amazed him. Lips were dynamic, moving things that often reacted involuntarily to individual emotions, yet Unicron's mouth never changed. His whole face was an indifferent mask with eyes that regarded him coolly. But his mouth, set in such relaxed apathy as light and shadow shifted around it, became a fascinating mystery.

Tom: OH GEE, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A ROBOT?!

>>I wonder if gods get horny...

Crow: I know Zeus did.

>>Motion at last. The left side of Unicron's lips twitched into a mirthless smirk that distorted half a shadow. Both parted, flashing fangs that put Megatron's to shame, and the darkness that dared reside there was swallowed whole, "We most definitely do."

Joel: Oh, Unicron, you card.
Tom: Hope he brought some WD-40.

>>Starscream gasped. How dare Unicron butt into his thoughts!

Crow: HA, YOU SAID "BUTT!"

>>"Stop reading my mind!"

>>"Stop thinking so loud."

>>"Grr!"

Tom: Roar!
Joel: Growl!
Crow: Snarl!

>>"You're so high strung. That is what allows Megatron to manipulate you, Starscream. You give away too much. Anger, sadness, shame..." Unicron walked slowly around Starscream as he spoke, his rich, smoky voice never rising or falling. "Everything shows on your face. You broadcast."

Crow: In HD, even.

>>Starscream stood there, his entire body tense. Occasionally, Unicron brushed his fingers across his armor. Unicron's hands were big and dexterous, arousing tingles under Starscream's metal skin.

Joel: Hey, you guys have metal skin, can you feel like that?
Tom: Sort of, it's kind of complicated.
Crow: Normally, though, metal brushing against metal would just scrape.

>>Still, Starscream couldn't stop envisioning a sudden fist in the mouth.

Crow: Look Ma, I can fit my whole fist in there!
Joel: Poor Starscream's bee abused so much he can't even handle a healthy relationship anymore.
Tom: This is not a healthy relationship. Unicron is obviously taking advantage of Starscream's emotional vulnerablity for a bootycall.
Joel: Really?
Tom: Definetly.

>>He began to tense even more in anticipation. Especially when Unicron halted in front of him and whipped around to stare into his optics.

>>"Look at yourself. You're tense." He leaned forward and smelled Starscream's throat. "I can smell your fear."

Tom: No, that's just gas.

>>The tension in Starscream reached a fever pitch. God or no god, he didn't like Unicron stringing him out like this! At least with Megatron he could tell when a blow was coming. Unicron's movements hinted at nothing.

Crow: Unicron: Master of evil, evil mind games.

>>"If you're going to make a fuck toy of me, just get it over with already! Otherwise just let me--"

Tom: --finish my sentence!

>>A sudden, powerful kiss cut his voice off. Liquid, warm, gliding, it reached to the center of him faster than a shot of high grade energon. Starscream felt his knees wobble and give out. He gripped Unicron's chest for balance as his innards twisted in a mix of pleasure and fear.

Joel: You know, "liquid" "warm" and "gliding" are not words i think of when somebody starts talking about robots.
Crow: No. We are solid, cold and grating. And damn proud of it.

>>The dark god's kiss was brutal, but not painful. Compared to him, Megatron kissed like a Sparkling!

Tom: Did I mention he was better than Megatron? Because he is.

>>It wasn't until Unicron moved away that Starscream realized he forgot to kiss back. But it was so overpowering...it had robbed him of all coherent thought. He licked his lips, trying to figure out the odd, dusty taste lingering on his mouth.

Crow: It's AIDS. Robot AIDS.
Joel: Ouch.

>>"You have so much unresolved sexual tension," Unicron said against Starscream's lips, "Being forced to finish alone..." another kiss, "it must wear on you."

Tom: (as Unicron) now, zit on zee couch and tell me about your muzzah.

>>Starscream felt himself heating up inside. Fear dampened his full enjoyment of the moment. Any second now he expected Unicron to bite his lips off his face. He gulped, "S-so?"

Joel: Poor Starscream will never be able to have a healthy relationship again because of Megatron's abuse.
Tom: And Unicron taking advantage of said abuse.

>>Unicron eased him to the floor. It was cushion like. Was it always that way, or did it just change when they laid down? Starscream's head spun, he wasn't even sure this was real.

Crow: remember, they are still on Unicron's hand, and the Unicron about to have sex with Starscream is just a puppet.
Joel: This is getting weirder and weirder.

>>"That tension needs to disappear if you're ever going to learn anything, Starscream," said Unicron in a new, purring tone. He kept saying Starscream's name as if it tasted good on his tongue. It made Starscream feel like a person instead of an object.

Tom: Starscream... oh, Starscream...
Joel: Oh, George...
Crow: Marsha...

>>"But why...me? There's a million other people in my situation."

Joe: Megatron has raped a million other people? Wow.

>>"Why not you?" Unicron countered.

>>"Maybe it's not worth my time."

Tom: (as Unicron) Oh, so a Dark Robot God isn't good enough for you, huh?

>>That thumb on his lips again, breaking his mental walls. Starscream stared into Unicron's suddenly-close optics. They offered nothing but his own reflection.

>>"If it wasn't, I wouldn't be here talking to you. I'm tired of Megatron thinking he's a god among mortals."

Joel: (as Unicron) Speaking as an actual God among mortals, i find the whole thing very insulting.

>>"So why don't you just crush him?"

Crow: YES, PLEASE DO. AND THEN CRUSH THE AUTHOR.

>>That wonderful finger

Tom: It's Wonderful! Hyuk hyul hyuk!

>>slithered down Starscream's cockpit, down his stomach and twirled around the tip of his cone. "Because you need the vindication."

Joel: Does he really, though?

>>Starscream found himself wrapped in Unicron's wing array. Hunger for something more than energon flashed through his body.

Crow: (as Starscream) I hunger... for BRAAAAIIIIINSSSSS!

>>Need, aching, built up over the years, exploded through his neural net. It was an arousal so potent that he nearly shut down from the tension.

Joel: Where, he almost got a Blue Screen of Death, there...

>>"Do you want me to continue, Starscream?"

Tom: GAME OVER. CONTINUE? Y/N

>>A choice? Unicron offered him a choice?

Joel: I've never had to make choices before, this is hard!

>>With no idea where this moment would lead, Starscream whispered, "Keep going..."

Crow: No, I was kidding, STOP! PLEASE STOP!

>>The tip of one wing digit popped his cone open and slipped up inside, filling the part of him that ached.

Joel: His Achey-Breaky Heart, specifically.

>>Unicron stimulated him externally with his finger while the wing digit slowly built up a charge.

Crow: SCREEECH SKROOONK SCREEEEEEEEEECH!
Joel: Ow, robot sex is painful.

>>"You like that," Unicron said, "It's okay to like it, Starscream."

Tom: Nobody will judge you except the readers.

>>Time as Starscream knew it ceased. Reality for him became a tingle threading through his body until even his teeth felt the buzz.

Joel: (Singing) Can you feel my love buuuuzzz, can you feel my LOVE BUUUUZZZZ?

>>"Oh!" moaned Starscream, his back arching involuntarily. And then...fear.

Crow: And loathing.
Tom: But mostly loathing.

>>Never before had he been allowed to enjoy such wonderful stimulation. Touch often meant pain. This wasn't painful. His mind and body reeled for purchase on reality--but he couldn't penetrate

Joel: Ah ha ha...

>>Unicron's illusion or his own doubts.

>>He flailed, batted the wing array away from his body and scooted backwards out of Unicron's reach.

Tom: Get that thing out of my face.

>>"I-I'm sorry..." Starscream hugged his knees to his chest, angry with himself. "I-I just--need a minute."

Crow: TRIGGERS! FLASHBACKS! OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

>>"I understand."

>>Just like that. No anger or annoyance.

Tom: I think it's been well-established how much better Unicron is than Megatron by now.

>>Starscream faced forward and settled his hands on his knees. Why was he panicking? He highly doubted Megatron would come leaping out of a shadow and drag him back to the moon.

Crow: That's be pretty funny, though.
Joel: Rape is never funny.
Crow: Robot rape is.
Tom: You're sick, Crow. Sick.

>>Squashing the illogical thought let him relax. Easing himself to lie back again, he looked up at his golden companion, "I think I'm ready now."

Crow: (as Spock) I can't relax. This entire situation is highly illogical, captain.

>>I deserve this. I have a right to feel what he wants to give me.

Joel: But what did we do to deserve this?

>>Unicron bent down and Starscream melted into his firm kiss. Firm...not painful.

Tom: BECAUSE UNICRON IS NOT LIKE MEGATRON AND WOULD NEVER HURT STARSCREAM, OKAY?

>>Starscream stuck his tongue out and explored inside Unicron's mouth. The planet eater had teeth harder than any material known. And his lips...oh...much softer than they looked. His dusty taste turned out to be soil--how strange that it wasn't at all unpleasant.

Crow: Mmmm, taste that dirt.

>>"Why?" Starscream breathed.

>>"Why what?" Unicron pressed two array digits into Starscream's wing nozzles. Another resumed its stimulation of his cone. The last one wrapped around his narrow waist.

>>"Why...ooh...are we--here?"

>>"Interesting question. For now, let's say 'fate.'"

Joel: So much for that existential crisis.

>>"Unh...ohh!" Starscream whimpered, his orange optics flickering. He arched against Unicron's chest, clutching at his armor. His mouth seemed locked open as he gasped and floundered in a sea of sensation. He struggled to stay afloat in the chaotic water, terrified that sharks waited for the fateful moment he gave in and sank.

Crow: Wait, how'd they get in the ocean?
Tom: i think it's a metaphor. For their love.

>>"Let yourself feel it," Unicron whispered into his ear.

Joel: Oh, I feel it. I feel the cosmos.

>>He turned up his voltage, sending sparks across Starscream's body. Pleasant burning built between his legs and flared towards his cockpit. "This is not wrong, Starscream. Your body is meant to feel this."

Tom: WHO PROGRAMMED THESE ROBOTS?!

>>The buildup made Starscream shake uncontrollably. Unicron plunged his tongue into his open mouth. Starscream's hands ended up wrapped around Unicron's horns. He hung on for dear life. He was spiraling to the point of no return. To a happy place where stars and moons collided in blasts of rainbow colors and the only sensation he knew was the itchy vibration passing through his neural system.

Joel: Where unicorns fart rainbows and puppies with angel wings eat jellybeans and drink strawberry cola all day.
Crow: What drugs do I have to take for that to happen?

>>This was always the moment Megatron cut everything off.

>>Unicron didn't stop.

Tom: SEE HOW DIFFERENT THEY ARE? SEE?!

>>"Feel it," he said, and increased the voltage. "There is no shame."

Crow: Then why do I feel so dirty?

>>Something inside Starscream opened its eyes. It sat up, shaking off a pile of chains binding it to the floor, and roared.

Tom: LOOK OUT, IT'S A LION!
Crow: Kitty!

>>He answered it.

Joel: "Hello, mister Lion? I'm having sex with Unicron right now, could you call me back? Thanks."

>>"Oh-OH! More volts! AH!"

Tom: More power... MORE POWER!

>>Unicron complied without question.

>>Starscream sank further into himself.

Crow: And this story just keep sinking further and further...

>>There were no sharks...just pleasure, wonderful, aching, all-encompassing pleasure. His internals contracted so violently that one of his lubricant tubes ruptured. Mech fluid spurted from his cone. He spread his legs and stopped thinking, his mind lost in a sensation that almost hurt.

Crow: No sharks. Awwwww...
Joel: I think Starscream is having the robot equivalent of a hemorrhage, there.

>>He didn't know when Unicron cradled his shaking body to his chest. He didn't know when his overload actually ended. Hell, he didn't even know when the wing array withdrew from his body. He had no tension left in him. He might as well be rubber now.

Tom: I can't imagine robots made of rubber being very useful...

>>"Uh...unh..." he panted, trembling. Smoke rose from his joints where the circuits nearly overheated. "Wait--what about you?"

Joel: Jesus, Unicron nearly broke the poor guy.

>>"This was about you, Starscream. Now relax and recharge. We have a lot of work to do." Unicron placed an energon cube on Starscream's tongue. It tasted sweet, but food from a god was supposed to be amazing. Starscream swallowed it without question. The cube had been barely larger than his fingertip, yet contained energon so pure that his energy gauges jumped to full capacity.

Crow: The street value of God Energon is pretty high these days.

>>I gave myself to a god, he realized, the drunken stupor of over energizing relaxing him further as he gazed up at Unicron's smooth metal face. And then he fed me...is this a dream?

Tom: yes, Starscream. Nobody wants to have sex with you. Ever. Not even Megatron.

>>Unicron's optics flickered. You aren't dreaming.

Tom: So much for that.

>>"So...I'm not going to wake up back in the moon base?"

>>"No," whispered the dark god, "You will wake up to the beginning of your rebirth."

Crow: You'll be flushed out of the Matrix, and join us against the Sentries.

>>Starscream couldn't find a sarcastic reply.

Joel: Yeah, right.

>>He was too exhausted and satisfied to fight. Letting his optics go dim, he slipped into his recharge cycle. His metaphorical self floated on its back in a now-calm ocean whose current carried him towards a pleasant, yet still uncertain future.

Crow: That's it? that's the end? THANK GOD!
Joel: We made it, guys. That what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Tom: That's one way of looking at it. let's get out of here.

(Joel, Crow and Tom exit the theater)
(theater closing sequence)

END TRANSMISSION.

MiSTer's Note: This took me just about all day to trudge through this dreck. I am so goddamned drained right now, I never want to read anything by this author again. Also, this work is on here fanfiction.net account, a website that banned NC-17 works several years ago, when I was still a member starting out on the site. I highly suggest you go to her page and report fucking everything. For great justice.

http://www.fanfiction.net/~cyndi

Cheers!

~ SeaweedPrincess

MiST Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 03:36:47 GMT

(Enter Door Sequence)

(Enter Joel, Crow and Tom into the theater, grumbling)

Crow: Richard Basehart and Gypsy Get married, please...
Joel: Oh, shut up.

>>Snarling, Starscream slipped into his own private quarters. He punched the wall to the left of the door--its metal surface already had dents from constant abuse. Residing within the mangled metal was a lifelike engraving of Megatron's face. Starscream's repeated blows left a diagonal slash across its cheeks and marred its left optic.

Tom: That's not creepy at all.

>>Swindle leapt to attention. He'd been resting on a corner of the recharge berth up until then. Starscream gestured for him to go back to sleep and turned away.

>>"It's nothing, Swindle. I'm okay."

Joel: Grandma isn't here yet, go back to sleep.

>>The Mini-Con beeped his concerns. Sometimes it seemed like Swindle was the only one who didn't look at him like walking junk.

Tom: Only because he doesn't know better.

>>Starscream merely shook his head. "I appreciate it, but really, I'm fine."

Crow: Maybe you can massage my feet later, okay?

>>A shower under the hot spray-wash blasted the nasty waste off his metal skin. He planted his hands on the wall while the cleaning jets descended to spray his lower half clean.

Tom: Nothing will be able to clean off the shame of having been peed on by Megatron.

>>Primus, I hate it when he uses me! Starscream cursed, It's my looks...Cyclonus and Demolishor look like garbage heaps. Megatron has had it in for me for...I can't hardly remember...he said I was so good looking when he first met me.

Joel: He was probably drunk in a bar.

>>It went to hell from there. I used to be blue, I used to have silver eyes, and he reformatted me.

Tom: Something tells me that's not quite canon.

>>I like red, but I don't like to BE red, and he knew it... He raised his head to study his reflection in the wall. Water beaded on his lean red body and pale cheeks.

Crow: he means on his face, right?
Joel: Ah, i don't think so, Crow.

>>His teeth gleamed between his thin, curvy lips--what word did Alexis use to describe them? Cute...she said his mouth was cute. Embarrassing!

Tom: Humiliating, even!

He put the humans out of his mind. It hurt to think about them.

Joel: (as Starscream) Ouch.

>>All these years under Megatron--literally. It weighed on him.

Crow: Literally.

>>Megatron, always taking his fill and leaving him to finish himself. He growled and shut off the water jets, I wish I had a way out of this! It would be so satisfying to make HIM squirm for once!

Tom; But would it really fill the void in his heart?

>>Starscream watched the water drip off his body. He waited for the silence to hear his cry for liberation.

Joel: Huh?

>>Then he turned away, cursing his foolishness. He paid no mind to the tingling sensation of invisible fingers wrapping around his head. Just another phantom feeling that came and went most of his life--nothing worth his notice.

>>...and then it spoke.

Tom: (mysterious voice) WELL HELLO THERE.

>>Your wish can be granted, Starscream.

Joel: (as Mysertious Voice) As long as you don't wish for more wishes.

>>The deep, rich monotone glossed over his mind like a flicker of sunlight in an agitated puddle.

Crow: You see that? That's art right there.

>>"Huh?" Starscream whipped around to his empty room. Water wicked off his frame. His orange optics flickered nervously. "Who said that? Swindle?"

Crow: Mr. Beardsly?
Tom: Dad?
Joel: Chief?
Crow: McCloud?

>>Swindle was recharging again. It couldn't have been him--Swindle didn't talk much at all.

Joel: And when he did, it was never about anything besides baseball cards.

The mysterious voice spoke again: All will be revealed in time. You seek escape, don't you? I can grant it.

Tom: Hey, I think it's the narrator...

>>"Show yourself!"

>>Not now, but soon. Follow my instructions and you'll never be his toy again.

Crow: Ironic, really, since Transformers are pretty much just a toy line anyway...

>>Never be Megatron's whore...what did that mean? Escaping him forever, never to see him again?

Tom: I'm pretty sure that's your only option at this point.

>>I can teach you how to turn his game back onto him. I've been watching you. I know what you desire. Liberation--it can be granted. Do you desire it enough to risk everything, Starscream?

Joel: Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?

>>It said his name like it knew him.

Tom: The voices in your head probably are pretty well acquainted with you, Starscream.

>>The corner of Starscream's mouth lifted. Turning the tables on Megatron? To be the one on top, watching him writhe while he used his sexy body as his own pleasure toy...nothing would make Starscream happier! Megatron needed to be knocked down a notch, and putting such an insult on his sexual prowess...genius!

Joel: Rape the rapist, that's what I always say!

>>Then...doubt. This could be a ploy by Megatron to test his loyalty.

Crow: What loyalty?!

>>He wanted to believe that voice. This war had no purpose anymore. If he could leave it behind without worrying about Megatron chasing him down...if he could lift away his shame...if...if...if--

Tom: If... if.. if... if...

>>Maybe he was going insane. Maybe this was all a delusion. Maybe he would wake up in a few minutes to find it all just a dream.

Joel: I'm kind of hoping for that, myself.

>>Why not indulge this dream a little longer?

Crow: let's see just how low this story can go!

>>"I like how you think..." Starscream looked up, his earlier humiliation smarting for payback, and offered himself to destiny. "Tell me what I have to do."

Joel: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to-

>>.o

Tom: What is that little ".o" thing anyway?
Joel: That's a good question, I don't know...

>>Three Earth days passed, and Starscream counted every hour in anticipation of meeting the face behind the disembodied voice.

Crow: Kind of like meeting your date through the internet, I guess.
Joel: Then it's going to just turn out to be a really fat, dude robot.

>>It had instructed him to wait for a message telling him when to leave. On the morning of the third day, he woke from recharge with coordinates running through his mind like a mantra. Whoever sent them was a telepath--a very powerful one.

Tom: Miss Cleo?

>>The day started out so well. He located a Mini-Con on a distant Earth island while Demolishor and Cyclonus were off arguing about battle tactics. Megatron sent him alone to retrieve the Mini-Con.

Crow: (as Starscream) C'mere, Mini-Con! C'mere boy! That's a good boy!

>>Starscream's mind remained on alert for the silent signal. So much so that he never quite focused on his mission. He ended up outnumbered by Optimus Prime, Hot Shot and their Mini-Cons--and failed to obtain the Mini-Con as a result. A humiliating failure...he dropped it during the firefight and Optimus snatched it up. He dropped it as if the universe conspired to spoil him in the face of victory.

Tom: Now, that was probably an epic battle that would have made for some good reading, if the author wasn't more concerned about ROBOT BUTTSEX.
Crow: She can't afford to be distracted.

>>"You traitor!" Hot Shot had snarled as he warped away.

Joel: Wait, was Starscream ever an Autobot? that doesn't make sense?

>>Deadpan, Starscream stood in the dust.

Tom: No emotion. None at all.

>>"Starscream..." Optimus extended a hand. Sympathy flashed in his golden optics. Him, all bright red and blue and perfect, willing to give his life for a dying soldier.

Crow: Aw, c'mon, don't drag Optimus Prime into this...

>>And in that moment his perfection set Starscream's teeth on edge. He shoved his wing blade forward an arm's length, putting distance between himself and the Autobot leader. "Don't. I'm not an Autobot. I don't belong with your kind."

Tom: Decepticons sit in the back o the bus.
Joel, Aw, Servo..

>>"He'll punish you."

Tom: Who, Megatron.
Joel: No, The Punisher.
Crow: Now, that would certainly make this fanfiction do a 360.

>>Starscream laughed so he wouldn't vomit.

Crow: (as Starscream) Punishment makes my tummy hurt.

>>"He'll punish me if I don't return with the Mini-Con."

Tom: He'll probably just rape me and pee on me again, as usual.

>>"I'm sorry. I can't hand it over." Optimus said coldly, his sympathy now hidden behind walls of rigid military training. He closed his fist around the glowing green tile. His form dissolved as he warped back to his base.

Joel: (as Optimus Prime) good bye, good luck getting raped by Megatron and everything.

>>What I'd give for a tall container of high grade right now, Starscream sneered.

Crow: Even robots can drown their sorrow in alcohol.

>>He slunk back to the moon base and trudged straight into Megatron's throne room. No point in delaying the inevitable. Without even looking he knew Megatron's eyes were glowing like twin embers.

Tom: No, his eyes are just on fire.

>>Starscream tried to empty himself of emotion. He imagined himself so hollow that he'd ring if struck. A walking, talking being with nothing inside to hurt or humiliate.

Crow: Sounds like a good strategy. Maybe we should do the same. (deadpan) I feel nothing.
Tom: (deadpan) Life is nothingness.
Joel: (deadpan) What is love?
Crow: BABY DON'T HURT ME, DON'T HURT ME, NO MORE!
Joel: See, that time the joke worked.

>>"You've failed me yet again, Starscream," Megatron hissed, "Care to explain why?"

Tom: (as Starscream) Because I secretly hate you?

>>He didn't dare mention he was distracted by his escape plans. Again, he told himself he was an empty shell, numb and lifeless. It did little to shrink the hot lump on his vocal processor that forced his voice a step higher than normal, "I might have succeeded if you sent someone to cover me!"

Joel: So much for being emotionless.
Crow: (as Megatron) Bitch, bitch, bitch, is that all you ever do?

>>From the side, Cyclonus snickered. A growl from Megatron stifled the rude laughter.

>>"Cyclonus, get out."

Crow: I'm piss.

>>"Aw, what'd I--"

>>"OUT!"

Tom: Shout it OUT! Get rid of those stains!

>>"Geez," the helicopter-bot muttered as he brushed past Starscream. "You're in trouble now."

Crow: (muted trumpet sound) Wah-wah-waaaahhhh...

>>Starscream flashed a rude Earth gesture at his oh-so-helpful comrade's retreating back.

Joel: I wonder which one it was.

>>He knew what it meant when Megatron ordered people out of the room.

Crow: IT'S RAPE O'CLOCK!

>>Megatron rose and swaggered forward, closing the distance between them. There was no point in running, fighting or hiding--it'd just anger him more. Starscream watched his crimson optics coming closer, swirling with disappointment and arousal. They were too beautiful to look away from. He made no sound as a rough hand clamped around his aft and yanked him forward--because empty things were voids, unfeeling--but he couldn't stop the tears. His coolant system ran in overdrive as he wicked the tears from his optics.

Joel: Obviously, I'm not an advanced enough lifeform to find this erotic at all.

"You had better not be crying."

Tom: (as Megatron) BOYS DON'T CRY, STARSCREAM, BOYS DON'T CRY.

>>"No, sir," Starscream said, and bit his bottom lip so it wouldn't betray him.

Crow: Too late for that.

>>"I certainly hope not. Tears are for the weak."

Tom: (as Megatron) You know what else is for the weak? Breathing.

>>Starscream forced himself to stop weeping and let Megatron have his way. Pushed against the wall, crushed in more ways than just physically, he stayed silent. He accepted the brutal kisses and painful caresses with the hope that one extra touch might send him over the edge.

Joel: WATCH OUT, HE'S GONNA REACH HIS LIMIT BREAK!

>>"You're quiet today." Megatron whispered.

Tom: (as Megatron) Who are you and what did you do with the real Starscream?

>>Starscream slipped his arms around his leader's waist and hid his face. He didn't know whether misguided affection or shame prompted the gesture, but Megatron did not discourage it.

>>"...too quiet."

Crow: Didn't see that one coming.

>>Afraid of further humiliation, Starscream made a few soft noises. Sex felt so good, Megatron was great all the way up to the point he pulled away. Lying back pleased Megatron, so Starscream did it when asked. Like a dog, he'd roll over and offer up his cone. At least this gave him worth in some form...albeit the most degrading one he knew.

Joel: You know, I'd like to read a story about robot dogs. That's be a nicer story than this.
Crow: Oh, totally.

>>He refocused on being empty. A shell of nothing. But all that open space just made more room for hate and pain to flow in, filling him like choking black engine sludge.

Tom: (singing) CRAAAAWWWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIN...

>>Megatron overloaded while hissing in Starscream's ear. Starscream felt a grin against his cheek--maybe--oh, he hoped...he was so close...

Crow: he's at the 10, the 5, HE'S ALMOST AT THE GOALPOST...

>>The other bot withdrew, taking all sensation and hope with him.

Crow: AND HE FUMBLES!

>>Starscream swallowed his pride

Tom: Among other things...
Joel: Ew.

>>and finished himself off without being told. The void he wanted to be abandoned him.

Crow: WHY WAS I PROGRAMMED TO FEEL PAIN?

>>"You are a disgrace to the Decepticon race. Time and time again you fail me, why? You can't even grab a Mini-Con without someone holding your hand! I invested so much time in you...time I could have spent reprogramming more worthy warriors."

Tom: (as Megatron) But it would probably be much harder to rape them.

>>"S-sir, I--"

>>"Stop making excuses for your failures. You've betrayed me once--I still smell Autobot fuel on you from that stunt

Joel: Oh no, he did sleep with Optimus Prime!
Crow: AAAUUUUUGGGHHH!

>>--and now you can't seem to do anything right these days. Consider yourself lucky that I still have use for you..." he closed his codpiece, pointedly, with a loud metallic click. "Even this doesn't keep you in line anymore. I'm running out of patience."

Tom: What would your mother think?

>>Not a word came from Starscream's lips. Everything Megatron said seeped into his being and melted his innards.

Joel: That can't be healthy.

>>Smirking, Megatron turned and walked back to his throne. He won and he knew it. "Now, pet, you had better shape up. And wipe that pathetic look off your face!"

Crow: And make me a sandwich, woman!

>>"Understood..." Starscream's fist clenched.

Crow: Among other things.

>>He gritted his teeth, You disgusting slag heap! I wish I could rip you to shreds! I'm tired of this!

Tom: So are we.

>>Then it was back to his quarters as if nothing happened. Life went on around him, nobody aware of the ugly, invisible marks Megatron left on his mind. He felt like he was screaming in a crowded room and nobody even glanced up to see why.

Joel: This is really deep, you guys.

>>In his quarters, Starscream looked at a large, black screen mounted on the wall. The left side had buttons in every color imaginable.

Crow: Like "gruple?"
Joel: "Gruple?"
Crow: Sure, it's like green and purple. Gruple.

>>Once upon a time,

Tom: In a castle, far, far away...

>>his holo-canvas brought him more freedom than ever. Now, it just reminded him of what Megatron took from him. He gazed at it and longed.

Joel: (sings) Some daaaayy, my prince will coooome...

>>Someday, Starscream, the voice whispered, You will be that free again.

Tom: You must fight the demons.
Crow: Hey, it's Cernel Joson!

>>Starscream turned. It was instinct to search for the sound even though he knew it only existed in his head.

Joel: Yeah, I think you might be crazy, Starscream.
Tom: Just a little.

>>"Is it time to go?"

>>Not yet. The Earth-moon system isn't close enough. I will contact you again in seven days.

Joel: Seven days!?
Crow: Gonna be a long seven days...

>>Starscream nodded and flopped down on his recharge birth.

Tom: On his what?

>>Being told to wait disappointed him--he wanted to see the face behind the voice.

Crow: What voice? It's in your head!

>>Rest, Starscream. It will all be over soon.

Joel: God, I hope so.

>>.o

>>Seven days took forever to pass. Starscream managed not to make a mistake large enough to warrant more of Megatron's "straightening out". He walked on eggshells around his leader, saying the nicest things possible just to dodge his temper.

Tom: When in doubt, brown nose.

>>Megatron assigned him to cleanup duties. Yet another degrading job, but Starscream did it without protest simply because it put the entire base between him and the source of his rage. He could've done without Leader One beeping instructions at him. Taking orders from a Mini-Con whose beeps and trills he didn't even understand...how insulting!

Joel: At least he's not peeing on you, geez.

>>Even worse, this was normally Leader One's job!

>>Grr...but better this than Megatron in my face.

Crow: Or Megatron's pee in your face.

>>Starscream had just emptied a month's worth of used lubricant when he heard it:

Tom: Speaking of pee...

>>It is time.

Joel: ... to live up to my family name and face FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES.
Crow: I would much rather be reading that than this.

>>The voice held a seriousness that demanded a timely reaction.

Tom: (as The Voice) Hurry up, I don't have all day.

>>"I'll get ready."

Crow: Great! I'll go grab my stuff!

>>Rations were in order--he didn't know how long he'd be gone and wasn't sure if his new friend carried energon. Better to be prepared than stuck hungry. He waited for Leader One to go back inside. Then he snuck into the base, skirted the security system and slipped into the supply bunker like a living red shadow. Anticipation left his circuits tingling.

Tom: Oh, great, not this again...

>>"Hey, Starscream!"

Crow: HEY, MISTER WILSON!

>>Dammit! Starscream tightened his fists. Of all the people in the base, this one was the most likely to tattle and spoil his plans. He cringed inwardly, cursing fate. Just walk on by. Don't ask questions, just grab a rust cookie and get out. Just--

Tom: "Rust cookie"?
Joel: Okay, that's just reaching.
Crow: He could at least have some delicious RAM chips.

>>Demolishor's footsteps approached. "What'cha up to?"

Tom: (as Demolisher) I'm here to inadvertently ruin your escape!

>>Damndamndamndamn! "Nothing you need to be concerned about," Starscream groused at the large orange and yellow Decepticon hovering over his shoulder. He tried to stay calm and look like he was supposed to be there.

>>"Oh, c'mon--"

>>He rounded on Demolishor and glared into his mismatched absinthe-green optics. "I'm going away for a while. That's all you need to know."

Crow: (as demolisher) Are you going to heaven?

>>The tank grinned, "Going...or running off like a sissy?"

Tom: Uh-ooohhhh...

>>Starscream didn't bother giving an answer. Demolishor's glowing eyes flared. He stayed planted in Starscream's path, his expression glib in the gloomy light.

Joel: This isn't going to be another sex scene, is it?

>>"Take a holo-photo, it'll last longer." Stupid ogre. Starscream slid the last energon packet into a panel on his side. "Don't follow me."

Tom: Holo-photo! get it? because they're an advanced race of robots with sophisticated technology! HA HA HA HA!

>>"Starscream--"

Crow: (as Demolisher) Could you tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story?

"Are you deaf, or just stupid?"

Tom: (as Demolisher) Ah DUUUUURRRRRR!

>>"Hey!" Demolishor's lips pulled off his huge, flat teeth, "You're up to something, aren't you? I knew it!"

Crow: (as the Voice) He knows. you must kill him.

>>"Shut UP!" Starscream's patience wore thinner than a microchip. He reached into Cyclonus' secret energon stash, snagged two cubes and ate them quickly. He didn't actually need to eat right then--but he had a long trip and the extra food offered the energy boost he needed. "Where's Megatron right now?"

>>Demolishor frowned. Up until then he'd been poised to drag Starscream into the brig. "He's recharging."

>>Perfect.

Tom: Again, JUST AS PLANNED.

>>"Starscream?"

Joel: (as Demolisher) I love you, Starscream.

>>Would that idiot tank ever give up? For all Starscream knew, his mysterious new friend may not wait around. He had to get out now.

Crow: (As Starscream) The voices in my head ain't got all day, pal!

>>"It's a covert operation, okay? Now get out of my way."

>>"Hold on...what? You? Covert operation? HA!" Demolishor snorted in laughter. "How come I'm not in on it?"

Joel: Man, this scene is just dragging on and on...

>>"Because you're too loud. Now MOVE."

>>Demolishor moved aside, still laughing his servos off.

Tom: LMSO!

>>Starscream felt the other mech's optics on him as he cast himself into the shadows. He ignored it the best he could. Let the idiot stare, he told himself, he doesn't know anything. He's too ugly to understand.

Joel: Wow, i had no idea that ugliness was directly proportional to your comprehensive ability.
Crow: You learn something new every day, Joel.

>>Bitterness welled up in the back of his throat like a stinging poison.

Tom: Throat? I mean, fuel intake valve.

>>He never felt more alone than in that moment. All these years of humiliation with no outlet. His only comfort came from knowing he'd soon make Megatron feel lower than dirt. He'd draw his pride out, piss on it

Crow: HA!

>>and stomp it into the ground! Megatron might kill him for it. His life could end seconds after his triumph. But at least he'd die with the last word, the last laugh, the last victory.

Tom: The Last Stand.
Joel: The Last Straw.
Crow: The Last Unicorn.
Tom: The Last of the Mohicans.
Joel: The Last Man on Earth.
Crow: The Last Cookie in the Cookie Jar.

>>Resolved, Starscream sprinted down the corridor and punched the coordinates into the warp gate. Sideways walked in just before he finished the entry.

Joel: Man, he's never going to get out of there.

>>"You know, you could get in big trouble for unauthorized warps," purred the purple mech.

Tom: Is this going to lead to more rape?
Joel: I don't know, it's sort of a bad sign if the robots start purring.
Crow: Purrrrrrrrr...
Joel: D'YAH!
Crow: Ha ha, I kid.

>>Damn! "I was just--"

>>"Relax." Sideways' eyes tilted in a smarmy, mouth-less smile.

Tom: How do you smile without a mouth?

>>"The warp gate is going to have an unfortunate glitch and fail to log your coordinates."

>>Starscream could've kissed him.

Crow: Please, don't.

>>He grinned wickedly instead and hopped up onto the warp pad. Sometimes Sideways annoyed him...but the slimy mech had his uses.

Tom: Apparently so...

>>Facing forward, Starscream watched a hologram showing stars drop like a curtain across the warp pad. The anticipatory tingle in his fingertips urged his hands into fists. Sideways seemed to take forever.

Joel: C'MON, HURRY UP ALREADY, THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!

>>The gate activated.

>>Sideways gave a mock salute.

Crow: HEIL MEGATRON!

>>Starscream uttered a silent prayer as his body slowly pixilated its way into the unknown.

Joel: Into... the Twilight Zone.

>>.o

>>The journey took Starscream through a series of small gate stations strung in the emptiness like stair steps. The last gate dropped him off barely a hundred miles shy of his destination. He transformed and crossed it in a mere hour.

Tom: A hundred miles a hour seems kind of slow for a F-15 Eagle. Then again, what do i know about planes?

>>Starscream found himself several thousand miles above the ecliptic plane. Far enough that the sun was just another lonely star floating in space, the cosmic center around which nine other worlds twirled like colored baubles.

Crow: Joel, can F-15s fly in space?
Joel: I don't know, let's ask Dr. Science.

>>But where was his mysterious companion?

Tom: IN YOUR HEAD THE WHOLE TIME!

>>"Okay! I'm here! Hello?"

Cow: Is anybody in there? Just nod if you can here me.

>>Starscream unfolded into his bot mode. Hello? Is anyone there? Light from the sun barely reached this far. It took him a moment to register the glorious river of stars marking the galactic hub. Starscream gazed at them for a moment, admiring them...and then he remembered his reason for being here.

>>No one appeared.

>>He'd been stood up.

Crow: HA HA!

>>It had been too good to be true. Now he had to slink back to the moon and lose another piece of himself.

Tom: This time it would be up the fuselage.

>>"Great...I knew it! I've been tricked! I'm dead...I'm dead..."

Crow: In space, no one can hear you whine.

>>Rage clouded his senses so completely that he paid no attention to the results of his latest sensor sweep until the massive object was almost upon him.

Joel: Jeez, how do you NOT pay attention to that?
Tom: He's too busy feeling sorry for himself.

>>Far too late to react or escape.

>>Shit...

Crow: JUST KILL HIM AND GET IT OVER WITH!

>>A force gripped Starscream like the phantom hand around his head.

Crow: Which head?
Joel: I'm not even going to say anything.

>>He gave a startled cry and struggled against the invisible grasp. Stupid! You should've--

Tom: Should've... should've what?!

>>The Seeker hurtled backwards like metal to a magnet. Then he was turned completely around to face a colossal, glowing round maw framed by two menacing pincers. He put a hand up to shield his eyes and better see his attacker. The jagged "mouth" filled his entire visual field.

Crow: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

>>"What the...?" It's HUGE!

Joel: He means his mouth, right?
Crow: Now it's my turn to be disgusted.

>>A familiar voice replied, I'm the one who called you here, Starscream.

>>"Wh-who...what...are you?" Starscream asked, wide-eyed.

Tom: I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD.
Crow: Uh-oh, he's screwed now.

>>I...am Unicron.

Joel: Unicorn?
Crow: No, Unicron!
Tom: He was voiced Orson Welles in the first movie. It was the last role he ever did, too. Now I can't unhear it.

PART THREE HERE, DERP.

MiST: Not Just a Light Fog Anymore

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 03:24:11 GMT

Ambrosia

By Cindy

MiSTed by SeaweedPrincess without premission.

All Lulz reserved.

(Theater Opening Sequence. Enter Joel, Tom Servo and Crow)

Tom: Okay, so, what do we got today?
Joel: Some Transformers fan fiction.
Crow: Oh good, robots! Something we can relate to!

>>Ambrosia

>>by Cyndi

Joel: Oh, so it's going to be about... salad?

>>This fic is Armadaverse and contains UnicronxStarscream SLASH. I portray Transformers as being more open about sex than humans(and there is a LOT of sex in this story). The tale diverts from canon--pasts are different and that is all I'll say--so canon purists may not like this. To those who enjoy dives into the very souls of the characters you're about to follow...let me just say that I gave myself completely to this journey through the most unlikely love between a god and a mortal. I hope those who stay to read are as swept away as I was while writing.

Crow: That's it, I'm out of here.
Joel: Oh, no. Oh, no... this is going to hurt.
Tom: NOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO!

>>Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy the ride.

Crow: THE THEATER'S LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE! WE'RE TRAPPED!
Tom: WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHY!
Joel: Looks like we've got no choice but to tough it out. We handled that LittleCloud story, we can handle this, right?
Tom: *sniff* I guess...

>>.o

>>Ambrosia

>>.o

>>The throne broke his fall.

Tom: Well, that's an interesting opening line.

>>Primus bless it, that thing always broke his fall.

Joel: It's a fall-breaking throne, I guess. It's what it's for.

>>A sliver of sunlight shone through a crack in the metal ceiling. It cast light across two orange optics and a troubled visage. The owner of the troubled face remained on his knees, his pale cheek resting on the seat.

Crow: Okay, I think I get it now. The throne is a toilet, and the robot was partying all night, and had just thrown up. And the "breaking his fall" was a metaphor for... ah, forget it. We're screwed.

>>Rough hands lifted him by his narrow waist, spun him around and dropped him unceremoniously to sit. Red and purple tangled in the sun's glow, agitating the moon dust that formed a film on every motionless surface.

Tom: They're on the moon?
Joel: You know how the moon gets so much sunshine.
Crow: Gay robot sex on the moon. Kill me now, Joel.

>>"Ungh..."

Tom: That was fast.

"What's the matter, Starscream?" a distorted figure bent down to stare into his optics. Full silver-gray lips twitched into a mocking grin, "I thought you wanted to sit there."

Joel: You know, I can't say I've ever thought about robot lips before I read that sentence.
Crow: What about Gypsy? She's got pretty big lips.
Joel: Oh yeah, she does, doesn't she.

>>Preferably without you here, Megatron, thought Starscream, though he wisely kept his mouth shut.

Tom: Megatron is prone to raping anybody that gives him lip.
Crow: Ew.

>>"Where did you fail this time?"

Joel: (as Starscream) My math test, but only because my teacher hates me!

>>Grimacing, Starscream avoided his leader's gaze. "I took too long to answer your request for a meeting."

Crow: (as Starscream) I was trying to avoid the vicious rape and all.

>>"Five minutes, to be exact." Megatron growled, "I loathe tardiness."

Joel: You know what else I loathe? Loathing.

>>Searing tension dribbled through Starscream's frame like acid on his glossa.

Tom: On his "glossa"?
Joel: Don't act so surprised, you have glossa too.
Tom: I do?
Joel: I think you do...

>>He was late because Megatron ordered him to feed the Mini-Cons their rations--and then called him while he was in the middle of it. If he left the task unfinished, he was disciplined. Finishing made him late--and now he was being disciplined for tardiness.

Crow: Jeez, Megatron, that's what you get for calling a robot to do something in a middle of a task, you jerk.
Joel: Wait a minute, but you guys never do anything I ask you to.
Tom: We're bitter because we can't turn into cars.

>>The unfairness of it enraged him.

Tom: (as Starscream) I'm going to my room! You guys don't understand me!

>>Megatron straightened to his full height, the shadows of his silver antler-like antennae and dark gray shoulder treads framing Starscream's face like the jaws of an alien beast. Light glinted menacingly off his purple and silver body, and his red optics flared.

Crow: Rape initiating in 3... 2... 1...

>>It was Megatron's respect that Starscream coveted. He went out of his way--obeyed orders, practiced, focused--trying with all the fire in his Spark to be the perfect soldier. Something always went wrong, or Megatron made something go wrong. Everyone noticed when he failed, nobody said a word to his successes. He was an invisible being whose mistakes revealed him.

Joel: This pretty much sums up Starscream's whole existence right there.
Tom: So basically, Megatron is making Starscream's life a living hell in order to make him a better soldier?
Crow: Tough love, Tom. Tough love.

>>Starscream found it a tiring existence. Why was he here? Why did he join this army? Why did he leave his old life?

Tom: Why was he having an existential crisis in the middle of a slash fanfiction?

>>He let his optics lose focus, dreaming consciously of himself in the past, an artist bringing forth a blue figure--an incomplete piece. His image reached one hand towards the stars, but its other arm stretched forward, awkward, empty and purposeless. Freedom was its name. His old self, unfinished, a question life never answered.

Joel: Starscream, the sensitive, artistic Decepticon.

>>What is freedom? Starscream asked himself.

Joel: (as Bill Cosby) Well, you, see, freedom is sort of like Jell-O Pudd-
Crow: WHAT IS FREEDOM? BABY, DON'T HURT ME. DON'T HURT ME, NO MORE.
Joel: Ah, Crow, you ruined my joke. Don't do that.

>>"Don't bother dreaming of that life. You belong to me." Megatron's voice whispered in his audio sensor.

Tom: Next time on Sexual Harrassment Robots...

>>Oh, to see Megatron squirm beneath him...Starscream fantasized about it every day. I'll plug him until he shuts the hell--

Joel: Up?
Crow: Yeah, keep dreaming, Starscream. Everybody knows you're a wuss.
Tom: "Plugging him." This is absolutely filthy.

>>"...but you never will." Megatron hissed as if he'd heard Starscream's thoughts. "Isn't that right, my little whore? I decide when I overload."

Tom: Oh, my beautiful liar. Oh, my precious whore...
Joel: This is getting really creepy.
Crow: I don't know about you guys, but my sensors are starting to overload...

>>His silvery lips twisted in a fanged grin.

Joel: Robots have fangs?
Tom: I'm pretty sure Grimlock had fangs, but he was a dinosaur robot.

>>He slammed his knee down between Starscream's legs, spreading them open. Then he pinned Starscream's wrists to the arms of the throne.

Tom: Rape: it's like saying "hello" in Japan.
Crow: Nnnghh, Joel, I feel funny.
Joel: Stay frosty, Crow, don't let it get to you.

>>Starscream felt his circuits heating up against his will.

Crow: Heh, I know EXACTLY how that feels.
Tom: Weirdo.

>>Megatron bent down and ghosted

Joel: "Ghosted"? Is that a word?
Tom: Verbing weirds language, Joel.

>>his lips across Starscream's smooth cheek. When he came to his mouth, he plunged his tongue inside. Oh, Megatron could probably kiss like no other if he did it gently, which of course he never did. Starscream endured the brutal sucking and biting and the smooth tongue scraping against his teeth. Fighting back was pointless. Megatron didn't like that anyway, he liked his toys to be compliant.

Joel: OH WOW.
Crow: Stupid sexy Megatron.
Tom: Think of Kim Cattrall, Crow! Get it out of your head!
Crow: Okay... Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall, Kim Cattrall... Whew! Thanks, I feel better now.

>>Dimming his optics, Starscream relaxed. It hurt less that way.

Joel: Just spread your legs and think of Cybertron.

>>The hands pinning his wrists to the throne moved and dug into his sides like hooks. He didn't dare move other than to plant his elbows so he wouldn't slide down in the seat. Megatron wrapped his fingers around the nose cone between Starscream's legs. Starscream stiffened and moaned hoarsely. The sensors there connected directly to his Spark chamber. From there he could uplink with anyone for sexual pleasure if he so chose--and it was one of Megatron's favorite parts to abuse.

Crow: Just so you know, when I'm reading this, I read "Starscream" as Kim "Cattrall" and "Megatron" as "Crow T. Robot."
Joel: Whatever makes you comfortable, I guess.
Tom: Wow, this is some pretty racy stuff, you guys... heh...

>>"Your cone is warm today," purred Megatron with mock affection. "Anticipating me?"

Crow: Is your nose cone warm, or are you just happy to see me?

>>Those icy, sharp fingers stroked up and down the cone's length, robbing Starscream of coherent thought. Out of pure instinct he arched into the touch while simultaneously hating his own weakness. He saw Megatron touching his own codpiece with his other hand. Fumbling until it tilted open to expose his most sensitive sensor wires. Starscream felt Megatron's hands lift his aft off the throne. The open chamber slid around his cone. Sharp wires split the end of his cone open at the seam. He grunted and grimaced, painfully conscious of Megatron watching his face.

Tom: Stupid sexy Megatron.
Joel: Oh no, not you too, Tom.
Crow: SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN!

>>"I thought you wanted me," Megatron said into Starscream's audio sensors. "You do, don't you?"

>>"Y-yes--b-but--"

Joel: (as Starscream) This is all just happening so... fast...

>>"But nothing!" Megatron cut him off with another savage kiss. At the same time his uplink chamber buzzed from the contact with Starscream's internals. Starscream heard his master purring in pleasure. He loved that purr, he loved that voice and he loved hearing Megatron overload. Being violated seemed worth it just to watch it happen, even if his only contribution was to lie there while Megatron did his thing.

Tom: Joel, being the primitive human fleshbag that you are, I don't think you'll fully be able to understand the inherent erotic factor that this fanfiction presents to those of the robotic persuasion.
Joel: Look, I understand young bots like yourselves like to... experiment as far as this sort of thing goes... and that's perfectly acceptable. I will not judge either of you.
Crow: I might judge tom, though. Is that okay?
Joel. No.

>>"Ohh, it pains me to do this to you...I wouldn't have to straighten you out if you simply stopped failing me at every turn...what did you do wrong, pet?"

Joel: (as Megatron) Bad, bad robot! We don't lubricate on the carpet!

>>"I--" Starscream flinched, "--was late."

Tom: (as Starscream) And now, I'm pregnant. With your child.
Crow: I've actually seen pictures of Optimus Prime pregnant. I will never be able to unsee them.

>>"And why is that?"

>>"I took too long to hand out rations...but, s-sir! They swamped me! They...unh...hadn't taken any nourishment in almost a week! I--had to hand feed at least six! They're so small, they need energon more frequently than--"

>>Megatron backhanded him, painfully.

Joel: You talk too much.
Tom: He deserved that, really.

>>The Seeker turned his head away, grimacing. Arguing did nothing but draw out the torture. He hated himself for the words he extended to placate his leader, "I'm sorry, sir." Sorry that you're such a disgusting excuse of a Decepticon, he added silently. The reply burned around his Spark chamber, an explosion he swallowed along with his pride.

Crow: I'm feeling an explosion in my Spark chamber right now... OF RAGE!
Joel: You don't have a Spark chamber.
Crow: Oh, yeah.

>>Megatron had him trained so well--he fell for this trap every time. A habit worse than addiction, the destruction of his self confidence.

Tom: JUST AS PLANNED.

>>It was quick as usual. The tugging, zapping and pushing. Megatron's grunting and panting. He lifted Starscream off the throne and slammed him onto the floor, coming down hard on top of him to assert his dominance. Whimpering, Starscream turned his head to the side as his leader's shadow moved above him.

Crow: Robot quickies. Not a pretty sight.
Tom: I think I'm going to need a cold shower after this one, Joel.

>>"Mm, yesssss," Megatron licked his lips, "Who is your master?"

>>"You are." Starscream whispered. His throat ached with the urge to cry. It was an urge he suppressed.

>>The quiver in Megatron's voice betrayed his nearing overload. "I--can't hear you."

Tom: (singing) LITTLE BIT LOUDER NOW!

>>Familiar trembling fluttered through Starscream's cone area. Maybe, just this once, Megatron would let him overload too. He cried out, "YOU ARE!"

Crow: I OVERLOADED!
Joel: Ewwww, not in the theater.

>>"Call my name, pet," he panted. His face began losing its cold composure. Light gleamed off his teeth when his lips twitched away to reveal them.

>>"Megatron," cooed Starscream. He could feel his body's response turning inward, hot sparks shooting across his circuits. Desperate, he kept chanting his master's name, "Megatron...Megatron...ohh--Megatron!"

Tom: Just as a reminder, the author of this story says it's not porn.
Crow: The author of this work has obviously never been a robot.

>>Megatron lifted Starscream's shoulders off the floor and slammed him painfully down again. Starscream forced himself not to grunt. At this point any moans would be misconstrued as pleasure. Megatron would beat him for it later. His purpose wasn't to enjoy this--he was just a tool to be used and tossed back into the drawer like a human's vibrator.

Crow: Humans have vibrators? Do you have one, Joel?
Joel: No, and I am disgusted that you would ask such a thing, Crow!
Tom: I'll bet Dr. Forrester does.
Joel: Knock it off, both of you, right now!

>>So it has always been... Starscream mused to himself. An involuntary wince pinched his face. Megatron looked down at him with shadows and hunger in his eyes, a darkness that wrapped around him like a cloak. Starscream felt consumed by the furious void. Each time his leader took him, it felt like a little more of that vacuum slithered into his Spark. One day he'd be nothing but a husk--a metal shell for his ruthless leader to use as he pleased.

Joel: Is this some sort of robot social commentary?
Tom: No, this is the robot equivalent of a paperback romance novel with Fabio on the cover.

>>At last Megatron arched his back and released a growling moan. Damn him, why did he have to look and sound so sexy?

Crow: personally, when I think "sexy", I do not think Starscream.
Tom: Now, that Elita One, she's a cutie. Mrreeoowww...

>> Starscream felt his leader's overload thrumming through his body. He himself came so close to orgasm. Just three more seconds...he felt the first throbs in his loins--

Joel: Robots have loins?
Tom: I don't, i just have a hoverskirt.

>>And Megatron disconnected from him, stumbling over to sit on his throne. Slivers of sunlight shone through cracks in the ceiling.

Crow: Deja vu.

>>He leaned his head back with a smarmy, satisfied smirk present on his silver face. The sun turned his optics into hellfire behind glass.

Tom: (as Megatron) Man, that was some good rapin'.

>>Starscream still lay sprawled on his back, cone open, his circuits burning for release.

Joel: Every day, 72 robots are savagely raped and abused. This is the story of one of them.

>>Megatron watched him and chuckled. "What's the matter, Starscream? You seem...tense...did I forget to finish you again? Tch, tch, tch, how neglectful of me."

>>Starscream rolled to his knees. He looked up at his leader with hungry eyes. "Muh-Megatron..."

Tom: (singing) HUN-GRY EYEEEESS..

>>"It's not my fault you're too slow." Megatron reached down and lifted Starscream's chin with one finger, "Take care of it yourself," he threw the Seeker down like refuse, "and make it entertaining this time."

Joel: Talk about degradation.

>>Humiliation made Starscream's face burn. Megatron liked to watch him masturbate.

Crow: Ceiling Megatron is watching you masturbate.

>>It was an insult to Starscream's pride. Well, it wasn't his fault he was slow to complete an overload! Megatron moved too fast! Starscream never voiced this. The one time he did, he woke up two weeks later in the medical bay and still had no memory of what happened.

Tom: The only thing he remembered was that he woke up in a bathtub full of coolant and his waste refuse pockets were missing.
Joel: This story is totally about pure robot love, all right.

>>Starscream sat up and rubbed a hand down his own red cockpit.

Crow: Heh, you said "cockpit."

>>Tremors raced up his chassis. He rose to his feet, slowly, and avoided Megatron's gaze. The graceful movements of his hips and body were an echo from the past. He sorely missed those blinding white days where he surrounded himself in ribbons of color and imagination.

Joel: Huh?
Tom: Robots on drugs aren't a pretty sight, either.

>>Starscream leaned against the wall and imagined his hands were Megatron's.

Joel: Sorry, that technique never works.

>>Bending his knees, he dipped and arched his back. He caressed his own lips, his shoulder nozzles and finally slid one finger into his open cone. Ohh, the pleasure, he couldn't resist the faint cry he wrenched from his own throat.

Tom: Hey, Crow, your face looks kid of like a cone. Have you tried rubbing it?
Crow: I can't say that I have.
Joel: Well, don't do it in here, okay? Just do it in you room, jeez...

>>This is so degrading! he thought. But he had to finish himself off or he'd overheat. He found it easier if he pretended Megatron wasn't staring at him. In a moment his body picked up where Megatron left off and the sensation overrode his embarrassment. He plunged two fingers into his cone and sent a charge to his own circuitry. It created a feedback loop that mimicked the vibrations of another Cybertronian. Up and in his digits went, flicking his inner sweet spot. He couldn't resist extending his tongue to taste his own lips as he wobbled on the razor's edge between pleasure and shame.

Tom: Wait a second, this isn't gay! Starscream has a vagina!
Crow: Tell me something I don't know.
Joel: Oh, wow.

>>Such was his life. To only bring himself to overload, never to feel it pressed against another body. His optics spied a dust mote floating near one of the harsh overhead lights. Oh, how he envied that dust and its freedom to roam unnoticed wherever the air blew it.

Crow: You know, I wish I was dust too. I wouldn't have to be reading this.

>>Freedom--he longed for it. He prayed, begged and hoped. Fate answered with this life, this moment, this instant where his body and mind separated in a swollen fireball of shame.

Tom: I think we're all a little ashamed by this.

>>"Ohhh...oh--OH!" Starscream felt the orgasm rip across his body. He arched his back and lived up to his name. Try as he might he could never stay silent when he climaxed. Usually he disconnected his vocal tract when he masturbated alone. Nobody ever heard his shame. But Megatron got to hear it today. He liked hearing it.

Crow: I'll bet he did... ha ha ha, KILL ME.

>>"Ooh...mmh...ahhhh," Starscream felt the loop equalize and his overload trickled away. He slumped to kneel against the wall, his dimmed orange optics gazing into nothingness. Even the dust he saw before had abandoned him.

Joel: Aw, nobody likes Starscream. Not even dust.

>>Megatron sat with his cheek propped on his fist, smirking. Starscream's optics lagged slightly, missing the moment when Megatron got up and approached him.

Tom: Uh-oh.

>>"I so enjoy watching you dance, my pet," he said, running his tongue over his front teeth to remove an imagined imperfection.

Joel: (as Megatron) Sorry, had some spinach in my teeth.

>>Go fuck yourself, Starscream wanted to say, but again he stayed silent.

Crow: Ha ha! that's what you just did, Starscream! You loser!

>>Megatron wasn't done tossing out insults yet.

Tom: No, the mockery has just begun!

>>No, he still had one left. He planted one foot on Starscream's shoulder, forcing him to sit up against the wall. Then he pulled the cap off the top of his codpiece and pissed old lubricant all over Starscream's face, grunting like it gave him great relief. Like all living things, Cybertronians had bodily wastes to dispose of. Usually they urinated into containers and the used lubricant was filtered and reused.

Crow: Robot watersports. Also not a pretty sight.
Tom: That's it, THAT IS IT. I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS FAN FICTION.
Joel: I feel like I would find this a whole lot funnier if I was drunk. Actually...

>>Starscream sputtered at the bitter, cloudy liquid splashing all over his face. Emptiness opened inside his mind, clawing his consciousness. Megatron was reminding him that he was nothing more than an object. Something to be used, put away and eventually thrown out when it outlived its usefulness. His bottom lip trembled. He secretly blessed the liquid for concealing the mech-fluid tears escaping his optics.

Tom: And the world's tiniest violin plays the world's saddest song and... Joel, what are you doing?
Joel: (drinking from a bottle) What? I'm taking my, uh, medicine...
Crow: I'm pretty sure Wild Turkey is not medicine.

>>Megatron closed his codpiece and glared, "Are you too pathetic to fight back?"

Tom: Yes. yes, he is.

>>Not a word passed between Starscream's lips. Why bother with a response? It'd just give Megatron more ammunition to humiliate him.

Joel: To be honest, that's not really that hard to do.

>>"You know...this wouldn't be necessary if you stopped making me question your loyalty. You're always falling just short of my expectations." he chuckled, "But what more do I expect? Well?"

Crow: (as megatron) Because peeing on you will make you more loyal, right?

>>"I-I'm sorry, sir!" Starscream choked out over the lump in his throat.

Tom: That's no lump.
Joel. OH GOD. (takes another swig.)

>>He looked up at Megatron and winced under his heated glare. Oh how he wished he had the strength to bury his fist in that mech's face.

Crow: And/or butt.

>>"You're sorry all right. A sorry excuse of a warrior."

Tom: OH NO HE DIDN'T!

>>Starscream's anger boiled, and still he remained mute.

>>Megatron squatted down to eye level. He didn't touch Starscream--of course he wouldn't, not after he'd covered him in bot urine--and smiled almost gently. A mocking grin full of dagger fangs and faux sympathy. "I know you want my love. Want is all you'll ever do in this life. It's all you deserve, you failure. Now, chin up. Maybe one day you will do something that actually impresses me."

Crow: Like juggling flaming chainsaws.
Joel: I'd pay money to see that.

>>Every single word made Starscream feel like a subatomic particle.

Joel: Those are really small, by the way. (hiccups)
Tom: Can i have some of that?
Joel: Maybe when you're older.

>>The pain in his throat migrated to his optics. He longed to melt through the floor and vanish. Simultaneously, he wished the ceiling would mysteriously collapse and crush Megatron into slag.

Crow: Is is me, or had the story turned into every description of an embarrassed teenager ever?

>>Growling, he bravely wiped his face and flicked the fluids across Megatron's feet.

Tom: I flick your pee at you!

>>The response was immediate. Starscream never saw the movement--one second he was sitting and the next found him kicked into another wall. Static crackled in his audio sensors. His leader gave his most poisonous glare, a look promising torture and death.

Joel: Later, Megatron would claim Starscream's injuries came from "falling down the stairs."

>>"One of these days...one of these days I will stop caring enough to keep you alive. When that day comes, pray to Primus that I do it quick."

Crow: One of these days, Alice, one of these days!

>>Starscream wisely stayed where he fell as Megatron stomped past him to reach the door. Then, and only then, did he give in and let his tears escape. He thanked the stars he held them in this long. Tears always came easily to Starscream--he just learned how to shut off their outflow valves so they flowed into his coolant system. It soon became habit and after awhile nobody paid any mind to how his lips sometimes quivered after he left Megatron's presence.

Crow: BAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!
Tom: You gonna cry, baby? Huh? You gonna cry?

>>He glanced up a few times. It felt like eyes were on him, eyes he couldn't see. This had been happening to him for as long as he could remember--like tasting a shadow or hearing a star flicker--there but not really there. The sensation faded and he hung his head once again.

Tom: And then the voices commanded him to kill...

>>After he regained control of himself, Starscream got to his feet and walked with purpose past Megatron's throne. He paid no heed to the purple and silver shape of Sideways leaning casually on the wall opposite of the door.

>>"Starscream."

>>The Seeker paused without turning.

>>"Rough day?"

Joel: I think that was supposed to be a joke.

>>"Go to hell!" growled Starscream. He leaned against the wall, a hand over his face, "Take Megatron with you on the way, too. That would make my life a lot better."

Tom: You have to hand it to the author, at least she writes Starscream in character.

>>Sideways shifted and his purple optics gained a knowing gleam. "Starscream, hey..."

>>"What now?" Didn't Sideways see that he wanted to just wallow in his misery for one more minute before he cleaned up?

>>"Keep your mind open."

>>"Huh?"

>>"You'll see."

>>Without another word, Sideways turned and strolled away.

Tom: well, that exchange made no sense at all.
Joel: Foreshadowing, maybe?
Crow: Hey, I think the theater door just opened up...
Tom: FREEDOM! SWEET FREEDOM! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!
(Joel, Tom, and Crow exit the theater)

(Exit door sequence)

(SoL Bridge: Joel, Tom Servo, crow and Gypsy are assembled in front of Cambot)

Joel: Well, after reading this fanfiction, guys, it occurred to me that we have an entire, untapped market as far as romance novels go.
Crow: Uh, rodeo clowns?
Joel: No, you silly goose... Robots! Obviously, as demonstrated by this story, robots are just as much of sensitive, sexual beings as any human, so therefore it makes sense that the loneliest of robot have their own fantasies to vicariously live out through an avatar in a dimestore romance novel. So, as a project, we all brainstormed and came up with some ideas, about what our romance novel fanfictions featuring famous, under-appreciated robots would be like. Tom, would you like to go first?
Tom: Gladly!

(Tom holds up his book)

Tom; My fanfiction would be called "Let Them Have Cake," and it would center around the possible perceived romantic tension between GLaDOS and Chell in the game "Portal," where GLaDOS' attempt to murder Chell are, in reality, rooted deeply in love. It's a stirring, heart-breaking look at life in Aperture Science, and delicious cake.
Joel: That's very good, Tom, what about you, Crow?

(Crow holds up his book)

Crow: Well, Joel, I decided to go a somewhat different route, and decided to propose the idea, "Love Does Not Compute," which is a Lost in Space fanfiction, between Will Robinson and The Robot, who I have decided to name, "GUNTER." GUNTER, of course, feels an unnatural lust to a totally 18-year-old and legal Will Robinson, and starts to malfunction, and it eventually get so bad that Kevin has to be put down like Ole' Yeller. It's a little scattered right now, but I think I can make it work.
Joel: Okay, that's kind of weird, but okay. Ah, Gypsy, What's your fanfiction about?

(Gypsy dumps a book from her mouth, and Joel holds it up for Cambot)

Gypsy: My book is called, "Richard Basehart and Gypsy Get Married." I think.. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.
Crow: Aw, Gypsy, that's just dumb.
Gypsy: NO, YOU'RE DUMB!
Joel: All right, all right, let's all settle down. Gypsy's story is just as good as any of yours.
Tom: BUT IT'S SUCH A BLATANT SELF-INSERTION, JOEL!
Joel: Look, let's not fight, okay? This fanfiction seems to have everybody on edge.
Crow: I'M NOT ON EGDE! YOU'RE ON THE EDGE! EVERYBODY ELSE IS ON THE EDGE! ARRRRRGGGHHHH!

(Movie sign flashes)

Joel: OH WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!

MiSTer's Note: This thing is so fucking huge, i'm splitting it into two parts. Part two will be up shortly. because, of course, you're just DYING to read the rest of this, amirite?

~SeaweedPrincess

PART TWO HERE, DAWG.

I Can Write Fan Fiction Too, You Know

Fri, 16 May 2008 03:25:54 GMT

WARNING: This fan fiction is not appropriate for readers under 18 years of age, or any scientologists, for that matter. That being said, make sure David Miscavige sees this shit. For great justice.

"This is incredible... It's the best birthday ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, and I mean ever!" Tom Cruise gushed, as his fellow Scientologists applauded and cheered him. It really was his best birthday ever, here upon the Church's flagship, the Freewinds, hosted by his best friend, Scientology leader David Miscavige, who was standing nearby. Tom embraced David, ever gracious of the special treatment he had always received. Tom didn't really think anything of it, at first. He figured, for the most part, his VIP treatment was due to his status as a celebrity, and an influential member of the Church. They gave him the IAS Freedom Medal of Valor award since he had reached so many people, because he was the biggest celebrity in the world, even if he never signed a billion year contract with the Sea Org or anything so pedestrian as that. He was a star. He deserved star treatment.

Though, Tom didn't know the real reason that David pampered him so much.

The celebrations soon died down, and the mingling started. Scientologists were talking amongst themselves about their audtiing levels, ascending further up the bridge and how well the war against the psyches was going. Tom and David were leaning against the wall, talking and laughing.

"And then I was doing a barrel roll over Gold Base, man, it was awesome, just AWESOME!" Tom said to David, before David held up his hand to cut him off.

"Tom, there's been something I've been meaning to tell you. Can we go somewhere a little bit more... private?" David asked, looking up to Tom, a deadly seriousness reflecting in his hard, blue eyes.

"Sure," said Tom, flashing his million-watt smile. "Lead the way, man."

David walked back towards the cabins, leading Tom further and further into the depths of the ship. Finally, he stopped in front of a cabin door, and warily opened it, then stepped back to allow the Hollywood star in first. Tom nodded, and entered the room. David quietly and discreetly closed the door behind them.

"What's on your mind, man?" Tom asked. "Is this SP business?"

"No, this is more serious than that." David said. "This is about some top secret writings from LRH."

Tom was slightly taken aback. "What? What do you mean? Is this about OT IX?"

"Sort of." Said David, looking uncomfortable. "But more accurately, it's about a prophecy made by LRH himself."

Tom's eyes went wide with amazement. "Oh, wow! Who else knows about this?"

"Nobody but me. Mary Sue knew, but she's been dead. So it will be between only me and you." David leaned in close to Tom, so close that their noses were barely an inch apart. "It was about you, Tom. And me."

"Well, what is it?" asked Tom. "Don't just leave me hanging."

David averted his gaze. "We must combine, Tom. We must combine in the closest of ways in order to clear the planet completely. LRH foretold your joining of Scientology shortly before he died. And he told me of what I must do to you in order to achieve our goal and save the world."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just what the hell do you mean?"

David suddenly reached up to Tom's neck and pulled him close, pressing his lips to those of the Hollywood Action Hero. Tom tried to pull away, but David maintained his grip, sliding his tongue into Tom's mouth. Tom finally managed to yank away from David, sputtering and reeling from shock. "WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE?" He spat. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

"I know it seems odd, Tom, but it's the only way. LRH himself commanded it."

"But I can't!" Tom protested. "I'm not gay! I swear!"

"Tom." David said sternly. "Either you're on board or you're not on board. And I need you to be on board with me on this. I don't like it either, but we've no choice."

Tom bit his lip, trying to hide the fact that secretly, he thought David was a pretty good kisser. "Are you sure L. Ron wanted this."

"It's the only way." David said. "Now, take off your clothes. We don't have much time."

There was a moment of hesitation. Tom fidgeted nervously. "All of them?"

"All of them." David echoed.

Reluctantly, Tom started to strip. casting wary glances at the Scientology leader. This was for the good of the planet, he thought. This was so the whole planet would eventually be clear. Just as he finished removing his underwear, he looked up to see David Miscavige with his pants pulled down, and his small penis fully exposed.

"Suck it, Tom." David said sternly.

"This is insane." Tom muttered, averting his gaze.

"For the good of the galaxy, Tom." David reminded him.

Tom awkwardly gripped David's penis with his forefingers and them, and started to suck on it. David groaned, and Tom managed to fit all of it in his mouth. He managed to get a steady rhythm going, as David started to support the back of his head to apply extra force. A trickle of precum seeped out of David's head, causing Tom to pull back and cough.

"Now, turn around." David said.

"Aw, no." Tom said. "Tom Cruise is nobody's bitch."

David's face grew red, and he promptly smacked the Top Gun star across the face. "BITCH, DO YOU WANNA REACH OT IX OR NOT? TURN AROUND."

"Yes, sir." Cruise apologized, his pride severely wounded, spreading his cheeks and thinking of L. Ron Hubbard.

David unceremoniously spat onto Tom Cruise's anus, and then stuck his fully erect, four inch penis past his sphincter. Tom gasped and grunted, then grit his teeth, trying to swallow the pain of being penetrated. David leaned his head back and moaned, grinding his pelvis against the ass of Tom Cruise. His penis never got far in enough to reach Tom's prostate, but David didn't much care. With each unwelcome thrust he sped up his rhythm, pounding his throbbing cock deeper and deeper into Tom's tight, warm colon. As David picked up his pace, groaning and sighing more and more, he reached for Tom's hair and yanked it, causing Tom to cry out in pain. This aroused David even further, relentlessly slamming into Cruise. For Tom, the experience was a mix of humiliation, embarrassment, and slight arousal, though he could never admit it to anyone.

As David pounded harder and harder, he grunted and wheezed, approaching climax as his lungs started to fail. Finally, he reached his orgasm, shooting a load of white, hot semen into the anus of one of Hollywood's most influential figures, and unable to scream because he was gasping for breath. David shuddered for a bit, then pulled himself out, staggering backwards and trying to catch his breath from yet another asthmatic attack. He backed himself into a wall, slowly regaining his breath, leaving a shocked and humiliated Tom Cruise bent over a cabin bed.

When David's breath finally returned to normal, he nonchallantly got dressed, and rummaged through the cabin's bathroom for a towel, which he tossed over to Tom. "Clean yourself up." David said. "And Happy Birthday."

Tom barely moved from where he was, feeling the thick semen slowly leaking from his anus, as shameful tears filled his eyes. He grabbed a pillow and muffled his cries of anguish so no one would ever hear.

Years later, everyone on that boat that day would die long, painful deaths of lung cancer due to the fatal levels of blue asbestos aboard the Freewinds.

The end.

MiSTed original Fiction? O Rly?

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 03:58:59 GMT

How It All Began

By AlexReynard

MiSTed by SeaweedPrincess without permission

All Lulz Reserved

(Theater opening sequence. Enter Joel, Tom Servo, and Crow.)

Joel: So, apparently they’re letting us read a story that isn’t a fan fiction this time.
Crow: Hooray! An original story!
Tom: Well, I wouldn’t go that far.

>>How It All Began
>>a history lesson by Alex Reynard
________________________________________

Joel: A history lesson, huh? Well, it’s been a while since high school, so I’ll bet.
Tom: First, there was nothing. Then, there was fan fiction.

>>THE FUTURE:
>>"Class, can anyone tell me how we took over the world?"
Crow: THE FUTURE SPEAKS.
Tom: So, who took over the world? The Nazis? The Visitors? Dr. Doom, maybe?
Joel: I’m betting Pinky and the Brain, if who’s writing this I any indication.

________________________________________

>>THE PRESENT:
Tom: … was underwear, which is all little Billy got for Christmas.

>>Huddled around the thick, bulletproof windows, eyes wide in fear and uncertainty, the furries watched the helicopters come.
Crow: Well, it’s about time somebody started bombing them! Hee hee!
Joel: Awww, Crow, c’mon, that’s not very nice. They’re people too, you know.
Crow: If they don’t think they are, then they don’t count. KILL THEM WITH FIRE!

>>They all knew who was inside those terrifying black metal nightmares,
Crow: Black metal nightmares? Oh, so like, Immortal, then!
Tom: Shouldn’t it be “who were?” One person can’t be in multiple helicopters.
>> hovering on the wind. They all knew this would be the first time in close to sixteen years a human being had set foot on their island.
Joel: Maybe if you hadn’t replaced the “Welcome” mat with a “Go to Hell” mat, they’d come over more often.
>>Sixteen years. And the hate still remained.
Crow: THERE WILL BE NO REST UNTIL THE RIVERS RUN RED WITH FURRY BLOOD.
Joel: What is with you, anyway?

>>The President himself was in one of those helicopters. And soldiers too.
Tom: And Piglet too!
>>But worst of all, they knew, were camera crews. Television had finally caught up to them.
Crow: Because obviously television had never been invented until this very moment.
________________________________________

>>THE PAST:
Joel: I do believe this story is being narrated by all three of the Christmas ghosts.
Tom: I don’t think so, Joel.

>>In the year 2446, the first legally-sanctioned animal/human hybrid was unveiled on television screens across the world.
Crow: You’d think by 2446, this would be broadcast across screen across the galaxy or something.
Tom: Then again, according to science fiction, we were supposed to be living like the Jetsons by now.
>> It became an event that people measured the rest of their lives against. 'I was in the kitchen doing dishes when my wife told me to come see the news.' 'I was working and happened to look up at the TV in the corner of the break room.' 'I was in the bathtub.'
Joel: I was passed out on the couch in a drunken stupor.
Tom: I was reorganizing my underwear.
Crow: I was washing the blood from my clothes.
(Tom and Joel look at Crow in shocked silence.)
Crow: Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

>>That iconic image, straight out of King Kong: a beast that stood like a man, shacked around its wrists and ankles, chained to a platform that would deliver electric shocks to the feet if it disobeyed.
Joel: Why is it chained? I mean, it’s the future, if they have to restrain it, then why not use a force field or something?
Tom: That’d be less dramatic.
>>Its tail twitched in defiance.
Crow: I TWITCH MY TAIL IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!
>>Camera flashes streaked across its cringing, inhuman face, the lips pulled back in a snarl. Of pain? Of contempt?
Tom: Of… love?
>>It was obvious to all that this creature did not enjoy being paraded naked in front of the massive horde of reporters crammed into the room that day.
Joel: For crying out loud, let the guy wear some pants! Have you people no decency?
>> That seemed to make it even more of a triumph for science; that man had not only created this fantastical storybook beast, but that he could also force it to bend to his will.
Tom: Man, scientists are such jerks.

>>The scientists, over a dozen, seemed to scramble over each other like lemmings to all get their turn in front of the microphones.
Joel: Actually, lemmings don’t run and push each other off of cliffs on purpose, the filming crew for that documentary pretty much threw them off of cliffs.
Crow: I did not know that.
Joel: Yeah, a lot of people don’t, that’s why the analogy still exists.
>>They explained all the clever little details. How the transformation matrix had been reduced to a single injection, not unlike a virus, that could be inserted into a human fetus and cause a non-human, but still sentient, being to emerge from the womb seven months later.
Joel: If they know he’s sentient, then why even chain him up? They could just have him come on stage and introduce himself, maybe do a little tapdance!
Crow: Because that doesn’t reek of FURSECUTION!
>>They puffed up their fat little chests
Tom: Ribbit, ribbit.
>>with pride as they announced that such a creature was fully immune from TRIG,
Joel: Good, I always hated Trig, algebra was so much easier to understand.
>> and further studies would undoubtedly determine how to extract that immunity and bestow its gift upon a needful humanity.
Crow: Hey, baby, would you like me to bestow my gift upon your humanity?
Joel: Awww, Crow, no…

>>This last declaration brought universal celebration.
All three: HOORAY!
>>TRIG was a disease that had ravaged Earth's population and made AIDS look like a bad case of the clap in comparison.
Tom: That’s one classy description there, Alex.
>> TRIG, a.k.a. Terminal Recursive Internal Gelatinization, was airborne, incurable, and inescapable. It was not sexually transmitted, or transmitted through contact with infected blood, it was simply _transmitted_.
Crow: It was just TRANSMITTED, okay? Don’t ask me how.
>>So maliciously random was it that an entire family could be exposed to the disease and all of them would contract it except one; and no scientist on Earth could explain why.
Tom: I kind of doubt that the author can explain why, either.
>>TRIG caused a person's insides to melt. Slowly. Over the course of ten years or more. It was not especially painful, but watching yourself rot internally like a living corpse was sufficient mental torture to drive most sufferers completely mad before the disease showed enough mercy to finish them off.
All three: EEEEEWWWWWWWW.
>>(Needless to say, trigonometry took a rather unfair hit to its reputation by association.)
Tom: Well, THAT line wasn’t completely unnecessary to add. Nope.

>>But now there was finally hope. After losing one fifth of the planet's men, women and children, there was finally hope.
Joel: There was finally hope. Everyone got that?
Crow: Yeah, I think I got that point sufficiently drilled into my skull.
>>And once the initial hurdle of experimenting on human fetuses had been cleared (by generous bribes to the conservative religious overlords of America),
Tom: Subtle political commentary, this is not.
>> all moral arguments were solved. After all, anyone with sight could plainly see this creature was not human, and therefore did not possess the rights of a human. And certainly not the soul of a human.
Crow: So, wait. In order to cure this disease, they had to invent a new species using human DNA just to bypass some lobbyists? Why couldn’t they just use monkeys like everyone else?
Tom: And another point. Wouldn’t said lobbyists also be opposed to messing with human embryos to turn them into something that isn’t human?
Crow: Also, this goes against the fact that scientists have already managed to make mice with some human DNA! Which means there already are animal/human hybrids, but they’re more realistic and don’t look like stupid furries!
Joel: Stay frosty, guys. We can’t lose it this early.

>>Furries became quite the fad.
Crow: All the cool kids are furries!
>> The news reported on every facet of their creation and development, and special reports were issued every time a new species was added to the pantheon. To make the public less likely to be frightened by the beasts, the scientists had cleverly made them in the forms of animals that would be aesthetically pleasing to the human eye. Foxes, cats, mice, bunnies, squirrels, pandas; all species that had tested positive with the focus groups.
Joel: Aye-ayes, vultures, wolf-spiders and lampreys, on the other hand, not so much,
>>So even when the occasional closeup shot showed the fiery hatred of captivity in one of the specimen's eyes, the viewers at home saw nothing but lush fur and pretty tails.
Tom: D’awwww, aren’t they so cute they’re homicidal?

>>Naturally, the youth seized on this trend immediately. Given that plastic surgery had become commonplace enough that permanent tattoos could be obtained from vending machines,
Crow: Welcome to Japan!
>> the populace was soon inundated with teenagers sporting surgically-created mouse ears, fox noses, kitty-cat tails and more.
Tom: Segmented eyes, a proboscis, antlers, lobster claws…
Joel: Actually, that sounds a lot cooler.
>>Some took the idea further, rebelling from humanity completely by transforming their bodies into thick pelts, rough reptilian skin or slick alien unknowns.
Tom: Take that, humanity!
>>There was even a small faction who eagerly embraced the new hybrids, telling the world on countless talk shows how their own souls had always been animals, and now there were finally beings who looked like they had always desired to look. For the most part, the public despised these 'deviants'.
Crow: AKA, “furries.”

>>But the best was yet to come.
Joel: The furries made everyone in America a batch of cookies!
>> A year in the making, the most ambitious program of its kind ever devised, all the major networks had clawed and gouged at each other like berserkers to acquire the rights, it became in a single hour the most popular television show of the decade.
Tom: 42 students from a randomly selected 9th grade class, put on an island and forced to fight to the death until only one-

>>"Man Vs. Beast"
Tom: … Oh.

>>The premise was simple. The network brought twenty fit, healthy and intelligent hybrids to a quarantined studio in California.
Joel: If it was quarantined, they wouldn’t be very healthy anymore, now would they?
>>Every week, they were pitted against twenty fit, healthy and intelligent human beings in a contest of strength and wit. At the end of each episode, one hybrid or one human would be eliminated.
Crow: I’m sorry, Mr. Fluffles Yiffytail, you have been voted off of the island.

>>From the start, the show was never anything more than clumsily veiled racial propaganda.
Joel: Quoted from the New York Times.
>>The contests were rigged and the scenes scripted so that the hybrids were portrayed as canny but soulless. Clever enemies, but easily dealt with by the superior will of mankind.
Tom: And opposable thumbs.
>>It was a holy tenet to the network: the creation must never overtake the creator. On an early episode when the hybrids won all three challenges, riots ensued.
Crow: In other words, a normal day in Detroit.
>>Picketers marched in front of the station. People burned live animals in the street. The network could barely contain their glee.
Joel: Because network television reality TV shows are serious business.
>>On the following week's program, the humans came from behind and this time won all three challenges themselves. The country erupted in celebration. And so it went. For forty weeks, the events of the entire world hinged on one inescapable television show.
Tom: American Idol?
Joel: No, that “Man Vs. Beast” show.

>>But reality was the farthest thing from what the cameras showed. Deceptive editing hid the pain as perfectly as a magic trick.
Crow: And Voila! No more pain!

>>After each taping ended, the hybrids were herded back into their trailers. Four trailers for twenty adult beings. Conditions were unimaginable. Filth was inescapable.
Tom: This story, unbearable.
>>The hybrids were kept on the edge of starvation to ensure their docility. Cattle prods were used. Any objection was answered with beatings. Luckily for the network, bruises did not show up well under fur.
Crow: On the occasion that bruises were noticed, the Network dismissed it as “falling down some stairs.”

>>And those who were eliminated from the show were eliminated in real life. They were sent back to the laboratory to join their kin in waiting to be vivisected. Their lives were ended, their organs harvested and their unborn children cut from their bellies so the scientists could try in their ham-handed way to find a cure for TRIG.
Joel: Wait, they were fighting while pregnant?
Tom: You’d think if they hadn’t even had some kind of clue yet, that maybe this whole furry thing wasn’t such a brilliant idea after all.

>>Everything changed on the very last episode of Man Vs. Beast.
Joel: The last remaining furry was PUNK’D!

>>In what came to be known as the most notorious terrorist action in human history,
Crow: 9/11? This attack made 9/11 look like a slap on the wrist!
Joel: That’s very insensitive, Crow.
Crow: I’m justified. Remember how he talked about AIDS?
>> the last remaining hybrid pulled off an unthinkable coup. For months, his people had been plotting, and had finally secured the help of a frenzied yet earnest group of animal rights activists. Everything was in place when the show began.
Tom: Yes, hiring ALF to get you out will surely win sympathy for your plight.

>>The host stepped out into the spotlight, the crowd cheered, and all the previous human contestants stepped forward to take a bow.
Joel: What is this, a circus?
Crow: Strong men, terrifying animals, ring leader… all we need is some clowns.
Tom: You mean aside from the author?
>>The last hybrid, a foxmorph, entered from stage left.
Tom: (Snagglepuss voice) Allow me to exit, stage right!
>> With cameras running, he produced an assault weapon as if by magic
Crow: Oh no, hammerspace! They really are cartoons!
>> and without a second's hesitation, slaughtered the other contestants. The ones he had been forced to lose to for forty humiliating weeks. The ones he was smarter, stronger and better than in every measurable way. In less than a minute, he took back what they had stolen from him by squeezing the trigger again and again and again until none of them were left standing.
Tom: So much for non-violent protests.
Crow: And modesty, I mean, jeez. Supremacy, much?

>>He shoved the gun's still-smoking barrel underneath the host's jaw and demanded a car with a full gas tank.
Joel: Then he demanded a pony and a batch of Grandma’s chocolate chip cookies.
>>As the world watched in horror, the word 'LIVE' never leaving the bottom of their screens; not even for commercials, the hybrid ordered a cameraman to follow him as he dragged the mewling host with him through the studio, out the doors and into the waiting car.
Crow: We should have never tampered in God’s domain.
Tom: Why did we play God?
>>He drove like a demon.
Joel: (sings) Here he comes! He comes Speed Racer! He’s a demon on wheels!
Crow: Don’t remind me of that MikeRoach fan fiction, okay?
>>Throughout the journey, he spoke into the camera, telling the millions of homo sapiens
Crow: (snickering) Hee hee! He said “Homo!”
>> watching what his life had been like. He told them of his genetically accelerated childhood. How he had never known his parents and instead had been raised by men and machines. How he was beaten, shocked and drugged every day to keep him from rebelling. How he watched friends and kin die in agony as the scientists drove them to their physical limits and then broke them one by one. How the armed men who kept his people corralled and domesticated would occasionally keep order by selecting an attractive female for a little show of public rape. How sometimes they chose children instead. How gradually, they began to choose almost nothing but children. How one time, almost as a joke, they had killed a young rabbit boy and roasted him to see if he tasted like wild rabbit. He told the camera how their laughter had sounded as the guards and scientists alike partook of the flesh.
Tom: I think we’ve effectively demonized the entire human race, here.
Joel: Scientists and soldiers are pedophiles, rapists and cannibals. Gotcha.
Crow: Man, now I really hate this author!

>>Of course, the following day the President himself calmly explained to the nation that these were all lies concocted by a dangerous terrorist.
Tom: Even in the 25th century, “terrorism” is still a major buzzword.
Joel: (as the President) You wanna know why the economy’s so low right now? Because of terrorists, that’s why!

>>The hybrid drove miles and miles, stopping when he ran out of gas and promising to remove the host's fingers one by one if his tank was not refueled immediately. The host lost three fingers that long afternoon.
Crow: (as Host) Gimme a break, gas costs like 20 bucks a gallon!

>>The fox's destination became obvious long before he ever arrived there: the island laboratory where the others of his kind were kept.
Crow: How can you drive to a freakin’ island?
Tom: Bridges, Crow. Bridges.
Joel: I think you’re giving the author too much credit.
>>News and military helicopters swarmed the miles-wide fortresslike installation. It was built like a shaved-off concrete pyramid. Designed to be absolutely inescapable. But at the moment, the inhabitants were not in the least bit interested in escape.
Crow: Their only interest was to PARTY HARD!

>>There were no guards with guns to meet the hybrid when he crashed his car through the chainlink front gate. They were all inside, dealing with the bloody insurrection of the created.
Tom: (as a soldier) Honey, you won’t believe the believe what happened at work today. You know those furries that we’ve been needlessly torturing and raping and eating? Well, they went and had themselves a bloody insurrection! So, yeah, I quit.
>>The experiments turned upon the experimenters and proved to them beyond all doubt that tooth and claw will always win out over bullets.
Joel: Ah, Alex, I don’t think that’s very accurate…
>>Like the rabbit boy, the scientists and guards were given a lesson on what it felt like to be eaten. Only, the hybrids usually did not show mercy enough to kill them first.
Tom: Jesus, no wonder they had these guys chained up! They eat people!

>>Once the escapee had joined his comrades, the foxmorph hurled the quivering, weeping host away and spoke directly into the cameraman's lens. His words would become legend.
Joel: Starring Tom Cruise.

>>"This island is ours now. We ask only that you leave us alone. Any attempts at diplomacy will be ignored. Any attempts to retake this place will result in death. Yours, not ours. We are not your slaves. We are not yours to play with and discard. We have souls just like you. We will defend our lives just like you.

>>"My name is James Valjean Valentine. These are the last words you will ever hear from me or my people."
Tom: Jeez, so much trying to get along and working together to further the betterment of mankind.
Crow: They’re furries! Trust me, we’re better off!

>>With that, he slammed the laboratory door. And, as promised, he gave the cameraman a five-minute head start before all four bridges connecting the island to the mainland exploded.
Joel: Um… what about boats?
Crow: Boats weren’t invented yet in the future.
________________________________________

>>Needless to say, the military had a hissy fit.
Tom: The Military doesn’t have hissy fits. They just blow the crap out of everyone.

>>Within hours, tanks surrounded the laboratory.
Joel: I guess we don’t have giant killer robots in the future, either.
Crow: Awwww, man.
Joel: Don’t get any ideas, mister.
>>Over a thousand troops encircled the silent grey ziggurat. They waited.
Tom: What were they waiting for? An engraved invitation?

>>Mankind was in a dilemma. Such an act of aggression by an inferior race clearly demanded a suitably violent response and a lot of chest-thumping patriotism from the politicians.
Joel: Subtlety. Learn it, Alex.
>>But if the leaders in government obeyed the will of people and simply nuked the place, their only hope for a TRIG cure would be lost in the blast as well.
Tom: Since they weren’t able to find a cute for TRIG from the furries, then what I’d be worrying about more than a potential cure would be the nuclear radiation.
Joel: And the potential human rights violations?
Crow: Furries are not humans, Joel.
>> It came down to a simple choice: Avenge twenty reality TV contestants, or give all of humanity a chance to avoid extinction. The zeitgeist was with the first option.
Joel: The second option, baking a “I’m Very Sorry” cake.

>>Thankfully, ineptitude prevailed. The politicians hemmed and hawwed and made speeches for long enough that eventually, the attention-deficient population grew tired of the whole mess.
Tom: AH HA HA HA, OH WOW.
Crow: Filibustering saved the day!
>> The media eagerly welcomed a large natural disaster it could change the subject to. Twenty thousand dead in an earthquake in a foreign country was just what America needed to avoid having to make a decision about their greatest national embarrassment.
Joel: God bless America.

>>And so, the hybrids got what they wanted. For the next fifteen and a half years, the 'slabratory' (as it was dubbed) was silent as a tomb. No messages came from within, and any sent from the outside got as much response as a letter written to a brick wall.
Crow: Is that why Wall-Y never writes me back?

>>Fifteen and a half years.

>>And then the phone rang in the oval office.
Tom: Hello? Mr. President? Is your refrigerator running?
________________________________________

>>THE PRESENT:

>>The blades were deafening as the lead helicopter descended to the slaboratory's roof.
Tom: Does that sentence strike anybody else as awkward at all?
Joel: Only because of the use of the word “Slaboratory.”
>>Nearly sixteen years' worth of dust and stray leaves were set free by the prop wash. The blades slowed to a stop, the door emerged, and a small, pale, oily fat man emerged,
Crow: Hey, it’s Donald Pleasence!
>> flanked on five sides by heavily armed and armored soldiers. The man wore glasses and his hair was shock-white. His face resembled a cross between a pear and a persian cat; as if someone had attached a grappling hook to his nose from the inside and pulled with all their might.
Tom: In other words: he was ugly, just as all bad guys should be.

>>Standing mere feet away from him was the world's greatest terrorist. James Valjean Valentine. His name had become so synonymous with everything humanity hated that people no longer even acknowledged Valentine's Day. After all, who in their right mind would celebrate Hitler's Day either?
Crow: 4chan would.
Joel: No more internet for you, young man.

>>The cameras came out immediately after the fat little man, giving the world its first look in over a decade at the animal-man who had been called a criminal, a murderer, the bane of humanity, a tragic antihero, a misunderstood revolutionary, a hero, a cowboy, a sex symbol,
All three: WHAT?!
>>a boogeyman and the savior of mankind. James looked, much, much older. His russet fur had gone grey in places. His chin whiskers had lengthened into a villain's goatee. But the fox still stood straight and hearty. And his eyes gleamed with a terrifying intelligence. The people seeing his image on their screens were filled with primal hatred. Not because of what this creature had done, but because he looked as if he owned the whole of humanity, and relished the thought.

Tom: Damn that sexy fox cowboy man, damn him to hell!
Crow: Stupid sexy Valentine.
>>He smiled cordially. "Unless you've put on several dozen pounds or so, you are not the President. And that means this meeting is over." He turned around with a flick of his tail. "Good bye."
Joel: (laughs) Don’t you remember that constitutional amendment that made it illegal for fat people to be President?
Tom: Well, that didn’t make any sense.

>>The fat man surged forward. "Wait!! Don't you know who I am!?"

Crow: (as the President) I’M SPARTACUS!
>>James did not turn around, but instead kept walking towards the lone roof access door. "Of course I do. You are Vice President Hugo Aaron Cloverleaf.
Tom: Everybody said you had a stupid name, and boy, they were right!
>>You were educated at Yale, have never served in the military, and were arrested at age twenty for punching a black man in the face for saying 'Hello' to your future fiance."
Crow: (Dismayed trumpet sound) Wah-wah-waaaahhhh…
Joel: Man, just when you thought that Alex couldn’t demonize humans any more…
Tom: If James hated all humans, then why would the distinction of the President punching a black man make any difference? Wouldn’t they be all the same?!

>>The Vice President's face turned pink. The creature's casual tone had stung worse than his knowledge of that 'little incident' he'd done everything possible to hush up during the election. "The President couldn't come," he said. "It's a matter of national security. It's the _law_."
Tom: And now he’s not even the President! I thought maybe James just assumed he was the Vice President since that was his position when the furries rebelled! That would have made more sense! AARRRGGH, I hate this story!
Joel: Stay frosty, Tom. Stay frosty.

>>James stopped, then grinned. "Well, I certainly don't want to be accused of doing anything against the law."

Tom: You mean like, mass murder?

>>Vice President Cloverleaf fumed.
Crow: (Curly voice) Why I aught’a…

>>The fox turned around. "You may select one soldier and one cameraman to follow you inside."

"That wasn't the agreement."

"That was _exactly_ the agreement."
Joel: Wow, James sure is slick.

>>The fat little man seemed to huff and puff for a little bit, like a fish trying to breathe out of water, but then relented with a grunt. He pointed at a soldier and a cameraman at random and bode them approach with a sweep of his hand.
Tom: So, the Vice President is pretty much Dick Cheney, then.

>>"Excellent. This is all starting off much better than I predicted," James said.
Crow: JUST AS PLANNED!
>> He looked into the camera and gave the world his most disarming smile. "Hello, humanity. It's been a while since I've been in front of one of these, hasn't it? And I'm sure you've all been just dying to know what's been going on in our little island hacienda. Have we resorted to cannibalism yet, you must wonder? Are there wild, savage orgies?
Crow: They’re furries! Of course there are!
>> Do we worship the bones of the men who created us and then tortured us endlessly for their ape-like amusement?" He paused, letting his words sink like venomous fangs into the collected souls of his audience. "Gosh, I feel just like Willy Wonka."
Joel: Oh, James, you sly dog.

>>"Here we go!" he said in a chipper voice as he opened the door and ushered the three men inside.
Tom: I think the door says “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”
________________________________________

>>"Watch your step," the fox supplied helpfully. They were in a long, dimly-lit stairwell.
Joel: Maybe they should get some electricity or something, seeing as to how they’re so much more advance than humans and all.
>>"Just two floors down. We've spent all day spiffing the place up for you."
Crow: You mean, yiffing up the place for you.
>> Grinning like the Cheshire Cat, he pinched the Vice President's cheek. "We so rarely get visitors, you know."
Tom: (as James) You’re such a cute little Vice President, I could just eat you up!

>>The soldier stuck the barrel of his gun in James' face.

>>The fox pouted. "Touchy, are we?"
Joel: You mean, “aren’t we.”
Crow: Whatever.

>>James stepped out in front of the trio, turning his back to them with planned nonchalance, leading the way down the echoing metal stairs. "Just so you know, Mr. Soldier Boy,
Crow: Crank dat Soulja Boi!
your gun won't have much of an effect down here. Even if you do shoot me like the rabid varmint you think I am, my people are watching our every step, hidden in the shadows where you can't see. You did give us animal grace and animal vision, remember? All three of you would be joining me in Hell before my body even hit the ground." He chuckled. "Just something to think about..."
Tom: Because furries can totally outrun a bullet.

>>Vice President Cloverleaf seethed. He didn't think it was possible that one being could possibly radiate so much smugness, so much arrogance, so much childish glee at humiliating them. The fact was, he had them by the balls. And he knew it. And he loved it.
Joel: Who there, Cloverleaf, a little too much information, there. Didn’t need to know you were into the whole humiliation thing.

>>The call had come in one month and two days previously. As casual as you please, James Valjean Valentine had dialed the White House and asked a flustered receptionist to speak to the President. At first, she naturally assumed it was a joke. But James let her know quite clearly that he had the power in his paws to shape the futures of a million lives. He could save them as easily as destroying them; it mattered little to him. He said his people had developed a new version of the virus-like concoction that had first turned them into anthropomorphic beings. He said it no longer needed to be injected into fetuses, but would work on children and adults alike. He said he was prepared to introduce it to Los Angeles' water supply if he didn't get a Presidential response in twenty-four hours. The receptionist's fear turned to slack-jawed astonishment when James added, playing as if it were an afterthought, that his people had also developed a fast-casting, permanent and easily-administered cure for TRIG. Then he hung up, leaving her opening and closing her mouth like a nutcracker.
Crow: (impersonating a nutcracker) OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!
Tom: Oh hey, James here is just like the Joker, only he’s going to turn everyone into furries!
Joel: and that’s terrible.

>>The negotiations did not go well for mankind. The President had started off with the expected "we do not deal with terrorists" bluster, but had all the wind knocked out of him when, as promised, a package containing a small vial of fluid was delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. As instructed by James Valjean Valentine, government scientists had first examined the solution, then administered it to a TRIG patient in the disease's final stages. Within minutes, there were signs of remission. Within two weeks, the man was running on a treadmill while scientists stared at him like goggle-eyed little children in front of a Christmas display.
Crow: So, science is only good when in the hands of furries?
Joel: Apparently so. This subtext is kind of confusing.

>>At first, the government had conspired to keep the cure a secret. The embarrassment of accepting salvation from a mass-murdering monster was not worth the billions of lives that would be saved in return.
Tom: Well, obviously.
>>But this had been anticipated by the anthropomorphs, and the formula for the cure (minus several key components) was sent out over the internet to the entire world.
Joel: Man, you can find anything on the internet!
Tom: Why bother putting it on the internet if you don’t have the key components, Goddammit!
>>The fact of the cure could not possibly be denied now. From that point on, the wily fox got everything he requested, and allowed absolutely no compromise.
Tom: He even got those cheese from the crow’s beak and everything.
Crow: Huh? Cheese? I don't have any-
Joel: I'll explain it later, Crow.

>>The Vice President, the soldier and the cameraman stopped in front of a green metal door at the end of the stairway. "Are you ready?" James asked.
Tom: (singing) Get ready for loooove!

>>The humans nodded.

>>James opened the door.
Joel: Let’s see what’s behind door number one, and it’s…
________________________________________

>>"WELCOME!!!" came a thunderous cheer.

>>To the humans' blinking amazement, they stepped into an enormous room containing hybrids of uncountable species. There were men, women, children, families. Mammals, reptiles, avians. Some wore clothes, others didn't bother.
Crow: Why am I completely unsurprised?
>>The environment looked clean, well-lit, well-kept and comfortable. There were equal amounts leafy plant life and shiny white tile. Streamers hung from the ceiling. Balloons were everywhere.
Joel: Yes, but was there cake?

>>"We've made some progress, as you can see," James said proudly.
Tom: (laughing nervously) Yes, lots of progress…

>>Vice President Cloverleaf looked panicked. Sweat was running down his face. "How... How is any of this possible? We only started out with six species! There wasn't supposed to be enough supplies in here to keep your population alive for two years!!" He'd been told to expect only a handful of survivors, that the building would resemble a refugee camp. He'd been told to expect the stench of blood, death and feces.
Crow: Yes, because furries can’t take care of themselves. No, seriously, they can’t. Why aren’t they all dead?
Joel: I’m sensing some aggression here, Crow.

>>James shook his head. "We'll get to all of that in a second. First, I have something more important to show you." He turned to the crowd and made beckoning motions to a radiant vixen and two children; a bat and an armadillo. The three furries came forward and James put his arm around the blushing vixen's shoulders. "This is my stunningly gorgeous wife, Claudia."
Tom: (as James) Isn’t she beautiful? I mentioned she’s stunning, right?

>>"Stop it, James!" she hissed, shying away from the camera but clearly loving the attention.
Joel: That’s vixens for you.
>>She extended her paw towards the Vice President and he shook it automatically, without thought.
Crow: (as the Vice President) Uh dooooiiiii…

>>"...and these are my two brilliant, awesome, incredible and all-around wonderful children, Nathaniel and Anastasia," James added, patting the bat girl and the armadillo boy on their heads. They giggled.
Joel: Shouldn’t they be foxes too?
Tom: Could James have used any more adjectives in that sentence?

>>Vice President Cloverleaf narrowed his eyes. "That's impossible. These can't be your children."

>>Claudia 'hmmphed'. "Was it *your* vagina they came out of?"
All three: (shocked silence)

>>James snorted a chuckle. "Dear, we're on television, remember?"
Tom: Well, she sure is shameless, isn’t she?
Joel: I’d say I don’t think this story is appropriate for you bots to read, but after that LittleCloud story, this doesn’t seem so bad.
Crow: ARRGGHH, TRIGGER WORD, TRIGGER WORD!
Tom: Oh, great, now Crow’s going into one of his fits again.

>>She put a hand over her muzzle. "Oh, my...!"
Joel: Oh, jeez, Crow, I’m sorry, I promise I won’t say “LittleCloud” anymore.
Crow: AAUUUGGHH, NO DAD, NO!
Tom: Good God, Joel, knock it off! He looks like he’s having a seizure.

>>James turned back to the terminally frazzled-looking Cloverleaf. "I'm sure you're very, very confused, Mr. Vice President. But you see, when humanity created us, they did too good of a job."
Tom: Isn’t that how humanity always is with its horrible abominations?

>>The greying fox stepped back and extended his arms to the paradise his people had made. "You made us far better than you. We are smarter and physically stronger, yes, but only by fractions. What you unknowingly gave us was better control over our emotions and instincts than you have. We can reason better. We can think more clearly. I'm sure you're not going to like hearing this, but we are now the superior species on every conceivable level."
Joel: Man, you don’t have to be so smug about it.
Tom: Also, I highly doubt you can control your emotions better, given the fact that you gunned down twenty people on national television and ate a bunch of scientists and soldiers!
Crow: (recovering) I’m okay… I’m okay… I’ll be fine…

>>Vice President Cloverleaf rumbled but managed to hold his tongue. He had to keep reminding himself that the cure for the worst plague in humanity's history lay at the end of this fox's trail of insults and arrogance.
Joel: This is diplomacy at work, people.

>>"We are now living in the very laboratory that created us," James continued. "After we, heh heh, 'disposed' of the scientists..." He mimed a burp. Most of the furries howled with laughter. The humans looked stricken.
Tom: Oh, furries do the darnest things!
>>"...we began looking into their research. It's downright miraculous they got as far as they did. The work was so simple, it was only a matter of months before we discovered a way to input the characteristics of any species we desired into the basic anthropomorphic template you laid out for us. It's as simple as a computer program, and not even dependant on the parents!"
Crow: What has science done?

>>He leaned in conspiratorially. "We have a couple, a mouse and a boar, who have given birth to a flamingo."

>>"This is absolutely insane," Vice President Cloverleaf could not stop himself from blurting.
Crow: Why, it’s madness! IT’S SPARTMMPPHH.
Joel: (Covering Crow’s beak) Young man, that’s enough out of you.

>>James steepled his hands.
Tom: He *what* his hands?
>>"Now, now, Mr. Vice President. If this seems like insanity to you, keep in mind who set the stage. We're only following in humanity's footsteps."
Joel: Oooh, burn.

>>He stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Oh, I nearly forgot. You see this grey fur? There's a little trick you played on us that no one ever knew about, did they?" He turned and looked into the camera. "You made us perfect, but you also installed a basic flaw to keep us from ever becoming too great a threat. You shortened our lifespans."
Crow: Hey, it’s like that sucky sequel to The Fly!
Tom: The Fly Returns?
Crow: No, The Fly 2, the sequel to the David Cronenburg remake.
Joel: Now that you mention it, I am seeing a lot of parallels here…

>>Vice President Cloverleaf bit his tongue. This was classified. Top secret! And this fur-covered bastard was telling the whole world!!
Tom: That’s what you get for letting the press come along.

>>"Planned obsolescence, isn't it called? Or something like that. The idea, I'm sure, was that even if we did somehow rebel, we'd all die of old age in a matter of years and that would be the end of it, right?" He reached out to tickle beneath the Vice President's chin. "That was a nasty little trick, don't you think?"
Joel: Gootchie-gootchie-goo!

>>Cloverfield
Tom: OH GOD, WHAT’S THAT MONSTER DOING HERE?
Crow: I think the Author forgot the name of his Vice President character.
>>could barely rasp the words out. "At the time, it was considered prudent risk-management."

>>James laughed out loud. "Oh, you and your euphemisms!! You crack me up! 'Prudent risk-management' he says! But of course, what he really means is that, even though I and my wife and the other remaining originals all have to endure painful medical treatments week in and week out, we all still have only a few remaining years left to us." The fox's smile remained, but all mirth left his eyes. "Which means my children will have to watch helplessly as their mother and father die of old age before they even reach puberty."
Joel: Well, I suppose that’s better than watching you die slowly of being say, eaten alive.

>>Vice President Cloverleaf had children of his own. And there is a scant possibility, if one were to review the recording made that day, that his face showed the briefest trace of emotion.
Tom: Even the evil hyoo-mans can feel.

>>"Fucker," Nathaniel spat, and kicked the Vice President in the shin.
Joel: Now, where did he learn language like that?

>>The fat man hopped on one leg amusingly for a few seconds while Anastasia giggled.
Tom: D’oh-hoo-hoo!

>>James, grinning too, turned to the soldier and spoke softly but clearly. "If you do not point that gun away from my children, I will make you eat your own genitals, raw and still twitching."
Crow: Eeewww, why do I have the feeling the author would get off on that?

>>The coldness in the fox's eyes made the soldier back up swiftly. He very nearly dropped his rifle.
Joel: Soldiers are easily intimidated by unarmed furries.

>>James patted his son on the head, "It's not very nice to kick our guests in the leg." He looked up to the Vice President. "Even if they do richly deserve it. Oh, and by the way, sir, your little failsafe lies in ruins. We successfully found the gene. We eradicated it. My son and daughter will have the chance to grow up strong and healthy and live long, happy lives. Lives that your scientists would have denied them, just to cover their own fat, hairless asses." The malice in his voice was like a throatful of rusty razorblades.
Tom: That sounds painful.
Joel: I like how all the villains are fat. That’s a nice touch. There’s no well-built, handsome villains.

>>The fat, pale little man set his jaw. "Fifteen years ago, I was a state senator from Georgia. I had nothing to do with any of those decisions."
Crow: Besides, you know, being a part of Congress.

>>"Fair enough. Point to you." James paused. "Although, I think it's fair of me to guess that you *were* involved in the decision to bring five armed guards along with you when I specifically said I'd allow only one. Not to mention four extra helicopters, which I seem not to remember agreeing to either. Pardon me for saying so, but you seem to value your own safety a tad more than the lives of the billions of people who need my TRIG cure."
Joel: James, you just keep bringing on the humiliation.

>>Furious again, Vice President Cloverleaf counted down from ten before he could even speak.
Crow: Just like his mommy made him do when he was little.
>>"Could we, perhaps, get to that already? We have jumped through your hoops, Mr. Valentine. What more do you want from us before you'll agree to ease the suffering of those billions you were just talking about!?"
Tom: If the human population stays roughly the same as it is now, and 1/5 of humanity got wiped out by TRIG, then wouldn’t that make about roughing only 1.3 billion people as survivors? That’s hardly “billions.”
Joel: You think too much.

>>The fox was unfazed. "I already have."

>>The Vice President blinked. "Excuse me?"
All three: Say what?

>>James Valjean Valentine, looking more pleased with himself than ever, took a few steps back to address both the Vice President and the camera. "Remember my threat to dump a mutagenic compound in the water supply that would turn millions of Californians into hybrids like us?"
Tom: The one that ripped off the Joker?

>>"Naturally," Vice President Cloverleaf ground out.

>>"It was a bluff," James admitted. "There never was any plot to put anything in any water."

>>Vice President Cloverleaf breathed a sigh of relief. "Well that's a relie-"

>>"The compound is airborne."
Crow: (M. Night Shyamalan voice) What a twist!

>>Vice President Cloverleaf felt a pain in his chest. "...Say that again."
Joel: (as James) Okay! The compound is airbourne!

>>"It's airborne," James replied sweetly. "And I don't just mean it's transmitted through the air, I mean that it already _is_ airborne. Right now, in this room. You are infected, Mr. Cloverleaf. It's delightfully contagious. We modified TRIG itself to be the carrier."
Tom: Oh, wow.
Crow: YOU MONSTERS!

>>Vice President Cloverleaf was breathing hard now. All the muscles in his body seemed to go limp. "You... You absolute fucking monster...! You...!!"
Crow: YOU… YOU… YOU DOUBLE NIGGER!
Joel: What did you just say? Oh, that is it. I’ve had enough out of you. (Grabs a roll of masking tape)
Crow: Hey, were’d you get thaaaaaAAAHH!

>>James waggled his finger at the quivering, red-faced little man. "Temper, temper."
Tom: You’re one to talk, James. Stay classy.
(Joel and Crow are struggling, as Joel attempts to tape Crow’s beak shut)

>>"YOU SAID YOU HAD A CURE!!!" Cloverleaf exploded. "You said you'd save us all if we agreed to your fucking demands, and instead all you ever planned to do was turn us into hideous goddam *beasts* like you!!!"
Tom: Yep, he’s Cheney all right.
Joel: (seals the tape around Crow’s beak) There. That aught to teach you, Mr. Potty-Mouth.
Crow: Mmmrrph!

>>Unflappable as a stone statue, James cocked his head at the man. "Did we really? Are you perhaps assuming things I haven't actually said? You have your cure, Mr. Vice Nothing. Take it and be grateful."
Joel: So, becoming a furry cures TRIG.
Tom: This doesn’t make any sense!

>>He was huffing and puffing like an overheated engine.
Joel: Or the Big Bad Wolf.
>>"Make SENSE!!! Stop contradicting yourself!"
Tom: Thank you, someone in this story agrees with me!

>>"The cure and the compound are one and the same. Do you understand now, you disgustingly stupid little man?" James shot forward and seized Cloverleaf's chin in two black-furred scissorlike fingers.
Joel: Edward Scissorfingers.
>> "Let me make it plain as day. You got what you came for, just not what you wanted. Did you honestly think we were so stupid as to not be able to find a way out of this place without you noticing? We've been stockpiling supplies and living fat and happy for the last decade. We have been among you the whole time. Brave, selfless volunteers agreed to horribly disfiguring surgeries to remove their ears, pelts and tails so they could pass undetected among you. We've planned this all out from the start! For the unimaginable pain and suffering you put my people through when you created us, I can think of no worse punishment than to force every last damned one of you to BECOME us!!!"
Tom: ONE OF US. ONE OF US.

>>The soldier squeezed his trigger.
Joel: That’s one of the least exciting descriptions of firing a gun I’ve read.

>>"DADDY!!" Anastasia screamed.

>>James crumpled to the ground, clutching his midsection.
Tom: Eh, put a band-aid on it, he’ll be fine.

>>The cameraman captured it all.

>>The watching world held its breath.
All three: (Gasp and hold their breath.)

>>Slowly, with fury radiating from his every hair, James Valjean Valentine stood up.
Tom: I think he’s gone Super-Sayan.
Crow: Mrrphmprh! Mprh mrph mmprrh mmrrpphhl murph mrrph!
Joel: Hey, you promise not to use any more racial slurs or internet memes any more, young man?
Crow: (nods) Mmmprh! Mmmmrph!

>>He took his hand away from the wound; the bullet had merely grazed his side. Painful, bloody, but far from fatal.
Tom: Aww, dammit. I was actually hoping to see him die.

>>He stared into the soldier's frightened eyes. "That was unnecessary."
Crow: (now has the tape removed from his beak) HIS POWER LEVEL IS OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAAANNNMMMRRRPPPHH!
Joel: (Wrapping tape back around Crow’s beak) See, this is why we can’t do anything nice.

>>With a nod of his head, a dozen hybrids surrounded the soldier. His gun vanished into the crowd. He writhed and wet his pants as uncountable furry limbs held his body still.
Tom: That has to be the most cowardly and ineffective soldier ever.
Joel: Actually, I don’t blame him. If this story is any indication, furries are pretty scary.

>>James approached, his gaze still locked. "Do you have
Joel: Any Grey Poupon?
>>a family?" he asked slowly.

>>The soldier's lower jaw was shaking too hard to produce words at first. "Yessir. My- my-my mamma's at home. Fiance. A baby daughter. Please, for the love of God, I'm sorry."

James was silent for a moment, considering. "They are innocent. And because I can't in good conscience take a father away from his child, you will only lose your legs today."
Tom: That way, you’ll only bleed to death!
Joel: Well, apparently, they’ll sew him up afterwards. He’ll be okay.

>>He nodded, and his people dragged the soldier off. The man's helpless screams echoed down the long, long corridor.

Joel: Would it have killed you to at least knock him out first?

>>James turned back to the Vice President. "Where were we before we were interrupted?"
Tom: Ah, yes, I was telling you how totally screwed you are.

>>With alarming swiftness for a man his age, Vice President Cloverfield reached into his jacket and pulled out a pistol.
Joel: Oh, so he’s a republican.
>>Shockingly, he pointed it not at James, but at the cameraman. "I'll kill him and then kill myself before I let you turn us into Typhoid Marys," he said calmly. "I will sacrifice both our lives to preserve humanity."
Tom: (as cameraman) Hey, man, this was never in my contract.

>>James put up his hands in a patronizing 'let's not do anything hasty' gesture. "A truly noble sentiment, Mr. Vice President.
Joel: Taking hostages is very noble.
>> And one I didn't think you had in you. But it's pointless, really. You're carriers, certainly, but you're not the *only* carriers."

>>Vice President Cloverfield's eyes darted around the room. "The soldier? He'll kill himself too. He'll find a way. He's a good man. He won't be your pawn either."
Tom: He just begged for his life, and you’re assuming he’ll kill himself. Wow.

>>James Valjean Valentine shook his head. "You're not thinking big enough. We released it in eighteen major cities all over the world before you even arrived. All of humanity will be infected within hours."

The gun went limp in Cloverfield's hand.
Joel: Hey, I just realized, the Vice President’s name’s been permanently changed to Cloverfield.
Tom: Or the author is really stupid enough to forget what he named a pivotal character.

>>"It's over, Mr. Vice President," James said consolingly. "We won. We won long before you ever had any chance to stop us. But it's not the end of the world. So you'll turn into an echidna in a few weeks. Is that so bad? Is losing your personal appearance really so terrible when it means that billions of suffering people now have their lives back?"
Joel: (as the Vice President) NNNGGH, NO! I HATE ECHIDNAS!

>>The Vice President screamed and started firing his gun blindly.
Tom: That’s not really a good idea, Sir.

>>The first shot took off half the cameraman's head, yet he stayed on his feet just barely long enough for that final, historic image to be transmitted across the globe: James Valjean Valentine leaping at the Vice President of the United States and tearing his throat out in one bite.
Joel: I didn’t realize pistols were that powerful.
Crow: Mmmrrpph!
Joel: Oh, no. You had your chance. You blew it.
Crow: Mmmrrpph…

>>Then the camera toppled to the floor and broke. Only static remained.
Tom: (whispering) Seven days…
________________________________________

>>THE FUTURE:

>>"Very good, Calvin.
Joel: Miss Wormwood? Is that you?
>>Now, does anyone know how many humans are still left in the world?" the teacher asked.

>>Robert raised his hand. "Too many?"

>>The whole class giggled. Children of every fur color and species.
Joel: Racist humor is hilarious!
Crow: Mmmrrph!
Joel: That was sarcasm. Don’t get any ideas.

>>Their teacher even cracked a smile. "Now, that's not very nice, Robert. At last estimate, there are perhaps four hundred homo sapiens still on planet Earth. They're totally harmless now. And where are most of them located?"
Tom: Somehow, I don’t think there’s being any effort made to preserve humans as an endangered species.

>>Clarissa's hand shot up. "In Australia! The aborigines!"

>>Mrs. Houstead nodded. "Excellent! Absolutely correct. The rest are scattered throughout the world in small groups, like cavemen. We leave them alone. It's better that way. Now, for a bonus question, who can tell me what TRIG actually was?"
Joel: Man, being smug must be some kind of genetic trait in furries.

>>The room was quiet for a minute or so.

>>"Anyone?"
Tom: A disease worse than AIDS?

>>Finally, Erik had the courage to put up his paw. "Um, wasn't it a weapon or something?"

>>Mrs. Houstead smiled. "Terrific, Erik. Where did you hear that?"
Tom: Another twist!
Joel: Alex, truly you’re some kind of suspense master.
Crow: Mmmrrphh..
Joel: Oh, all right, since this stories almost over…

>>He shrugged. "Some news show my parents were watching."
Tom: (as Rik) "I think it was called “Fox News.” Heh get it? FOX NEWS?
Joel: I got plenty of tape left for you too, Tom. (Removes Crow’s tape)
Crow: Ow!

>>"Good for you, being so observant. Yes, TRIG was created by Americans as a way to combat terrorism. The idea was that if another nation attacked them, they could release a small amount of TRIG in that country, and the results would be so gruesome and devastating that it would send a message to other nations that attacking America would not be worth the resulting response."
Joel: I get the feeling that Alex isn’t too fond of the war on terrorism, either.
Tom: If he hates humans so much, then why does he care?

>>Brandy shivered. "That's horrible!"
Crow: JEEPERS!

>>"Horrible, but unfortunately true," Mrs. Houstead replied. "The American government tested it on prisoners, but found it was far more contagious than they could control. So they sent the test subjects to Africa to make it seem as if the outbreak originated there. The truth started out as conspiracy theories, but it wasn't until billions were already infected that the scientists who'd created the disease spoke out. They were hanged for treason. Not for creating the outbreak, but for admitting to it."
Joel: I don’t think anybody gets hanged in America anymore. I’m pretty sure it’s all lethal injections and gas chambers.

>>Erik had actually begun to cry. "I'm glad there aren't humans anymore," he said fearfully.
Tom: I hate this author so much. So. Much.
Joel: How old are these kids, anyway? Aren’t they a little young for this kind of heavy stuff?

>>Mrs. Houstead, realizing she may have laid a little too much truth on her students, went over to Erik's desk, sat down, and petted his fur. "I'm sorry if I scared you, class. We as furries are far from perfect, but at least we've learned from the mistakes our ancestors made. You have to accept the truth in order to learn from it."
Crow: GODDAMNED FILTHY SMUG FURRIES! WHY YOU DO THIS, WHY, WHY, WHY? (cries)

>>She looked up at the clock. "That's enough for now. I don't think anyone will mind if we start recess five minutes early. Go play, children. Have fun and don't worry."
Tom: Yay, recess!
Tom and Joel: YAAAAYYYYY!
Crow: (Still weeping)

>>The mood lightened immediately. All the children were up and away from their desks in a flash, lining up at the door and eagerly awaiting the chance to stretch their legs and run around.
Tom: I call monkey bars!
Joel: I call the swing!
Crow: OH, STOP IT. BOTH OF YOU. (Cries)
Joel: Aw, I’m sorry, buddy…
Crow: No, you’re not! You taped up my beak and everything!

>>Mrs. Houstead glanced briefly at the framed portrait of James Valjean Valentine that hung on the north wall. The same portrait that hung on the wall of almost every classroom in the country.
Tom: Heil Valentine.
Joel: I’m sorry I taped up your beak, Crow. Look, the story’s almost over. How about I give you some nice RAM chips or something after this, huh?
Crow: (sniffles) You promise?
Joel: I promise.

>>'You were a far from perfect man,' she thought. 'You were flawed as anyone, and you did some unforgivable things. But that's probably true of anyone in history who's ever been bold enough to change the world.'
Tom: Yes, because gunning down people and eating humans is totally forgivable, because they’re so goshdarned inferior. Just like those Jews.
Joel: Hey, you watch what you say too, Servo.

>>Mrs. Houstead went to the front of the room to let her class out. She followed them to the playground, grateful to feel the fresh air and sunshine on her fur.
Joel: See, Crow! It’s over!
Crow: OH THANK GOD.
________________________________________

>>The end.

Tom: Yeah, good riddance.

>>AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Huge, huge thanks to Alfador, both for editing this and for coming up with a plausible full name for TRIG.

Crow: There was no way this was edited.

>>"How It All Began"
"Started 12/03/07, 8:05 am Finished 12/03/07, 12:05 pm

Tom: FOUR HOURS ON THIS, JOEL. FOUR HOURS.

Joel: (Picks up Tom) It’s okay, don’t worry about it so much. C’mon, let’s get some RAM chips.

Crow: RAM chips, RAM chips, yum yum yum yum yum!

(Theater closing sequence.)

Webkins: An Adventure on an Internet Pet Site

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:03:17 GMT

Before I start my little report on all things webby and kinny, I'd like to say, yes, I'll be at Katsucon. unfortunately, Izzy got really sick at the last minute and isn't coming. Which means no sexings for me. I am probably more upset about this than he is.

So, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Webkins.

You ever go to the Drug Store or Hallmark or (in my case) Greetings and Readings and see signs in the window that say "Yes, we have Webkins here," or something along those lines? And they have a shelf or two of these little stuffed animals, some of them adorable, others not-so-adorable? Or maybe you don't notice stuffed animals. Well, I do. And I get curious.

After getting in contact with an old friend of mine from high school who confessed she had a few, my curiosity grew. I decided to pick one of the cutest of the lot and take it home.

I got a Chihuahua. His name is Raoul. And he is goddamned adorable.

Of curse, I would be fine to have him occupy my shelf along side my menagerie of stuffed animals and a veritable Spartan's army of action figures (led by King Leonidas himself, even), but I decided, hey, why the hell not? I might as well make a journal entry about it, right?

Well, upon punching in the web address (http://www.webkinz.com, for the curious), I was greeted with this front page:

(My apologies, HUEG PICTURE IS HUEG).

Normally, such bright colors and dopey-looking, cartoon animals would ward me off. I mean, goddamn. Look at them. Jesus. But I bravely applied for membership. For you.

Now, unlike Neopets, you have to actually buy a stuffed animal IRL to beome a member of the site. Clever, indeed. And profitable. I can imagine the boardroom meeting GANZ had for that one:

Prima: All right, our sales of stuffed animals are dropping due to those goshdarned vidya games the kids love these days. How can we compete against this?
Seconda: Hey, you heard about that Neopet's site? Maybe we can do something like that!
Prima: No, that idea sucks. Wait! What if we do something like that Neopet's site!
Seconda: But I just said-
Prima: SHUT UP! I COULD OUTSOURCE YOUR JOB TO INDIA SO FAST, YOUR HEAD WILL BE DOING BARRELROLLS. Now, here's the plan. 1. Manufacture lots of stuffed animals cheaply from China. 2. Give them tags so that kids will get a "secret code" to access the website. 3. Sell accessories and shit. 4. ??????? 5. PROFIT!
Seconda: *Weeps quietly*

Or, at least, that's how I'd like to imagine it.

Upon registering, I'm greeted by a talking bird woman, who holds my hand throughout the entire process of regestering for this account. She tells me that if I'm under nine years old, I should ask my mom or dad for help. I am also made to print an adoption certificate for Raoul, which also has my username and password on it.

TOP SEKRIT INFO, U GUIS.

That's her, right there. I wish I could turn her off. Goddamn.

After having little Raoul all registered and having his papers in order, it's time to explore the world of Webkins! Or, something along those lines. Aimlessly, I click links and try and figure out what the fuck I'm doing. At one point, I find myself doing a "job," which is a memory game in which I have to remember the order of colors painted on a fence. Like Simon Says with a Tom Sawyer-esque twist. PAINTIN' FENCES IS THE FUNNEST THING EVAR, SRSLY!

Eventually, I find my way to my "room" (the Neopets vibe is not wearing off anytime soon) and aimlessly place some starter items around the place. But, since I got a Chihuahua, I get certain, special items exclusive to his breed:

YO QUIERO TACO BELL, ANYONE?

Yeah. So, apparently, chihuahuas are unsurprisingly racially stereotyped as Mexicans. Sure, the breed is from Mexico. But not all Chihuahuas are mexican anymore, am I right? WHAT ABOUT THE CHIHUAHUAS OF EUROPE? ASIA? COME ON, PEOPLE! RACIAL PROFILING OF DOGS MUST STOP HERE!

But, I digress. I ended up buying him some clothes and more furniture with the starting amount of money I had. And it has become alarmingly evident that I lack any kind of design skills whatsoever.

It reminds me of a lot of houses I had in The Sims. No theme. Just impulsively buying whatever looked kind of neat. Only, in The Sims I'd use that cheat for unlimited moneys and the houses were a lot more cluttered. And a lot more flammable.

Heh heh heh...

Quickly after running out of monies, I decide to see if I can start interacting with other users. Unfortunately, the chat system makes it virtually impossible to troll. Much like Pokemon Diamond and Pearl, you have to select a combination of phrases in order to communicate with others around you. Not like they talked back to me much, anyway. I did, however, have a lot of fun kicking some nine-year-old butt in Go-Fish.

I got better at it the more I played. I am all over this fucking game, goddamn. Unfortunately, there's no opportunity to rub your sweet victory in your opponent's face. At least on Neopet's there's ways you can upset the users. Here, the environment is sterilized like there were people in there under quarantine. It's sickly sweet and harmless and the opposite of most of the websites I frequent. It feels really strange, actually.

Shall I venture back? I don't know. At the very least, I got a cute stuffed animal out of the deal. And unlike his online avatar, he's got those sweet, sad, bulgy Chihuahua eyes.

D'awwww...

So, a Funny Thing Happened While Planning for Katsucon...

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:30:09 GMT

Well, it's not that funny, really. I had just found out that Izzy had told me to find a place to stay for Katsucon, and I apparently completely forgot.

Oops.

The past few days I've had so much crap going on with my stolen DS and a gallbladder attack on MLK day, I hadn't been talking to Izzy much. And I've got to run up to CCBC Essex and sign up for some classes, otherwise he won't be coming with me. Fortunately, taking my medication and my painkiller at around 11 or so last night, sleep kicked in fast and I got up around 9:30 this morning, on my own, so I'll have plenty of time before work to get this done.

So, yeah. Anybody going to Katsucon have room for two more people? We'll pay our share. I promise to let you hit me if I'm rude or make you uncomfortable with innapropriate jokes. For serious.

To The Idiot Who Stole My Nintendo DS on New Years Day

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 00:00:56 GMT

Hello, there. You may not know me very well. You worked with me for about a month, and we never talked or anything. You didn't really talk to anybody, actually, from what I heard, and those that talked to you said you were a stupid 16 year old kid who smoked cigarettes and liked to pretend you were tough.

It's doubtful you'll ever read this. You and your brother must think you're hot shit. You picked up my DS case and its games, which I was stupid enough to forget in the break room at work. Maybe you thought that nobody would care, like how police officers usually handle bike thefts. They take down information and call it quits. Unfortunately for you, had there been one or two more games in that case, you would've committed a felony, because it would have been upward of $500 dollars of merchandise stolen.

What the fuck were you thinking?

So your brother comes into work, uses the employee elevator (despite the fact that he DOESN'T FUCKING WORK HERE), and sees my case and puts it in his hoodie and sneaks off with it, and hands it to you. And you, in a stroke of sheer brilliance, decide to mosey on over to the Game Stop IN THE SAME FUCKING SHOPPING CENTER AS THE THEATER I FUCKING WORK AT, and pawn them off using YOUR REAL ID AND NAME.

It should've tipped off the managers when you decided that you wouldn't show up for work anymore. And now your ass (and your brothers ass) are headed to court. And when I am called in, I am going to be so goddamned smug. You think your mother yelling at you in front of the officers at the precinct was embarrassing? I'll be on fucking court record insulting you two fucktards.

YOU ARE RETARDED. YOU ARE GODDAMNED IDIOTS, THE BOTH OF YOU. YOU ARE FUCKTARDED, COCKMONGLING ASSCLOWNS. YOU HAVE BEEN CAUGHT AND YOU ARE ROYALLY SCREWED. YOU ARE LOWER THAN A SNAKES TESTICLES, AND I WISH AIDS UPON YOU AND YOUR NEXT OF KIN. YOU GODDAMNED DOUBLE NIGGERS. NAY, TRIPLE NIGGERS. ENJOY YOUR JUVIE.

LOL.

AND FUCK YOU FOR TEARING OFF MY GLOOMY BEAR STICKER, COCKBUCKETS.

MOAR MiSTED FANFICTION, YOU SAY?

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 06:18:35 GMT

Shades of Ambivalence

by LittleCloud

MiSTED by SeaweedPrincess

All Lulz Reserved

(Theater Opening Sequence. Crow, Joel and Tom Servo enter the theater grumbling.)

Joel: Well, at least the title seems to be spelled correctly. That’s a good sign.
Tom: Somehow, I think something more sinister than typos and grammatical errors is lurking here…

>>"I know you're out there, you miserable beast," the sorceror

Tom: “Sorceror?”

>>grumbled, lifting his head momentarily from his work to glance out the small window. He was hearing the noises again.

Crow: (As Sorcerer) For Christ’s sake, won’t somebody PLEASE kill that man upstairs?

>>The benign grumbling and scratching against the dungeon walls.

Joel: Can grumbling really be benign?
Tom: It’s grumbling while baking you cookies!

>>"Enjoy your time, for it grows shorter." he told it, although he was almost certain the creature beyong the walls could neither hear nor comprehend his words.

Crow: Then what’s the point of even saying it aloud?
Joel: Man likes to talk to himself. Don’t judge.

>>"I've just the right poison for you, you wretched thing."

Tom: (as Sorcerer) I’m going to kill him with kindness!

>>More growling and snuffling sounds.

Crow: Sentence incomplete.

>>These sounds were made by a dragon. An odd dragon, at that.

Joel: He liked to dress up like Judy Garland and dance around the living room with his cats.

>>Not at all like the traditional green fire-breathers that were seen in Delain once upon a time.

Tom: Just so you know, this is a fan fiction for Stephen King’s “Dark Tower” series.
Crow: Are there any killer dogs or killer clowns or killer little girls in this?
Tom: I don’t think so, no.
Crow: I’ve lost interest.

>>This was a foreign dragon. Heard, but not seen.

Joel: Oh, so it’s invisible!

>>Furthermore, it was never reported to have caused anyone any sort of harm. It merely seemed to be searching for something.

Tom: Its contacts.

>>Nevertheless, the people of Delain would not feel at ease until the creature was cast out. Thus, the Kingdom had turned to Flagg, the King's sorceror, for a solution.

Crow: A FINAL solution… heh heh heh heh…

Joel: That joke wasn’t at all appropriate.

>>Flagg, being who he was -- wicked, that is -- chose to kill it.

Tom: HE NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU, YOU BIG MEANIE!

>>The magician tittered

Crow: “Tittered”?
Joel: That’s not something you’d expect a grown man to do.

>>gleefully at the thought of his own sinister plans, and added the finishing touches to the vile, glowing, green brew he had concocted during the night.

Tom: Because deadly potions and formulas are ALWAYS green. Always.

>>After a while, almost surprisingly, the dragon had given up its feeble attempts to get Flagg's attention and had floated away into the night.

Crow: Well, Flagg’s sure gonna look stupid in the morning. NEXT TIME DRAGON-PROOF YOUR DUNGEON!

>>The only other sound it had made was a barely audible thump near a window sometime later.

Tom: Long after the dragon left. Wait, huh?

>>The magician had slept soundly for the remainder of the night; dreaming his dark dreams,

Joel: (as Flagg) Oh, Nancy… come away with me, you don’t need Ronald anymore…

>>scheming his dark schemes. But come morning time he would be in for a rude awakening.

Crow: He woke up next to Rosie O’Donnell.
Others: EWWWWWWW!

>>For the first thing that he saw when he had awakened was a small, slumbering form curled up by his fireplace.

Tom: (as Flagg) SANTA FINALLY GAVE ME A PUPPY!

>>It appeared to be a pre-pubescent child with golden hair

Joel: Goldilocks?
Crow: The bed that was just right was taken.

>>that stood up in a queer way, not unlike a cock's comb.

Crow: Heh… he said “Cocks.”

>> The child was wearing a simple white priest's robe with a hood; it was the exact opposite of what Flagg usually wore.

Tom: Which was some sexy lingerie and a silk night robe. FABULOUS!

>>Feeling acutely pissed, the sorceror whipped his blankets away fiercely and got out of his chair, preparing to give the boy a swift kick.

Joel: (as Flagg) How DARE you sleep in front of my fire!

>>If there was anything worse than an intruder in his dungeon apartments, it was a little brat.

Crow: (as Flagg) Freakin’ KIDS! I’m glad I was never one!

>>He hesitated, however, as the child stirred.

Tom: This made Flagg more angry, as he had wanted the child shaken.

>>He rolled over and opened his eyes slowly. His eyes were an unusually bright blue. They seemed to glow.

Crow: In the dark?
Joel: I think we found our Mary Sue, guys.

>>"What are you doing in here?" Flagg hissed. The boy looked up at him coyly.

Tom: “Coyly” is not a word I would use to describe a little boy.

>>"I don't know," he replied. A soft, cherubim voice.

Crow: Another sentence fragment.

>>"How did you get in here?"

Tom: (as the boy) The front door? DOH-HO-HO!

>>"I don't know."
>>"Don't play dumb with me, child! Don't you know who I am?" said the magician, raising his voice.

Crow: I said, Mister Motherfucker, do you know who I am?
Tom: No, and I don’t give a good goddamn!
Joel: Where’d you learn that kind of language?
Crow: … The internet.

>>"They call you Flagg, but your real name is Walter," the little boy responded. This made Flagg's eyes widen in surprise for a moment, but he continued to hover intimidatingly over the child.

Crow: GIANT. FLOATING. EYES.
Joel: Kid needs to start up his own psychic hotline.

>>Flagg was frightened by the fact that this strange child knew something that no one could possibly know.

Tom: Birth certificates weren’t invented yet, obviously.

>>He decided that he would have to change his plans, and keep the boy closer. It was for his own benefit to keep the child from exposing this private information to the public, and who knows what else he was capable of knowing? For this reason, Flagg knew he must either fish some answers out of the boy, or else...

Crow: Or else EARTH would be DOOMED.

>>He had an idea.

Tom: I shall create an artificial anus!

>>Flagg kneeled down next to the small child and looked at him face-to-face. His voice took on a softer tone.

Joel: A Downy soft tone.

>>"I pray thee, what is your name, child?"
>>"Little Cloud Strife."

All: WHAT?!
Crow: OH GOD IS THIS A CROSSOVER?

>>Little Cloud? Flagg thought it was a sissy name for a sissy-looking boy.

Tom: Get that sissy boy to do some push-ups!

>>"And you are an altar boy, is that right?" he asked the child, who simply nodded.

Crow: An altar boy?
Tom: I’m not sure I like where this is going…

>>"Well, as you may know," Flagg said, smiling, "I am no priest, but I think that you can be of some assistance to me. How would you like that?"

Joel: Maybe we’re looking too much into this...

>>"Yes, yes! That must be why I'm here, right?" the little boy giggled, his sapphire eyes twinkling with glee.

Crow: (as Little Cloud) Wheeee, I’m a magical pixie!

>>The child's odd nature was making Flagg think. Hard.

Joel: Well, that’s subtle.

>>He didn't like that.

Tom: (as Flagg) I hate thinking.

>>"Tell me, Little Cloud," the magician said, as sweetly as he could manage, "How would you like to see a dragon?"

Crow: It’s in my pants.
Joel: Aw, Crow!

>>The boy's eyes lit up even more brightly.

Tom: They’re so bright, that they can be seen from space by now.

>>"Really? I love dragons!" he beamed, cupping his cheeks with his long-sleeved hands.

Crow: Which cheeks?
Joel: CROW!

>>Oh, this is too delicious, thought Flagg, trying to mask his grin beneath the shadows of his dark hood.

Crow: OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP!
Tom: This was written by a NAMBLA member, wasn’t it, Joel?
Joel: Let’s… let’s not jump to any conclusions, guys…

>>"Wonderful, wonderful. You must be a very brave boy, indeed!" he nodded, "I'll tell you what. If you do a good job serving under me, then I'll have a surprise ready for you. A big, scaly surprise."

Crow: OH NO, EXCEMA!
Joel: You know what? I’m not even going to say anything anymore.

>>Little Cloud stood up and hopped up and down a few times, cheering and giggling.

Tom: (as Little Cloud) We’ve got spirit! Yes we do!

>>Although Flagg thought the boy's behavior was quite stupid looking, he knew better than to underestimate this young fellow. This pixie.

Joel: This monkey’s gone to heaven.

>>Over the next couple of weeks, Little Cloud was assigned various tasks by Flagg.

Tom: Like making sneakers in Kathy Lee Gifford’s private sweatshop.

>>His chores were simple, but enough to keep him busy. Such included were cleaning, sorting, and tending to the caged animals.

Joel: And doing Flagg’s taxes, discovering cold-fusion, creating perpetual motion…

>>In the meantime, King Roland pressed the sorceror

Tom: SORCERER!

>>about the dragon problem. Flagg assured him, however, that he had the predicament well under control, and that it would only be a matter of time before it would be resolved.

Crow: (as King Roland) Goddammit, this is the fifth dragon you’ve lost too! You know what? You’re not allowed t have any dragons anymore. You can’t handle the responsibility.

>>One day, Little Cloud was sweeping up the floor by one of the poison cabinets, when he accidentally knocked dowh

Tom: “DOWH?!”

>>a small vial of green liquid. It had shattered to pieces, and the green fluid inside bubbled and smoked.

Joel: Uh-oh.
Crow: (muted trumpet sound) Wah-wah-waaahhh…

>>Little Cloud wanted to hide the mess, but he couldn't clean it. He was afraid of what would happen if he were to go near the strange poison.

Joel: Go on, touch it, you’ll mutate just like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

>>As if he had heard what had just happened, Flagg had returned to his dungeon apartments a few moments later and saw the mess lying beside the nervous child.

Tom: Oh, that adorable little scamp.

>>There was an angry blaze in his reddish eyes.

Crow: You can almost hear “Night on Bald Mountain” starting up.

>>My...dragon poison...destroyed! he observed.

Joel: Doesn’t he have a rolodex or something so he remembers all his potions?
Tom: They weren’t invented yet.

>>Flagg was enraged, but he knew it was vital to keep his temper under control, or it would cost him the boy's loyalty and trust.

Crow: This just keeps getting creepier and creepier.

>>He had to keep reminding himself that the poison wasn't like Dragon Sand -- it was far easier to obtain and required less caution when handling.

Tom: Why, you could juggle them like bowling pins!

>>However, apprentice or no, Flagg felt it was necessary to practice discipline on the child.

Joel: Uh-oh.

>>"I-I'm sorry, mister Flagg," Little Cloud seemed to be paralyzed in the sorceror's

Tom: SORCERER.

>>death glare, like a small animal under the hypnosis of a cobra.

Crow: Or Hypno-Toad.

Tom and Joel: ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-TOAD.

>>"Of course you are, little one, of course you are," Flagg said calmly, after forcing himself to take a deep breath. His fists were still shaking.

Crow: WITH R-R-R-RAAAAAGE!

>>"It was only an accident, but you must learn to exercise more caution. The contents found in that specific cabinet are dangerous substances.

Joel: That’s what the Mr. Yuck sticker was on there for.

>>If something awful had happened to you while I was away, well, then, that would be a grave situation, now wouldn't it?"

Tom: Not nearly as grave as this fan fiction.

>>Little Cloud nodded slowly, his shoulders hunched, and his head pointed downwards.

Crow: That is how the reader knows he is feeling ashamed and guilty, you know.
Joel: He’s not the only one.

>>"Now, you have broken one of my creations, and I must see to it that you are properly chastised."

Tom: (as Flagg) OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

>>The child subconsciously grabbed the broom beside him and started wringing the handle nervously.

Crow: (as Little Cloud) HELP ME, BROOM!

>>"Now, how do you suppose I should go about doing this?" Flagg asked, placing one hand under his chin thoughtfully, "How should a clumsy little boy be punished?"

Tom: EXTERMINUS.

>>There was a pause.

Joel: Yeah? And?

>>"Well?," Flagg said, gesturing toward the boy, the sound of his voice breaking the silence, making him jump, "What say you?"

Crow: (as Little Cloud) Uh, how about you give me enough ice cream to make me sick?

>>"I don't know," he said softly, "I'm n-not sure," his eyes darted around anxiously.

Tom: He’s looking for an escape from this story too!

>>Flagg took a few steps closer toward the wall. He turned around and Little Cloud watched as he took down something that was hanging on a hook.

Joel: It was Captain Hook’s arm.
Crow: (gasps)

>>"Tell me, then," he said with his back still facing Little Cloud, "Do you think a sound paddling would help him learn to be more careful whilst doing his chores?"

Tom: Or send him to bed without supper? That might work, too.

>>Not so confident and carefree now, are you, my young priest? the sorceror thought, trying not to smile.

Tom: SORCE- Oh, you know what? Forget it.
Crow: That’s it. Flagg’s definitely a pedo.
Joel: Hold on, let’s just see how this turns out, guys.

>>"Yes," Little Cloud uttered, trembling.

Crow: I’m trembling, too. Hold me, Joel.

>>"What was that now?" Flagg asked, turning around and wielding a flat, wooden paddle.

Tom: You want some MORE, you say? GET OUT OF MY ORPHANAGE!

>>The boy cleared his throat and repeated what he had said, in a louder tone this time.

Crow: (as Little Cloud) I said, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too, sir.

">>'Yes' what, my dear child?" he asked, patting his palm with the flat end of the object.

Joel: Geez, this is agonizing…

>>"I think I deserve a p...paddling, mister Flagg...sir." A blush crept up his neck and into his pale cheeks. Suddenly, the magician's robes felt a bit tighter.

Tom: I KNEW IT!
Joel: Oh, God.
Crow: DO NOT WANT!

>>Flagg coughed.

Tom: Sorry, I got a toenail in my throat.

>>By gods, what's the matter with me? he thought, feeling slightly alarmed.

Crow: YOU? WHAT ABOUT THE AUTHOR?

>>"I agree. Now, come hither," Flagg beckoned.

Joel: You guys can’t watch this. I’m pretty sure this is illegal.

>>Little Cloud hesitated. He was very scared. He knew what kind of man Flagg was, and how it was a mistake to be on his bad side. But he was sure that it was an even worse mistake to disobey the magician's orders.

Tom: At last she can spell “magician.”

>>The boy walked slowly over to Flagg, who suddenly grabbed him by the hair, making him cry out.

Crow: He likes it when they cry…

>>He was dragged painfully over to "the chair" where Flagg often fell asleep reading spellbooks, and after the sorceror took a seat there, was thrust belly side down over his lap, squirming and making soft noises filled with fear.

Joel: Just like the readers.

>>Flagg did not say anything. The only thing Little Cloud could hear was the sorceror's breathing, which was heavy and shallow.

Tom: (as Flagg) This… This is so… HOT.
Crow: OH NO, IT’S NOT!

>>He felt his robes being flung over his back, exposing his underpants. The hands that reached under the hem and eased them off his body were very chilly and made him shiver.

Joel: This story has just gained the Michael Jackson seal of approval, apparently.

>>A long pause went by.

Crow: (Cricket chirping noises)

>>Little Cloud had braced himself for pain, but it had not come just yet. He did not know it, but the sight of his pale rear end was giving Flagg a rather painful flashback.

Tom: OH GOD! NOT ‘NAM! DAMN YOU, NIXON!

>>Walter had been traveling with his friends for a few days now. It was a long way to where he was going, but he was having the most exciting time of his life on the road.

Joel: (singing) On the road again… I can’t wait to get on the road again…

>>But one night, his life would change forever.

Tom: Somebody told him that Snape killed Dumbledore before he got to read the sixth Harry Potter book.
Crow: NO!

>>As he was watching the sun set in the gorgeous Delain summer sky, the young dark haired boy was accompanied by an older boy. He wasn't too close with this fellow traveler yet, but the older boy had been very friendly to him on their journey.

Joel: (nervously) Probably a little TOO friendly.

>>They had been talking for a while, and the sky began to darken, the stars twinkling brightly. The other travelers had made camp and had gone to bed, except for Walter and his companion.

Tom: You know… his “companion.”
Crow: This story is becoming gayer than Richard Simmons making out with Chris Crocker while listening to The Village People.

>>He didn't quite remember what had happened next, but soon after, the older boy had harassed him. He was stripped naked, and was forced to do something terrible.

Joel: He was forced to play Skip-Bo.

>>The older boy stroked Walter's dark brown hair as he held the younger boy's head down to do his bidding.

Crow: WE DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THIS!

>>Walter was crying and choking on the terrible taste of the organ forced in and out of his mouth.

Tom: Pancreas?
Joel: Uh… no, Servo.
Crow: I WISH it was pancreas…

>>Next came the worst. The older one got on top of Walter and began to defile him.

Tom: He rearranged all his files so that they were no longer in alphabetical order.

>>Walter's blue-green eyes were flooded with tears and his screams were loud enough to make the crows fly away in alarm. He was being torn apart from the inside, and there was nothing that he could do. Walter was no longer innocent.

Crow: He dun’ got raped!
Joel: Stop that, Crow.

>>After that night, everyone went their seperate

Tom: Separate.

>>ways. Most significantly, did Walter, who swore his revenge not only on the bastard who raped him, but all of Delain.

Joel: It wasn’t Delain’s fault that you got raped, you know.

>>That was when the crows returned. And with them, the Crimson King, who promised Walter he would have all that he desired in exchange for his soul and servitude. Still driven with rage and vengeance, Walter had eagerly agreed. Thus, he became a powerful sorceror and necromancer and has lived many different lives for hundreds of years, sowing chaos and strife, but particularly in his birthplace, Delain.

Crow: Is this… a plot?
Tom: Don’t worry, it won’t be around much longer.

>>"They call you Flagg, but your real name is Walter." Trembling with rage, Flagg delivered a loud, sharp smack upon the child's skin.

Crow: (as Little Cloud) OWWIES! HELP ME, TIFA!

>>Little Cloud cried out in pain as he was flogged over and over, harder and harder, as he received the pain that was reflected in Flagg's own tortured soul.

Joel: You know, if this was happening to Sephiroth instead of Cloud, this would explain a lot.

>>Little bastard...you think you know it all, don't you? Well, let's see how you like it, shall we?

Tom: Does Delain have child services? I think somebody needs to call them.

>>Overcome with hatred and the need to inflict his own suffering, as well as some odd sort of lust, Flagg took hold of the boy and and brought him close to his chest, binding him there.

All: (Stunned silence).
Tom: … The author used “and” twice.
Joel: That’s… that’s not what’s wrong with sentence.

>>Little Cloud whimpered as he felt a hot, wet feeling in his ear.

Crow: A wet-willy? PLEASE LET IT BE A WET WILLY!

>>It was Flagg's tongue,

Crow: I HATE YOU, STORY!

>>licking the inside, as his cold hand groped around the front, squeezing and pinching the tiny nipple buds. He then moved downward, stroking the smooth tummy.

Joel: BAD TOUCH! GET OUT OF THERE, CLOUD!
Tom: SUMMON METEOR!

>>Please, don't go any lower, Little Cloud begged, even though his breathing matched Flagg's, and he was uttering soft, quiet moans.

Crow: OH GOD, HE WANTS IT! WHY?!
Tom: Little floozy.

>>Instead, as the warm tongue continued to lick and twist in his ear, the hand probed around his bottom, looking for...yes, there it was.

Joel: I hope he was looking for his keys.

>>He started caressing the little dimple with his fingers.

Crow: I hate the internet now. I hate it so much.

>>"Mmm...aaa...," murmered Little Cloud, as two of the very cold digits began to slide inside. He tightened his muscles to try to deny them any further, but it only seemed to increase the good feeling they made.

Tom: Didn’t he watch the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon? That kind of touching is NOOOOO GOOOOOD.
Joel: I think we’re reading fan fiction by a registered sex offender.

>>Flagg's other hand moved up to the boy's mouth, stroking his lips. Little Cloud stuck out his own tongue and licked the fingers, which followed his tongue into the tiny, wet mouth, where they were suckled on.

Tom: Because that is exactly what any young, prepubescent boy would do.

>>At the same time, he was beginning to grind his bottom against the other two fingers, moaning a little bit harder.

Crow: KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND MATERIA! KILL IT DEAD! (sobs)

>>He's enjoying it!...And...so...am I... Flagg thought, shivering and pushing his fingers harder into the tight warmth.

Joel: Oh, good, at least SOMEBODY is enjoying this.

>>Little Cloud looked up at Flagg's face. He began to kiss his pale neck and lick him sweetly.

Tom: Obviously, Little Cloud was previously a child prostitute before coming to work for Flagg.
Crow: I’m never going to look at Final Fantasy VII the same way again…

>>Flagg, who had removed his wet fingers for this, bent down and licked the child's lips, and they began to kiss passionately, their tongues running over each other, both moaning and breathing hard.

Joel: You know, I don’t even think that Little Cloud is a kid any more. I think he might be a midget.
Crow: A sex dwarf, huh? That… that would make this more bearable…

>>Flagg led Little Cloud's hand down to between his legs, where the tiny hand found a very big, hard something-or-other

Tom: So, THAT’S what they’re calling now nowadays.

>> beneath the black robes. He squeezed it curiously, and Flagg made a queer noise.

Crow: You know, it’s stuff like this that really makes me question the orientation of the Mads.
Joel: I’d rather not think about that, Crow.

>>The sorceror then took his own moist hand and brought it down to Little Cloud's groin, where he rubbed some of the wetness

Tom: Anal seepage.

>>onto the soft patch of skin above his sensitive parts.

Tom: Little boy penis.

>>The boy began to giggle.

Crow: Any real little boy would be bawling his eye out right about now.

>>Flagg smiled and tickled him with his lubricated fingers,

Tom: Lubricated with BUTT JUICE.

>>enjoying his reaction, as he gently pushed his other two fingers in a bit deeper.

Tom: Into Little Cloud’s ANUS.
Joel: Please stop that Tom. This is painful enough as it is.

>>As he did, they slid over a delicate spot inside,

Crow: Prostate.
Joel: Oh, not you too?

>>and Little Cloud cried out loudly, arching his back. There was a small squirt of warm, sticky liquid inside his robes,

Tom: Semen.
Joel: I think I’m feeling sick.

>>and he began to pant, his eyes watering with tears. He collapsed against Flagg's chest, holding on tightly.

Crow: OH GOD, KILL THIS STORY WITH FIRE!

>>Flagg removed his fingers and held the child for a few moments, letting the youth catch his breath. He sounded as if he had been running a marathon.

Tom: Well, rape does that to you.

>>"How would you like to see that dragon?" Flagg whispered into his ear, grinning wickedly.

Joel: Well, you called it, Crow.

>>Little Cloud nuzzled him and said that he would love to, at which that point the mage opened his dark robes and took out his "magic wand".

Crow: (Dry heaves)

>>Little Cloud eyed it with wonder.

Tom: Why, it’s downright magical!

>>That's not a dragon, that's just a dinky.

Joel: Oh, so it’s THAT small.
Crow: Small comfort.

>>"This dragon is looking for a nice, warm, little tunnel to play in," he whispered softly. Little Cloud cocked his head, and he added, "Just like in your bottom."

Tom: Later, on Law and Order, Little Cloud would be asked by a prosecutor to show the court where Flagg touched him on a doll.

>>Little Cloud thought it was a game, so he eagerly volunteered.

Crow: This is… this story is bad and the author should feel bad. (Cries)
Joel: (Hugs Crow) It’s okay, buddy, it’s okay… not much longer.
Crow: MAKE THE BAD THINGS STOP, DADDY!

>>When he turned around and showed him his rump, Flagg swallowed hard and quivered.

Tom: What was he swallowing, exactly?
Crow: BAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!
Joel: Oh, come on, Tom, have a little heart.

>>"Now sit down very slowly, yes, that's it," his hand guided him down lower and lower until his tailbone met something hot and blunt. From there, something queer had happened.

Tom: This fan fiction.
Joel: That’s not very sensitive, Tom.
Tom: You’re right. This story is an insult to homosexuals everywhere.

>>"Walter not like!" Little Cloud groaned. Flagg's eyes widened. Blood began to trickle from inside of the boy, and he was moaning and shaking.

Crow: HIS ANUS IS BLEEDING!
Tom: YIPPIE!

>>"Don't hurt Walter!! You're scaring him -- stop!! Get off of him! Please! For God's sake, don't do it!! Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy! Make it stop! It hurts so bad! I'm dying! Somebody help me! God, where are you!? Help me!"

Joel: WELL IT’S ABOUT TIME!

>>Flagg was so terrified that he immediately lost his erection altogether, and all he could do was stare.

Crow: YES! THERE IS SOME JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!

>>I cannot go through with this...the pain is too much to bear, even after all these years.

Tom: Might as well turn yourself in to Chris Hansen now, Flagg.
Joel: Yes! Please! For the love of God!

>>"You deserve it, you fool. You know that the sacrifice must be a virgin."

Crow: Huh?

>>The voice of the Crimson King. He was the one who had planted the wicked idea in Flagg's mind for the disposal of the dragon.

Tom: Please, think of the environment. Recycle all of you dragons instead of just throwing them away.

>>He was to use the young virgin priest as bait to attract the beast. The child would have to consume the poison, and then the dragon would unknowingly devour the child and die quickly.

Crow: Dammit, now I REALLY hate Flagg!

>>"Stop it!" Flagg cried, and the child fell on the floor. When he moved again, he sat up weakly and started to cry softly.

Tom: (as Little Cloud, sobbing) I was looking forward to taking it in the pooper from a creepy old man…

>>"I'm sorry," he uttered feverishly, and collapsed in a heap in Flagg's lap.

Joel: That would be touching if it wasn’t so revolting.

>>"No, it is I who should be sorry for hurting you, Little One," Flagg whispered, stroking the boy's hair. The boy did not respond.

Tom: I hope you don’t mind the years of trauma, guilt, and nightmares.

>>There was a poison-tipped glass shard sticking out of his back.

Crow: OH NO, NOT NECROPHILA!
Joel: This just keeps sinking lower and lower…

>>The poison! Flagg's mind screamed, The mess was never cleaned up!

Tom: D’OH!

>>It was true. Although on the other side of the room, the broken glass must have scattered when it hit the floor.

Crow: Well, NOW you think of it!

>>It was too late. The child would die now before the dragon could even be summoned. Flagg was filled with a numbing bitterness that he assumed would be sadness, had he not had a damned soul. He closed his eyes and emitted a long, heavy, mournful sigh.

Joel: Great, I killed yet another nubile young ward.

>>Little Cloud began to glow.

Tom: Is the poison supposed to do that? Because this kid glows a lot.
Crow: HE’S REACHED HIS LIMIT BREAK! ATTACK HIM, CLOUD!

>>Flagg's eyes quickly snapped open and he watched the tiny body lift up into the air and begin to change.

Joel: Oh, I’ve seen this before, just like Beauty and the Beast.

>>It became longer and longer and his hair grew long and silky. When the glow faded a bit, Flagg could see an Eastern Dragon -- something he had only read about in his spellbooks.

Tom: Well, now we know where the dragon went.
Crow: FUCK YOU, FLAGG, I’M A DRAGON!
Joel: You keep cursing like that, I’m going to take away all your Kevin Smith movies.

>>It was a slender, scaly beast with long hair and feelers. Its face was almost wolf-like, and overall it was of a purple hue.

Tom: Wasn’t it Vincent that changed shape like this in Final Fantasy VII?
Joel: I think so, but I don’t think he ever turned into a dragon.

>>"There is no need to be sorrowed, Walter. I am Little Cloud, and I am the dragon. I will be all right."

Crow: “No, Little Cloud… you ARE the dragons. And then Cloud was a dragon.”

>>When it spoke, an adult female's voice emitted from it in an echoing flow of sound. Her mouth did not move while she was talking.

Joel: Just like in Princess Mononoke.

>>"Who are you? Why are you here?" Flagg inquired. He recalled asking these same questions to the sweet little boy not long ago.

Tom: (as Flagg) How am I supposed to rape a dragon? Aw, geez…

>>"I have come from the future to visit you. You will remember who I am a very long time from now. I must leave now, and take your memories of Little Cloud along with me."

Crow: I remember the first Pokemon movie having a similar ending to this.
Tom: You watched that?
Crow: DON’T JUDGE ME!

>>"But...why, I pray thee?" Flagg frowned, tears forming in his red eyes.

Tom: Just to mess with you, you silly bastard.

>>"Walter, you are not a wicked man, but you must live out your destiny as the half-demon servant of the devil. This is the way things must be, but when the time comes, you will remember me and your life will change."

Joel: It’ll suck even more.

>>"But I am damned to hell forever. It's certain," the sorceror said.

Crow: Well, if you weren’t before, you sure are NOW.

>>"That is not for me to decide. However, you have done a good thing when you showed mercy towards the innocent.

Tom: WHAT? Oh, that is bull…

>>You still have a heart, and therefore a chance."

Joel: What heart? He just has a lust for litte boys now!

>>Little Cloud bent down and gave Flagg one last kiss.

Crow: Ewww, now he’s kissing dragons!

>>"Don't leave me."
>>"I love you Walter. Farewell."

Tom: Alas, they simply are not meant to be…

>>When the sorceror awoke in his chair that morning, he was troubled by both a headache and a cloudy feeling in his head.

Joel: “Cloudy”, you say?

>>He had kept thinking that something was missing, but he had no idea of what that could possibly be. He only knew that he had forgotten something very important, and it had disturbed him all day.

Crow: He forgot to turn his oven off, and his house immediately burst into a fireball that could be seen from space. PLEASE!

>>When King Roland had asked him if he had taken care of the dragon problem, Flagg's eyes narrowed. There was a thunderstorm all week long that had made rumbling thunder noises similar to a dragon's growl.

>>"My Lord King, there was never any dragon," he assured him, "It was only a little cloud."

Tom: That’s it? He’s not raped to death by bears or anything?
Crow: I hate this story. I hate this author. I think I hate everything now.
Joel: Well, that’s the end you guys. And remember, kids: if you write a story like this about an old man falling in love with a little boy with this kind of detail, you’re a pedophile. Stay safe!
Crow: I’m calling Chris Hansen. Somebody needs to have a seat.

(Author’s Note: Little Cloud, you’re a filthy fucking pedo. This is proof enough. Become an hero before you molest some kids and fuck them up for life.

Also, if anybody has any choice fan fics they want MiSTED, let me know.)

Back from New Yawk

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 01:19:00 GMT

If you guys have never been to Times Square, go. Especially at night. It is ADD heaven. There are lights and screens and blinky shit EVERYWHERE. And also the biggest stores EVAR.

They have a motherfucking ferris wheel and an animatronic T-Rex in the Toys 'r' Us. The Virgin Megastore has a LIVE DJ SPINNING TUNES. FOR SERIOUS.

You'd need to see it for yourself. I should go up there again sometime. I didn't see enough.

MiSTed FAN FICTION? IN MY LIVEJOURNAL?

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 08:38:15 GMT

More likely than you think.

The entire thing is pretty tl;dr. Read and give me some feedback.

SPEED RACER’S CHRISTMAS

Fanfiction by Mike Roach

MiSTed by SeaweedPrincess

I did it for the lulz.

(Theater Opening sequence. Crow, Joel and Tom Servo are seen shuffling into the theater grumbling. They take their seats in the theater.)

>>Speed Racer's Christmas

Crow: Aw man, just by the title alone I already know this is gonna suck.

Joel: C’mon, Crow, we can give it the benefit of the doubt, it might not be so bad…

Crow: Kill me.

>>Written by Mike Roach

Tom: Because when you hear the name “Roach,” you think “quality.”

>>Disclaimer:I DO NOT own the rights to Speed Racer or anything, anyone, or any characters associated with it. And I also don't own the rights to any of the music used in this story.

Crow: Oh God, this is gonna have song lyrics quoted in it, isn’t it?

Tom: Quoting song lyrics makes the story like, deep, man.

>>This is just a fan fiction. Please do not sue me.

Crow: Asking for it.

Joel and Tom: Oh, yeah.

>>Legend:
>>*-Lyrics to background music (if there is background music in any scenes) ( and )-Character actions.

Joel: Wait, there are lyrics for the character’s actions?

Tom: Well, yeah, it’s kind of like a rock opera or something. Or a rock ballet.

Crow: So, this is gonna be like Speed Racer meet’s Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Gotcha.

>>(fade to shot of the city skyline. Wait a few seconds then camera moves slowly leftward. After 10 seconds, fade to camera zooming in onto a street corner for 5 seconds, then fade to still shot of the street corner.

Joel: Are these camera actions really necessary? What, is he planning to make a movie out of this?

Crow: Don’t give him any ideas.

>>Mach 5 comes speeding by, cut to close up of Speed in Mach 5)

Tom (as Speed): Surely I am going to make it back home in time to be able to save Christmas and find out who Racer X is!

>>Speed (narration):It all started on the night of Christmas Eve. I had done all my shopping for everyone, and me, Trixie and my family were planning a big holiday party to invite all our friends.

Crow: Is the monkey invited?

>>I'm really looking forward to seeing all my friends.

Joel: All one of them.

>>Speed:(turns on the radio)

Tom: Because tuning into the radio will reveal a critical plot point, right?

Crow: Don’t bet on it.

>>Music:"Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)" by The Darkness

Tom: TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

>>Speed:(turns the volume up)

Joel: Oh, I see what he’s doing, he’s superimposing his taste in music onto characters that aren’t his, listening to music that was made over thirty years after this cartoon was made…

Crow: That makes perfect sense.

>>*Feinging joy and surprise at the gifts we despise over mulled wine with you
>>On the 25th day of the 12th month
>>The sleigh bells are in time ringing true
>>How we cling each Noel to that snowflakes and hope in hell
>>that it won’t end

Tom: Hey, Joel, aren’t most people in Japan Shintoists?

Joel: Well, yeah, but they still sort of celebrate Christmas anyway…
Crow: Huh.

>>Don’t let the bells end
>>Christmas time, just let them ring in peace.*

Tom: GUITAR SOLO!

(All three proceed to make electric guitar noises)

>>(fade to Speed's house, with Speed pulling up)

Crow: Well, that last scene was very important and not at all a waste of time.

Joel: Of course not.

>>Speed pulls into the driveway and turns the radio and car off, and hops out.

Tom: The car has a big on/off switch inside.

Joel: Something tells me that the guy who wrote this doesn’t know how to drive.

>>Speed:(walks over to the front door and opens it, then walks in) Hey everyone! I'm back!

Crow: Aw, goddammit, he’s back! Everybody out, party over.

>>Music:"Oh Christmas Tree" by Billy Idol

Joel: Because nothing says “festive” like Billy Idol.

>>Trixie:(walks over to Speed) Welcome home, honey.

Tom: “Honey?” What, are they married now?

Crow: Don’t ask me, I never watched this stupid cartoon.

>>(Speed and Trixie kiss each other)

Everyone: D’AWWWW!

>>Speed:Where is everybody?

Tom (as Trixie): Hacked to pieces and fed to the German Shepards!

>>Pops:They haven't shown up yet. (hears Spritle and Chim Chim trying to steal cake, and turns his head to them)

Crow: Hey! Who do you think you are, stealing that cake! Lex Luthor?

Joel: Huh?

Crow: … Never mind.

>>Hey! Quit messing with the cake, or I'll tell Santa not to bring you anything!

Tom (as Willy Wonka): YOU GET NOTHING!

>>Spritle and Chim Chim:(sad looks on faces)

Joel: Oh, those loveable little scamps…

>>Speed:You can't have any cake yet, Spritle. Nobody's shown up, and besides, nobody can have desert until after dinner.

Crow (angry): Nobody showed up because nobody wanted to come to this stupid party!

Joel: Stay frosty, Crow…

>>Spritle:But I don't wanna wait! I want some candy!

Tom: Cake is candy now?

Joel: Who knew?

>>Chim Chim:Oop oop! (nods head)

Crow: Because it was absolutely necessary to have the monkey have some dialog.

Tom (as Speed): Buzz off, kid.

>>Speed:(puts his arms around Trixie and spins around while holding her up in the air). So what are you looking forward to this Christmas, hun?

Crow (as Trixie): Making a jacket out of your tanned hide and wearing it around the house!

Joel: Crow…

>>Trixie:Nothing much. I really just wanna be by the tree with my man (giggles).

Joel (singing): All I want for Christmaaaasss… is yooooouuu!

>>Speed:Oh, Trixie. You're too much.

Tom (as Speed): Now, get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

>>(Speed and Trixie laugh together)

Everyone: (Laughing forcibly)

Joel: Oh, the fun we have.

>>(Doorbell rings)

>>Speed:I'll get it (lets go of Trixie to answer the door)

Crow (as Speed): I swear to God, if it’s those Jehovah’s Witnesses again, I’m gonna…

>>(opens the door and sees Kim Jugger) Kim! What a surprise! I wasn't expecting you to show up!

Tom (as Kim): Yeah, that’s nice, were you interested in buying any of these Girl Scout cookies, ‘cause if not I got the rest of the block to cover…

Crow: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

>>Kim:Hi, Speed! Merry Christmas!

>>Speed:Same to you, come on in!

Joel (as Kim): Actually, I’m Jewish…

Crow: They have Jews in Japan?

Joel: It’s just a joke, Crow…

>>Kim:(follows Speed inside)

Tom: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this story is ACTION PACKED.

>>Mom Racer:May I take your coat?

Joel: You mean she doesn’t have any other name besides Mom Racer?

>>Kim:Certainly. (takes his coat off and hands it to Speed's mother)

Crow: Wait, whose coat is she taking off, exactly?

Tom: Wait, I think I know. Kim is a dude.

Crow: AW, IT WAS A TRAP ALL ALONG!

>>Speed:Haven't seen you in a while! What made you wanna come here, buddy?

Joel (as Kim): I didn’t, my mom told me I had to or she was gonna ground me…

>>Kim:I wanted to spend Christmas with you, your girlfriend and your family.

Tom (as Kim): But mostly your girlfriend. Hell-oooo, Trixie!

>>I mean, what are friends for?

Crow: Bail money?

>>Trixie:Would you like something to drink, Kim?

Joel (as Kim): Just bring me a whole lotta eggnog, I don’t wanna remember being here…

Crow: I don’t wanna remember this fanfiction.

>>Kim:Sure, Trixie. Root Beer sounds good.

Joel: Something tells me that the author of this fanfiction doesn’t drink, either.

Tom: Among other things.

>>Trixie:(leaves room)

Crow: I AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT!

Joel: maybe if you scooted back a little…

Crow: Oh, thanks… whoa, déjà vu.

>>Speed:So what'cha up to these days? What kinds of wheels you ridin'?

Tom: I’m ridin’ spinnaz.

Crow: I’m ridin’ dirty.

Joel: I’m just low-ridin’.

>>Kim:Oh, I got something really hot. Come outside, lemme show ya.

Tom (as Kim): Car’s hot man, H-O-T, hot! But if the cops ask about me, I wasn’t hear, okay?

>>(Speed and Kim go outside to look at the car)

Joel: Man, this is some gripping stuff, huh.

Crow: I just made that joke, Joel.

>>SCENE:Outside Speed's house

Joel: WHOA! WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS NEW!

Tom: WE’RE OUTSIDE, MAN!

>>Speed:Wow, this is nice.

Crow: Yes, being outside is very… very… nice…

Tom: This story is so mediocre it’s starting to hurt, Joel.

>>Kim:This here is an Acura TSX.

Joel: IT SURE IS!

>>Speed:This is really slick.

Crow: Wait, there’s no description of it or anything…

>>Kim:It has automatic transmission, plus a 205 horsepower, 2.4-liter DOHC i-VTEC inline-4 engine, air conditioning, power seat memory, options to make the front seats heated for when the weather is cold, like now, heh heh, uhh, a 5 disc CD changer, a tape deck, Sirius Satellite Radio, THX sound system.

Crow: I take that back.

Joel: MMMM THAT’S SOME GOOD PRODUCT PLACEMENT!

>>Speed:Wow!

Tom (as Speed): It’s like they’re paying you to say that!

>>Kim:Hang on, I'm not finished! Voice recognition, air bags, also on the sides for extra protection. It can't get any better than this for me.

Crow: Maybe if it could turn into a giant robot…

Joel: No, Crow, don’t give him any ideas for a Transformers/Speed Racer crossover…

Tom: (Shudders)

>>Speed:You must be very proud of it.

Tom (sounding retarded): Doh-ho-ho!

>>Speed doesn't notice a black car pull up and somebody hops out and steals the presents out of the Mach 5.

Everyone gasps in unison.

Crow: IT’S THE GRINCH!

Tom: So, whoever it is just opens up the presumably unlocked Mach 5 and just steals the presents? They don’t bother taking the car too?

Joel: See, the problem is that you’re trying to make sense out of this…

>>Kim:I tell ya, this car is really a dream come true for me.

Tom (as Kim): Wanna hear me brag about my car so more? The warranty is AMAZING!

>>Speed:I bet it is.

Crow (as Speed) Nngh… I’M NOT JEALOUS!

>>Suddently, Speed hears the person from the mysterious car get back in with the presents from the Mach 5.

Everyone: OH, NO!

>>Speed:(turns head to car) Oh! Hey wait!!!!! (car drives off)

Crow (as Speed): Ooooh, that big meanie!

>>Kim:That guy stole the presents from your car!

Tom: Thank you, Master of the Obvious. Anymore observations you’d like to make today?

>>SCENE:Inside

Joel: You know, I heard somewhere that Kurt Cobain was apparently a fan of Speed Racer.

Crow: Uh-huh…

>>Speed and Kim slam the door open and rush in

Tom: Can you really slam a door open?

Joel: I guess if you open it really fast…

>>Speed:Some strange man just stole the presents from the Mach 5!

Crow (as Speed): IT CERTAINLY COULDN’T HAVE BEEN RACER X!

>>Spritle:Oh no!

>>Chim Chim:Oop oop oop oop!!!!

Tom: Again with bothering to give the chimp lines…

>>Pops:You've got to get them back, Speed, or else Christmas will be ruined!!!!!

Joel: More than one exclamation point means it’s serious business.

Crow: Very.

>>Speed:Come on, Kim! We gotta get those presents back!

Tom (angry): Well, of course you do, otherwise there’d be no plot to this stupid story…

Joel: Easy, Servo…

>>Kim:Okay! We'll take my car!

Crow: You know, the one I spent like five minutes bragging about! It’s so awesome!

>>Speed:No! We don't know how fast it can go!

Joel (as Speed): WE NEED AT LEAST WARP EIGHT!

>>Kim:You'd be surprised how fast-

Tom (as Kim): … This story can crash and burn.

>>Speed:Kim, this is no time to screw around! Let's go!

>>Kim:(sigh) Fine.

Crow (as Speed): NO TIME FOR SIGHING, EITHER, MISTER!

>>Speed and Kim run outside and get in the Mach 5.

Tom: They’re not going into the product placement car?

Joel: They aren’t getting paid that much.

>>Speed and Kim drive off after the mysterious car.

Crow: You know, this author doesn’t beat around the bush with his descriptions, at least…

Tom: Yeah, he just beats around the bush with everything else.

>>Music:"Oh Come All Ye Faithful" by Twisted Sister

Joel: Wait, what?

>>*Oh Come All Ye Faithful
>>Joyful and triumphant,
>>Oh come ye, Oh come ye to Bethlehem.
>>Come and behold Him,
>>Born The King Of Angels
>>Oh come, let us adore Him,
>>Oh come, let us adore Him,
>>Oh come, let us adore Him,
>>Christ The Lord.*

Crow: I think I just threw up a little.

Joel: Ew.

>>Speed and Kim chase down the car, and the car puts out spike balls hoping to pop Speed's tires, but Speed uses the jacks and jumps over them.

Tom: You remember that car chase scene from that one movie with that guy?

Joel: Oh yeah, I remember, this is just like that!

Crow: Kill me.

>>Kim:This guy sure is a feisty one!

Joel: Sure is a feisty lil’ varmint! Yee-HAW!

>>Speed:He won't be when I'm done with him! And that's a promise!!!!!

Crow: So, what, is he just gonna chase this guy until he runs out of gas?

Tom: I guess…

>>The driver tries to stop Speed by flaring the thruster (hoping to get them with the fire), but he misses, and so he makes a turn into the trees, and Speed can't see where he is, so he turns on the lights and uses the rotary saws to slice through the trees and tail the driver.

Joel: You know, his writing style reminds me of Faulkner…

Crow: What, do you mean because of the run-on sentences?

Joel: Yeah, that’s it exactly!

>>Speed and Kim slice through trees and drive through the woods for 5 minutes.

Tom: Some exciting stuff happened during that chase scene, but we’re not going to bother getting into that.

>>After getting out of the woods, they get back onto the main road, and they drive for a half an hour.

Joel: Man, this is the longest chase scene EVER.

>>(music fades out, and the camera fades to a shot of an abandoned warehouse with the car parked in front of it)

Tom (as a radio announcer): Elliot Ness and his men had Capone cornered at the old wharf…

>>Speed and Kim see the car parked in front of the warehouse and hit the break.

Crow: They just hit one break, not the breaks.

Joel: As opposed to plowing through the warehouse walls.

>>Speed:Look, Kim! It's that car!

Tom: Well, DUH, you did follow it there!

>>Kim:He must be in that warehouse!

Crow: Uh, DURRRRRRR!

>>Speed:Let's go!

Joel: No weapons, no means of contacting the authorites… oh yeah, they got this covered.

>>Speed and Kim jump out of the Mach 5 and run to the front door and bash it open, but don't break it off. It's dark inside, and it feels as if it's deserted.

Crow: Hey, Joel, this is just like that one movie with that guy where they chase the badguy into that abandoned warehouse…

Joel: Oh, yeah, I remember that movie… What’s it called?

Crow: Eh, I don’t remember.

>>They walk around together for a minute, then Speed lights a match to see, and he sees a member of the Car Acrobatic Team.

Everyone: (Gasps in horror)

Crow: NOT THE CAR ACROBATIC TEAM! Wait, who’re they?

Joel: The guys that drive their cars on tightropes and trapeze swings, I guess.

>>Speed:Ah!!!!!!!!

Crow: AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

>>Suddently, the lights come on, and Speed sees Captain Terror and other CAB members surrounding him

Tom: “Suddently”?

>>Speed:Captain Terror!!!!!!

Joel (as Captain Terror): You were expecting Patrick Swayze?

>>Captain Terror:Well well well, it's been a long time, Speed. I see you brought your umm, friend along.

Crow: You know… your... escort.

Joel: Crow…

>>Speed:It's Christmas Eve, what do you want from me? Why did you take presents away from me to give to my family?

Tom: Nope, that’s not an awkward sentence at all.

Joel: Wait, he took the presents away from Speed Racer’s family to give them to Speed Racer’s family? This is confusing…

>>Captain Terror:I didn't take them, but one of my henchmen DID under my command. You've brought nothing but pain to my life, Speed, and I'm going to get revenge for all the pain you've caused me!!!!!!!

Crow (as Captain Terror): So I’m going to ruin your Christmas. So, nyeh!

>>Kim:Not if we have anything to say about it!

Everyone: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

>>Captain Terror:Two against a whole army of my men? You're out of your mind. ATTACK!

Tom: You know, I can’t understand why he would go through all this trouble for revenge. Why doesn’t he just shoot Speed Racer or something.

Joel: Ah, but he wants to make him suffer.

Crow: I’m already suffering.

>>Music:"I Don't Want To Fight Tonight" by The Ramones

Crow: Gotta love this soundtrack, all right…

>>Speed + Kim and the Car Acrobatic Team members start rushing towards each other, and Speed and Kim begin to fight them off.

Tom: ACTION-PACKED. That bears repeating.

>>*Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
>>Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight
>>Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with you

(Everyone starts dancing along)

>>Where is Santa and his sleigh?
>>Tell me why is it always this way?
>>Where is Rudolph?
>>Where is Blitzon, baby?
>>Merry Christmas, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas

>>All the children are tucked in their beds
>>Sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads
>>Snowball fightin'
>>So exciting baby

>>I love you, and you love me
>>And that's the way it's got to be
>>I need you, from the start
>>'cuz Christmas ain't the time for breakin' each other's heart

>>Where is Santa, and his sleigh?
>>Tell me why is it always this way?
>>Where is Rudolph?
>>Where is Blitzon, baby?
>>Merry Christmas, Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas

>>All the children are tucked in their beds
>>Sugar plum fairies dancing in their heads
>>Snowball fightin'
>>So exciting baby

>>Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I love you, and you love me
>>And that's the way it's got to be
>>I need you, from the start
>>'cuz Christmas ain't the time for breakin' each other's heart*

Tom: Perfect song for a Christmas fight scene. Perfect.

>>Author's Note:Yeah, I know that lyrically, this song ain't really good for this scene, but I wanted to have a little fun and throw in some humor.

Crow: Really? Because if this story had any humor at all, it might be halfway bearable.

>>After fighting off the CAB members, Speed and Kim see Captain Terror getting away.

Tom: Okay, now we’re supposed to assume that two guys managed to hold off a bunch of acrobats all by themselves.

Joel: Well, this is fan FICTION.

>>Kim:He's getting away!

Crow (as Speed): Thanks, Kim, I never would’ve noticed if you hadn’t told me!

>>Speed:Never mind! Let's just get the presents he stole, and get out of here!!!

Tom: And now they’re not going to call the police or ANTHING!

Joel: Calm down, Tom, just go with it.

>>Speed and Kim get the presents from the balcony on the top floor of the warehouse, and then on their way out, they notice that a gas valve has been opened, and a fire has been lit.

Everyone: (Gasps)

Crow: WHAT A TWIST! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING!

>>Speed:Oh no! This place is gonna go sky high! Come on, Kim!

Tom: WAS THE WAREHOUSE COMPLETELY FILLED WITH GASOLINE OR SOMETHING? COME ON!

Joel: Remember kids, it’s not climactic unless there’s an explosion.

>>They rush outside with the presents and get in the Mach 5, and speed off back the way they came

Crow: Well, where else would they go?

>>*Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with-
>>Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight with-
>>Merry Christmas, I don'want to fight tonight with...........*

>>The Warehouse explodes

Crow: I NEVER SAW IT COMING!

>>*you.....................................*

>>(fade to a shot of Speed and Kim in the Mach 5 heading back to Speed's house)

Joel (as Kim): So… did I tell you about how awesome my car is?

>>It's started snowing, so Speed closed the cockpit and put the grip tires on, and it's almost midnight, which means Christmas Day is only several minutes away!

Tom: Man, if I had a dime for all the awkward sentence in this fan fiction…

>>Music:"White Christmas" by Chicago

Crow: This guy’s taste in music is infallible.

>>Speed:We gotta hurry and get these presents back, it's almost midnight!!

Joel: BECAUSE EVERYBODY OPENS THEIR PRESENTS AT EXACTLY MIDNIGHT!

>>"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
>>Just like the ones I used to know
>>Where the treetops glisten,
>>and children listen
>>To hear sleigh bells in the snow

>>I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
>>With every Christmas card I write
>>May your days be merry and bright
>>And may all your Christmases be white"

Tom: I dunno, I kinda liked Bing Crosby’s better.

Crow: Bing Crosby doesn’t rock hard enough for this guy.

Tom: Oh, and Chicago does?

>>(fade to arial view of Speed's house with Speed and Kim pulling in, and the music fading)

>>Speed and Kim walk up to the front door, and open it.

Tom (angry): Well, what ELSE would they do with a front door! Jesus, it’s like the author thinks the readers are all morons!

Crow: Well, I am feeling my IQ drop…

>>Music:"Silent Night" by Lionel Richie

Joel: We’re one Celine Dion song away from this soundtrack being random as hell.

>>Speed and Kim see Pops, Mom, Spritle and Chim Chim, Trixie, Inspector Detector and Racer X all standing around watching them enter

Tom: I thought Racer X was a bad guy…

Crow: I don’t watch this stupid cartoon…

>>*Silent night, holy night
>>All is calm, all is bright*

>>Inspector Detector:Welcome home, Speed

Joel: Don’t worry guys, I think it’s almost over…

>>Speed:Everybody's here! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Tom (as Tiny Tim): God bless us! Every one!

>>*Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
>>Holy Infant so tender and mild
>>Sleep in heavenly peace
>>Sleep in heavenly peace*

Crow (sings): Middle of the road, man, it stanks/Let’s run over Lionel Ritchie with a tank!

Joel: Cut that out, Crow, or I’ll take away all your Bloom County books.

>>Everybody except Racer X (because he'd probably be silent about this) screams "YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Tom: This story’s almost over!

Everyone: YAY!

>>Speed:What made you come, Racer X?

Crow (as Racer X): Captain Terror beat me to stealing your presents.

>>Racer X:Well Speed, you're my best friend. You mean alot to me. I care about you, and I didn't want to be by myself on Christmas.

Joel (as Racer X): … Again.

>>Pops:Well, you're more than welcome to spend the holidays with us!

Tom (as Pops): You’re not a Jew, are you?

>>Speed:There's more to Christmas than just getting lots of gifts. Christmas is about being with your loved ones. Whether it be your boyfriend or girlfriend, your family, or your other friends.

Crow: What the-?

>>Christmas is about being thankful for all you have, and everybody who loves you. Being there for the people who are always there for you. Being nice to people no matter how much they may get on your nerves.

Joel: Being a doormat to everyone who pushes you around!

>>But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be filled with joy and enjoy yourself.

Tom: What is this? Some kind of Christmas special? Oh, wait…

>>Everyone is moved by the speech that Speed just gave.

Crow: I wasn’t.

Tom: Me either.

>>Kim:That was a great speech, Speed.

Joel: That Martin Luther King guy? He’s got nothin’ on you, Speed, nothin’.

>>Suddenly, everybody hears somebody chomping on something, they turn their heads and see Spritle and Chim Chim eating the cake and some cookies.

Everyone: (laughes forcibly)

Tom: Oh, that kooky kid and his monkey.

>>Pops:Hey!!!!!

Joel: Who let you out of the basement!

>>Spritle:We had dinner already! You said we could have desert after we had dinner!

Crow: He’s got you there, Pops.

>>Chim Chim:Oop oop >>OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO P!

>>Everybody laughs

Joel: hey, everybody’s got something to hide except me and my monkey.

>>(fades to another shot of Speed and Trixie in the living room sitting on the couch. Speed's on his left of the couch, and Trixie's on her right of the couch. Speed has his right arm around his girlfriend's neck, and Trixie has her left arm around her man's neck.

Crow: Strangle each other, strangle each other. Do it, DO IT!

>>Everybody else is sleeping. The lights are all turned off except for the Christmas tree lights, and some candles lit. Speed and Trixie wrapped all the presents and put them under the tree, and there's fire lit in the fire place).

Tom (sings): Chesnuts roasting on an open fire…

>>Music:"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" by Lionel Richie

Tom: Oh, never mind.

>>*Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
>>Let your heart be light*

Crow: Oh God, why isn’t it over yet?

>>Speed:I'm so happy to be here with you, Trixie. For once in my life, I'm really comfortable, because I'm not involved in any crazy adventures I have no intention of starting. I'm just here with you and the people I love on Christmas Day. That's all I want. I'm not worried about presents or anything.

Joel: Man, not even the Hallmark channel has movies with dialog this cheesy…

>>Trixie:I know, Speed..... So did Santa give you something to give me?

Tom (as Speed): Oh, yeah, it’s in my pants.

>>Speed:Santa didn't give me anything to give to you....

Crow: Because Santa hates you, Trixie.

>>Trixie:Huh????

>>Speed:I got something for ME to give to YOU. ;)

Crow: That little winking smilie doesn’t mean he’s going to give her what I think he’s going to give her, is he?

Joel: I sure hope not…

Crow: I blame you for this, Servo.

>>Speed reaches out from under the seat cushion and pulls out a present.

Tom: LOOSE CHANGE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

>>Trixie:Hmmm! (Trixie opens it, and sees a black velvet box. She opens it and sees a VERY expensive diamond necklace inside)

Crow (as Mr. Dink): VERY expensive.

>>Oh, Speed, it's beautiful!

>>Speed:Merry Christmas, Trixie.

>>Trixie:May we have more like it.

Joel: “We”?

Tom: Kinda high-maintenance, isn’t she?

>>Speed:I love you.

>>Trixie:I love you too.

Crow: Well, isn’t that the sweetest thing…

>>(Speed and Trixie kiss each other on the lips, after five seconds, the camera zooms out from the living room window, and away to an LCU of Speed's house with the silouhettes of Speed and Trixie on the couch kissing each other)

Joel: Not cliché at all folks, nope…

>>Music:"Home For Christmas" by Hall & Oates

Crow: Another song! Oh, Just end it already!

>>*Leaves are fallin'
>>December is callin'
>>Feels like that time of the year
>>Ooh and a chill in my bones
>>Got me thinking of home
>>And everyone I hold dear
>>If ever I miss my connection
>>Stranded and feeling alone
>>But no matter how mean
>>This hard road treated me
>>I always could find my way home
>>Don't you know

>>That you are in my heart
>>And I always come home for Christmas
>>We're living apart
>>We're so close
>>We're so far
>>I'll still come home for Christmas
>>It might be just for a day
>>But I'll still come home for Christmas
>>Oh how I wish I could stay
>>But the years slip away
>>I come home for Christmas
>>And I'll always come home*

>>Merry Christmas to all, and to all a happy new year, every single Christmas and New Year of your entire life.

Tom: Too late, reading this just ruined it.

>>THE END

Crow: HOORAY!

Joel: Told you we’d make it, guys.

>>Author's Note:You're probably thinking "Why didn't Speed give her an engagement ring????" Well, to be honest, as much as I like Speed and Trixie being together as a couple, I don't think I want them to get married. I still think they are a magnificent couple though. I still wanted Speed to give Trixie something nice and expensive.

Tom: Because the more expensive the gift is, the more you love her, right?

Joel: Let’s get out of here, guys.

Crow: And how!

(Joel lifts up Tom Servo, and Crow is already walking out. They exit, and the theater sequence plays again.)

MiSTer’s Note: This could use some work. Any and all suggestions for maximizing lulz are more than welcome. The remark about Kurt Cobain was purely to piss off the original author, who has been known to have a raging hate boner for Nirvana. Also, the author has Assburgers, and is thus very sensitive. DON’T MAEK FUN OF HIM YOU GAIS!

Original fic found here: http://wilbury.deviantart.com/art/Speed-Racer-Christmas-44957963

BAWWWWWWWWW!

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 00:38:01 GMT

http://community.livejournal.com/deviantartsnark/1367505.html?thread=16766673#t16766673

I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT I'M A WITLESS FAGGOT BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

My Laptop Will Be Okay

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 03:28:26 GMT

For about 15 minutes today, I thought my old laptop would be dead and gone.

Back in December, with a clumsy swing of my arm, I had nearly killed it by spilled a bottle of Coke on it. I AM RESPONSIBLE LAPTOP OWNER FOR SURE. Around February, it started to work again, but by about June or so the "A" and "C" keys wouldn't type. And the "N" was iffy. Also, it was running really, really slow. Like a snail stuck in molasses.

I asked my mother if she would get it fixed for me. She said okay. Three months later and she hadn't even moved it from where I had originally set it down. Of course she whined that she was busy, and she had things to do, and I could pay for it myself. Those things, of course, were working one job about once or twice a week out of boredom, going out to dinner, working out and watching Oprah.

I really should have known better.

So September, I take in the old girl to CompUSA to get it looked at. They said that it'd take about two weeks. Two weeks later I get an email that says that it's "In Process/Pending." Mom gets annoyed that I've been coming over so much to use the computer, and whines about going back and just not paying them if they're going to be that way.

Today I go back and they tell me that the soda had leaked into the systemboard, and replacing it could be anywhere from $500-$1000. I get a sinking feeling in my gut, and ask for a quote as the service rep tries to smile nicely. When you hear news like that, it can get kind of annoying.

After wandering around the store for about 15 minutes, the service rep comes back and apologizes, saying that they had another Sony laptop of a similar make and model that also had soda spilled on it, and mine just needed to have the keyboard replaced. I breathe a huge sigh of relief and I'm glad this isn't a eulogy post for it. The bill is about $209 total.

Oh, and after my mom asked how much I wanted her to chip in for it, after dancing around the issue and not answering my questions, she bluntly says that I should pay for it myself, totally. Which wouldn't bother me at all if she had flat-out said that she didn't want to pay any part of it and gave me some false hope that she might help pitch in for it, since she can afford to burn a hell of a lot more money than I can. Because buying spa treatments is very, very important on her list of priorities.

... I notice a lot of my LJ entires turn into me bitching about my mom. Once I've got my laptop back, hopefully that won't be the case anymore.

And Then Batman Punched Voldemort in the Face.

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 02:45:09 GMT

Today, I was reminded of a copy-pasta I submitted to 4chan some time ago. It went as follows:

Hello, /b/. It's time for me to vent.

I work at a movie theater. It's a sucky, low-level job, but I'm lazy and I'll take what I can get. Now, for the most part, I don't mind most of the people that I work with. But we have some really weird people working here, specifically one guy who's name is Corey. Or, "Core-RAAAAYYY."

He only comes in to work on weekends with his mother. His mother is tolerable enough, save her annoying way of stuttering and holding out the last syllable of any given sentence she says. "Hey, CORE-raaayyyy, what movie you wanna seeeee?" or some such. She apparently has other children, all grown, whom I never see, and she works during the week at an elementary school. The reason why Corey ends up tagging along with her constantly is that I don't believe he has the mental capacity to do anything on his own.

Usually, Corey works as an usher, meaning that he cleans and checks theaters and has little contact with customers. Often he can be seen wandering around aimlessly between sets, trying to strike up conversation with the rest of us. Unfortunately, his conversations are entirely one-sided. No matter what you say to him, it's as if he is unable to process a word you say into anything other than agreeing with him entirely. He has succeeded in fundamentally undermining the foundation of language.

A typical conversation between me and him will go like this:

Corey: Hey, you think it's gonna be busy today?"
Me: I thought I told you to stop talking to me."
Corey: Yeah, I don't think it's gonna be busy today either.
Me: Did you hear anything I said? Leave me alone.
Corey: You think it's gonna be busy?
Me: You just asked that.
Corey: Naw, naw, I don't think it's gonna be busy. Is it? Naw, naw...
Me: Go away.

... And so on. Usually, I use him to vent my frustrations on, as he never, ever gets mad, and he will come up to me out of the blue and say that he's seen my sister, and give an entirely inaccurate description of her, and when I say my sister doesn't look like that at all, he'll insist that YES, it IS my sister, in his usual manner, ignoring what I said.

Today, we had the following conversation after he walked from another conversation I only caught bits and pieces of.

Me: Hey, is Joy still talking about steve Irwin over there?
Corey: Oh, Steve Irwin? How's he doing?
Me: He's dead, Corey. He's been dead for almost a year.
Corey: Oh, really? How's he doing?
Me: He's dead. I just told you that.
Corey: Really? What's he doing right now?
Me: He's dead. He is decomposing.
Corey: Really? What's he up to?
Me: He is DEAD. He can't be doing anything.
Corey: Really? Naw, what's he doing?
Me: He's wrestling alligators in heaven, Corey.
Corey: Oh, okay... yeah... what's he doing?

My co-worker Devin, who happened happened to be right beside me, was laughing hysterically during this whole conversation, and Corey did not even notice. If I didn't get such a kick out of it, I wouldn't even bother. Then Corey went on to talk about something else, and Devin just agreed with everything he said, while Corey just went on and on about nothing.

Corey is 26 years old. He says that he is too young to go into a rated R movie, and you should be at least 30 to get into one.

Eventually, it was decided by my fellow co-workers and I that Corey and his overly-doting mother should star in a sitcom together, since their back-and-forth conversation resembles something that sprung out from the darkest depths of the most desperate TV screenwriters mind. It would be called "The Corey and Eileen Show," and it would be the Number 1 TV show ever in the history of everything. And Joy, the usher who looks vaguely like she might have Down Syndrome and does nothing but talk constantly about the Ravens, her connections with God and whatever is on the cover of this week's "Us", would be their landlord. Her catchphrase, said in her usual smug manner, would be "Welllll, you knooowww, I think Corey and Eileen are gay."

It would be epic.

Now, if you read through that, you'll get an idea of what Corey is. Lately though, he has been goddamned hysterical. Yesterday night, he remarked that he thought that Batman and Robin would probably do really well this weekend.

Batman and Robin, of course, came out 10 years ago, and sucked. Not that this matters to Corey, of course.

Of course, being in a good mood, I started to goad Corey into talking more about how Batman and Robin would do. In his confusion and unfathomable Corey-logic, he suddenly jumped to Harry Potter, and came up with the jumbled title of Harry Potter Meets Robin.

You can't make this shit up.

This struck me as such a horrible, contrived idea, it was genius. I doodled the idea quickly on a courtesy bag, and then asked Corey if he could write Harry Potter Meets Robin for me. In his usually manner of speech, he insisted that I should take on the task of writing this epic crossover saga, though I feel that I can't truly do the idea justice. I could try and write it as how he would say it, but it's unlikely anybody outside of my theater would find it funny.

"And then Alfreeeeed, Alfred went up to Robin and said 'Hey Robin, Hey Robiiiin, Harry, Harry Potter is here to see you. And Then Robin said 'Really? Harry Potter is here to see me? Naaaahhhh, naaaaaahh... Really? Naaaahhhh..."

And Robin would go on like that for about 20 minutes.

YOU ARE THE DRIVER. WHAT WOULD YOU DO, IF THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?

Fess Up.

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 04:48:42 GMT

Izzy spent the night at my Nana's house recently. He awoke one morning to find his underpants removed. I swear, I did not do it.

Which one of you took off his underpants, you perverts?